Gruppo Sportivo – "P. S. 78" (1979)

 

We are American kids

Rich daddies and big t*ts

If you pay the genetic-testing company 23andMe $99 and send it a saliva sample, you’ll get back a report that tells you a lot about yourself based on your DNA.  

For example, 23andMe told me that there was an 81% probability that I would think my urine smelled funny when I ate asparagus and a 72% chance that I have little or no back hair.  (One of those is true.)

It also gave me the names of 1501 other people who had sent their DNA to 23andMe for analysis and who were likely first, second, third, or fourth cousins of mine.

That’s all well and good, but the most interesting part of my 23andMe report BY FAR was the “ancestry composition” part, which told me (sort of) where my ancestors came from.

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According to 23andMe, I am 100% northwestern European in ancestry:  

In other words, I’m 0.0% eastern European, 0.0% southern European, 0.0% central and south Asian, 0.0% east Asian and native American, 0.0% western Asian and northern African, 0.0% sub-Saharan African, and 0.0% Melanesian.  

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Somehow, 23andMe provides the names of particular cities and regions where your ancestors likely came from.

For example, the location with the strongest evidence of my ancestry is greater London.  (I have no knowledge of any particular ancestors from Greater London, although the sheer size of that region increases the odds that some of my English forebears came from there.)

My DNA also indicates that there’s a good chance that I had ancestors from Merseyside, Greater Manchester, Lancashire, and/or West Yorkshire – four adjacent counties located in the northwestern part of England, far from London.

It’s also possible that I had ancestors from three non-English metropolitan areas – namely, Glasgow, Edinburgh, and Belfast.

It’s less likely – although not impossible – that I had Irish ancestors.  (Until someone can prove that, I’m entering a plea of “Not guilty!” to that charge.)

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If I have German ancestors, 23andMe believes they came from North Rhine-Westphalia, which is the most populous of Germany’s 16 states.

As its name indicates, that densely populated state borders the northern part of the Rhine River.  Its largest city is Cologne (home to one of my favorite beers, kölsch).  The state capital and second-largest city is Düsseldorf (home to another of my favorite beers, altbier).

23andMe also thinks I have Swiss ancestors from Grisons, the largest and easternmost of Switzerland’s 26 cantons.  Grisons is the least densely populated Swiss canton – it is quite mountainous, and home to a number of Alpine resorts (including St. Moritz and Davos).

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The genealogical research I’ve done to date indicates that most of my ancestors were British.  But two or three of my 16 great-great-grandparents seem to have had German roots.

I had thought that one of those great-great-grandparents was of Dutch ancestry because her great-great-great-grandfather was born in the Netherlands.  But I recently realized that he was born in the U.S.  (He wasn’t born in Utrecht, which is a large Dutch city.  He was born in New Utrecht, which is now part of Brooklyn, New York.) 

That ancestor’s father, Willem Klinckenburg – the name was later Anglicized to Clinkingbeard – was born in Aachen, Germany, which is located in North Rhine-Westphalia, just a stone’s throw from the Dutch border.  

However, the woman that Willem’s son married was of Dutch ancestry.  So maybe at least part of that 12.0% of my DNA that 23andMe classified as simply “western European” is Dutch.

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I’m intrigued by the 5.8% of my DNA that 23andMe thinks is Scandinavian.  I see no one in my family tree who appears to have Scandinavian ancestry.  However, my genealogical research has a lot of holes in it, so who knows?

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In honor of my putative Dutch ancestry, today’s featured song is by a Dutch group, Gruppo Sportivo.

Of course, the name “Gruppo Sportivo” sounds more Italian than Dutch – and the band sings in French and English.  All of which makes them perfect for a post about the melting pot that is the good ol’ U. S. of A.

Click here to listen to “P.S. 78.”  It’s guaranteed to put un sourire sur votre visage!

Click on the link below to buy the record from Amazon:

Elastica – "Connection" (1994)

 

I don’t understand how the last card is played

But somehow the vital connection is made

For $99, the genetic-testing company 23andMe will send you a vial to spit into so it can analyze your DNA.

By comparing your DNA to that of the zillions of other people who have sent in their saliva sample, 23andMe can figure out which of those people are related to you.

To date, 23andMe has sent me the names of no fewer than 1501 of its customers who are related to me.

The closest relatives that 23andMe has identified are five first cousins, once removed.  

First cousins, once removed are from different generations.  For example, your first cousin’s child would be your first cousin, once removed because you are from different generations.  

Likewise, your parents’ first cousins are your first cousins, once removed.  

Because my mother is only child, I have no first cousins on her side of the family.  But she has a number of first cousins, who are my first cousins, once removed.  

By contrast, my father was one of eight children, so I have quite a few first cousins on my father’s side – which make their children my first cousins, once removed.  All five of the first cousins, once removed I’ve learned about through 23andMe are children of my paternal first cousins.

This chart should clear everything up:

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23 andMe has also given me the names of ten second cousins (people with whom I have a great-grandparent in common), 168 third cousins (people with whom I have a great-great-grandparent in common), and a whopping 1318 fourth cousins (people with whom I have a great-great-great-grandparent in common).

Given that each of us has 32 great-great-great-grandparents, it’s not surprising that I have over 1300 fourth cousins among 23andMe customers alone.  According to my calculations, the average American of my generation has about 50,000 fourth cousins.  (Don’t ask me how I came up with that number – it’s a l-o-n-g story.)

Which means that you very well may be acquainted with one or more of your fourth cousins and not even realize that you’re related.

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Elastica released “Connection” as a single in 1994, which was the year that Britpop really got off the ground.  (Britpop giants Blur and Oasis both released their debut albums that year.)

“Connection” kicks off with a really catchy riff.  Unfortunately, it appears that riff was “borrowed” from “Three Girl Rhumba,” one of the tracks on Wire’s legendary Pink Flag album. 

Click here to listen to “Three Girl Rhumba.”

Click here to see the official music video for “Connection.”

And click on the link below if you’d like to buy “Connection” from Amazon:

Joseph – "Green Eyes" (2019)

Those green eyes

Are my green light

Some time ago I sent a saliva sample to the genetic testing company 23andMe, which analyzed my DNA and sent me a report chock full of interesting information about me.

One of the things I learned from 23andMe was that some people can smell a distinctive odor in their urine after they consume asparagus, while others can’t.  Whether you can or can’t smell that odor is determined by your genetics.

A 23andMe test kit

Fewer than half the people in the world can detect the chemical that is believed to cause your pee to smell funny after you chow down on asparagus.  I’m in that group – based on my DNA, 23andMe said I had an 81% chance of being able to pick up that odor, and they were correctimundo.

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My DNA reveals a lot about me that’s more interesting than whether my pee has an odd odor after I eat asparagus.

According to 23andMe, my DNA says that there is a 62% chance that I have straight hair, a 65% chance that I have few or no freckles, a 68% chance that my hair is light brown or dark blond, a 71% chance that I have very fair or moderately fair skin, and a 73% chance that I don’t have a unibrow.  

My DNA also says that there is a 66% chance I don’t have dimples, an 83% chance I don’t have a cleft chin, a 91% chance I don’t have stretch marks, and a 93% chance I have wet, sticky earwax (as opposed to dry, flaky earwax).

My DNA had it right each time – you would have gone nine-for-nine if you had wagered on the favorites.  

On the other hand, 23andMe says there is a 72% chance that I have little or no back hair.  

No one’s perfect.  

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23andMe also says that there is a 51% chance I have blue eyes, a 21% chance I have greenish blue eyes, a 17% chance I have green eyes, a 9% chance I have light hazel eyes, and almost no chance that I have dark hazel or brown eyes.  I would describe my eyes as green, but you might describe them as greenish blue or light hazel – in any event, they aren’t blue.

But as any of the ladies who know me will attest, they are stunningly attractive.

If you don’t believe me, e-mail at 2or3lines@gmail.com and we can arrange to meet some afternoon so you can see for yourself.  (Proof of vaccination required, of course!)

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There are a lot of songs about blue eyes, but I’ve only found a couple about green eyes – one by the very successful British band Coldplay, and one by a lesser-known indie trio from Oregon that calls itself Joseph:

Sisters Allison, Natalie, and Meegan

Joseph’s three members are sisters – Natalie Closner Schepman and twins Allison and Meegan Closner.  (I’ve been unable to pin down whether Allison and Meegan are identical or fraternal.  I’ve found a couple of things on the Internet that indicate they’re identical, but they don’t look very identical in most of the photos of Joseph I’ve been able to find.)

Joseph’s “Green Eyes” was released in 2019 on Good Luck, Kid, the group’s third studio album.

Click here to listen to “Green Eyes.”

Click on the link below to buy the song from Amazon:

Meghan Trainor – "Genetics" (2020)

My DNA is graded A

You see this face? 

I was born with it

According to Henry Ford, “Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty.  Anyone who keeps learning stays young.”

Actually, Henry Ford didn’t say that.  There are dozens, perhaps hundreds of websites that attribute that quote to Ford – but I’ve been unable to verify that he ever spoke those words.

And even if Ford did say that, he’s full of sh*t.  I’ve never stopped learning.  But it’s nonsense to say that it’s kept me young – I’m old as hell, and there’s no use pretending otherwise. 

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Nevertheless, I love to learn – and I spend a good deal of my time doing just that.

One thing I’ve learned is that you can pick up new things from the most unexpected places.  To wit, from the genetic testing company, 23andMe.

Among the things I’ve learned from 23andMe is that not everyone’s pee smells funny after they eat asparagus.

Actually, that statement isn’t completely accurate.  As I understand it, asparagus affects the smells of everyone’s urine.  But some noses don’t detect that smell because of genetics.

Based on my DNA, 23andMe told me that there was an 81% chance that I would notice the distinctive odor that asparagus produces in urine.

23andMe hit that one out of the park: I definitely notice that odd smell whenever I eat asparagus.  Frankly, I’d just as soon not be able to detect that odor, but you can’t change your DNA.

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It turns out that 23andMe knows a lot about me based on my DNA.

For example, 23andMe says that there is a 70% chance I prefer chocolate to vanilla ice cream.  I like vanilla ice cream as much as the next guy, but I would never choose it over chocolate.  So chalk up another one for the folks at 23andMe.

Also, 23andMe also says that it’s more likely that I prefer salty snacks than sweet ones, but only by a 51% to 49% margin – essentially, it’s a genetic coin flip.  

To be honest, I can’t say whether I prefer salty or sweet snacks.  I like ‘em both – I’d say it’s six of one, half a dozen of the other.  So 23andMe pretty much nailed that one as well.

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“Genetics” was released last on Meghan Trainor’s third studio album, Treat Myself:

Click here to listen to “Genetics.”

Click on the link below to buy the song from Amazon:

Queens of the Stone Age – "Go With the Flow" (2003)

I can go

With the flow

It’s been almost six months since I retired from my law firm.

I’ve been holding my horses, keeping my shirt on, cooling my jets, and taking a chill pill daily . . . in other words, I’ve been taking it pretty easy.

But now that the old batteries are recharged, I’m looking around for what they call an “encore career” – something that doesn’t take up too much time, but is lucrative and satisfying.

Thanks to the Wall Street Journal, I’ve found the perfect encore career!

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Here’s a headline from the March 22 issue of that newspaper: 

Demand for American Sperm 

Is Skyrocketing in Brazil

According to the accompanying story, “human semen imports from the U.S. to Brazil have surged as more rich single women and lesbian couples select donors whose online profiles suggest they will yield light-complexioned and preferably blue-eyed children.”

“The vast majority of what we have and what we sell are the Caucasian blond-haired, blue-eyed donors,” said Fredrik Andreasson, CFO of Seattle Sperm Bank, which provides about a quarter of Brazil’s imports.  

(In case you don't know where Brazil is)

Brazil has a troubled racial legacy: Brazil imported more than ten times as many African slaves than the United States, and it was the last Western nation to ban slavery (in 1888).  

But the preference for light-skinned Caucasian sperm donors holds across the global market – it’s not unique to Brazil.

I’m shocked – shocked! – that women are such racists!  

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Donated sperm costs a pretty penny.  According to the WSJ, Brazilian fertility clinics charge about $1500 for a vial of genetically-vetted sperm from American sperm banks.  

Brazilian women (i.e., potential customers)

I would guess that the American men who provide that sperm are being paid a very small percentage of that amount.  But at least they are paid something –

Fortunately for Brazilian women who can’t afford to pay $1500 for American sperm, there seem to be plenty of selfless Brazilian men who are willing to help them out gratis.  (It's illegal for Brazilian citizens to accept payment in exchange for their sperm.)

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For example, there’s João Carlos Holland de Barcellos, a 61-year-old computer scientist whose blue eyes and white-blond hair (which he attributes to his English and German ancestry) make him very popular with Brazilian moms-to-be.  

 João Carlos Holland de Barcellos
is no match for 2 or 3 lines!

Barcellos is apparently motivated by the desire to perpetuate his genes and ensure his existence beyond death. “It’s an atheist’s way to achieve immortality,” he told the newspaper. 

“His wife manages his agenda and transfers his semen via needleless syringe to the near-daily guests to their chaotic São Paulo home,” says the WSJ.

The article leaves out the most interesting part – how the semen is obtained.

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Mr. Bercellos says he has English and German ancestry, but can he prove it?

I can – thanks to a 23andMe kit that one of my daughter’s gave me as a Christmas gift, I have detailed DNA-based information on my ancestry.

A 23andMe DNA testing kit

For example, I now know that my DNA is 99.7% European and 97.9% northwestern European.  In other words, I’m as Caucasian as all get-out.

If you break that down, you get 51.1% British and Irish (I know from my genealogical research that’s all British and zero Irish, so you can rest assured), 16.9% French and German, and 10.2% Scandinavian.  Add in another 19.7% of what 23andMe calls “broadly northwestern European” – meaning they can’t narrow it down geographically any further than that – and I’m at 97.9% northwestern European.

In other words, I’m a wannabe Brazilian mom’s dream come true!

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American sperm banks provide a wealth of information about donors to prospective moms.  Most of their customers want not only sperm from donors who are blonde and blue-eyed men, but also prefer donors who are intelligent, healthy, and good-looking.

One Brazilian woman interviewed for the WSJ article said that she received a 29-page report about her sperm donor.  That report includes everything from genetic testing for cystic fibrosis and other medical conditions, to a childhood photograph of him.

And I bet her donor wasn’t half as cute as a baby as this little guy?

Yep, that’s yours truly.  I think I could be successful as a sperm donor based on those baby pictures alone.  But I’ve got a lot more to offer than just good looks.

Like high intelligence.  (We’re talking a triple-digit IQ.)

And above-average height.  (Six feet, two inches – or maybe six feet, one inch, if you believe the gal at my doctor’s office who measured me the last time I got a physical.)  

And excellent health.  (The gastroenterologist who handled my last colonscopy said I was “as clean as a whistle.”)

So please share this post with any Brazilian you know who would like to be a mommy and tell them to contact me toot sweet for terms and conditions of this limited-time offer.  (I prefer straight cash, homie – but I will accept PayPal.)

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Queens of the Stone Age released “Go With the Flow” in 2003.  It’s a good song, but the music video for the song – which was created by a group of London artists who call themselves Shynola – absolutely fabulous.

Click here to view that video, which has been viewed over 43 million times on YouTube.

Click here to buy "Go With the Flow" from Amazon.