Rage Against the Machine – "Killing in the Name" (1992)

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

(Am I coming through loud and clear?)

2 or 3 lines usually spends its September presenting the newest members of the 2 OR 3 LINES “GOLDEN DECADE” HIT SINGLES HALL OF FAME, while October is devoted to the newest class of the 2 OR 3 LINES “GOLDEN DECADE” ALBUM TRACKS HALL OF FAME.

But not this year.  (2 or 3 lines is nothing if not unpredictable!)  

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Those of you who get up early enough to watch CBS’s Sunday Morning program know that program polled dozens of notable Americans earlier this year to create a list of what they’re calling the 250 most essential American songs.

Click here to see that list.

A lot of the allegedly “notable” Americans who were polled are notable mostly for their high degree of cluelessness.  While some of the songs that made the CBS list do belong there, the vast majority don’t.

To show CBS how it should have been done, 2 or 3 lines has sifted through hundreds of songs and picked the 13 that exemplify quintessential American attributes.  Each of my upcoming September and October posts this year will feature one of those songs – and trust me, my choices for the 2 OR 3 LINES QUINTESSENTIAL AMERICAN SONGBOOK pone the mostly sucky choices of those dumbasses that CBS talked to.

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A Supreme Court justice once admitted that he couldn’t intelligibly define exactly what constituted hard-core pornography, but that he knew it when he saw it.  

Like that justice, I know quintessentially American character traits when I see them.

First and foremost, Americans are independent to the point of orneriness – we don’t like to be told what to do!  When we’re kids, we resist doing what our parents and teachers tell us to do.  And when we’re adults, we resist doing what the government tells us to do.

(I have a friend who keeps telling me that when I say “the government,” what I’m really saying is “us” – that the American government is nothing more than the American people.  I beg to differ.) 

The 13 colonies didn’t like the British monarchy telling them what they could and couldn’t do, so they went to war in 1775 to achieve their independence.

King George III

The Americans who settled in Texas didn’t like the Mexican government telling them what they could and couldn’t do, so they revolted in 1835 to achieve their independence.

And the Southern states didn’t like the Northern states telling them what they could and couldn’t do, so they seceded from the Union in 1861 and started the Civil War to achieve their independence.

Hey, I didn’t say that every time Americans revolted against the government, it was a good thing.  I’m just saying that Americans don’t like being told what to do.

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No song better demonstrates this quintessentially American character trait than Rage Against the Machine’s “Killing in the Name,” which was released in 1992 on the band’s eponymous debut album.

It’s such a perfect choice that I can’t believe that the singer/songwriter Jelly Roll was the only one of the 90 actors, athletes, authors, businesspeople, comedians, filmmakers, journalists, musicians, and politicians that CBS surveyed picked “Killing in the Name” as one of their choices.  (We’ll have more to say about Jelly Roll in the next 2 or 3 lines.) 

Rage Against the Machine frontman Zack de la Rocha sings “F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!” 16 consecutive times on the record (which is why I typed that line 16 times at the beginning of this post).  If I had to pick one line from a song that captured the quintessence of what it means to be an American, that’s the line I would pick.

Given that, you might wonder why I’m featuring “Killing in the Name” in the first of my series 2 OR 3 LINES QUINTESSENTIAL AMERICAN SONGBOOK posts.  I don’t believe in saving the best for last, boys and girls – I believe in getting down to it right off the bat.  

If you tell me that I should have done things differently, you can probably guess what my reply to you would be:

Click here to listen to “Killing in the Name.”

Click here to buy “Killing n the Name” from Amazon.

Monty Python – "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" (1979)

You’ll see it’s all a show

Keep ’em laughing as you go

Just remember that the last laugh is on you! 

Most of the schools around here that have a hand-operated message board get a parent to volunteer to maintain it, updating the messages every few days.  But at Damascus High School in Damascus, Maryland, teacher Steve Kachadorian handles that task.

Steve was born in New Jersey, but his family moved to Maryland when he was eight.  He started teaching history at Damascus High School in 1998.  This year, he will teach AP World History and AP European History.

Steve took on the role of faculty sponsor of the school’s drama club since 2007.  A couple of years ago, he asked the PTA if he could use the message board to advertise the dates and times of upcoming school plays.  “When I didn't have a show or concert to advertise,” he told me, “I posted little jokes that were heavy on the puns.” 

Here’s one of his message-board jokes.  (Other examples appear below.)

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Where does Steve get his message-board material?  “Sometimes I just take an old joke I know and revise it so it works on the sign.   Other times I go to the internet and look up dad jokes that play off some theme.  Now and again, I just have a funny thought that I rework to make it work on the sign – or my family and I will brainstorm and something clicks.”

Which of his message-board jokes is Steve’s favorite?  Time Travelers Club Meets on November 5, 1955.  “That one was inspired by a ‘Weekend Update’ joke on Saturday Night Live,” Steve explained.  “I put in that particular date as a tribute to Back to the Future.”

(You can click here to see a Back to the Future clip that explains the significance of that date.)

Steve says that the response to his message-board puns has been positive.  “People have posted on Facebook about it, appreciating the humor.  At school, my students have commented that their parents like it.  Sometimes, when I’m putting up the letters, a passerby will yell something positive.  Overall, it’s been a good thing.”

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Steve sounded like he might be a “class clown” type – you know, one of those people who is always kidding around and trying to get a laugh.  So I asked him to rank himself on a zero to ten scale, where a zero is someone who’s introverted and pretty quiet around other people, while a ten would be someone who plays practical jokes, does card tricks at parties, and generally shows off like crazy. 

 2 or 3 lines loves getting attention, and would be a solid nine on that scale.  But Steve claimed he would be only a six.  “I used to be much more of a jokester in the classroom,” he said, “but I’ve mellowed out.”

Steve describes himself as an avid fan of comedy and comedians.  When he was younger, he frequented the stand-up comedy clubs in the Washington, DC area.  He has taken improv classes, and even done some public improv performing.

Who is his favorite comedian?  “There are a lot of comedians that I enjoy, but I would have to point to the late Harry Anderson as a favorite,” Steve said.  “From his stand-up comedy, to the ‘Harry the Hat’ character on Cheers, to his role as Judge Harry T. Stone on Night Court, I always enjoyed the quick wit, the puns, and his visual humor.”

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When I asked Steve Kachadorian to name the song that he would like me to feature in this post, he chose “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” from Spamalot.

“I directed Spamalot at Damascus High in 2019,” he told me, “and it was one of my most enjoyable drama experiences.”

“Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” – which was written by Monty Python member Eric Idle – was first featured in the 1979 movie Monty Python’s Life of Brian, where it is sung (and whistled) by a character who is being crucified.

From Wikipedia:

Written in the British music hall tradition, the song touches on stoicism and the "stiff upper lip" spirit in the face of adversity, so often associated with British people.  It became immensely popular, reaching #3 on the UK singles chart in 1991.  Idle performed the song live to a global audience at the 2012 Summer Olympics closing ceremony. . . .

When the destroyer HMS Sheffield was struck by an Exocet anti-ship missile on May 4, 1982 in the Falklands War, her crew sang it while waiting to be rescued from their sinking ship . . .

When [Monty Python member Graham] Chapman died on October 4, 1989, the five remaining Pythons, as well as Chapman's close friends and family, came together at his public memorial service to sing "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" as part of Eric Idle's eulogy.  

In 2005, a survey by Music Choice showed that it was the third-most popular song Britons would like played at their funerals.  By 2014, it was the most popular.

Click here to watch the scene from Monty Python’s Life of Brian that features “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.”

Click here to buy “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” from Amazon.  (Any commissions that 2 or 3 lines earns from purchases of that recording will be donated to the Damascus High School Drama Club.)

Steve Martin and the Toot Uncommons – "King Tut" (1978)

Born in Arizona

Moved to Babylonia

King Tut!

Most Monday mornings, I hit the gym at the Damascus (MD) Community Recreation Center.  (If I don’t watch my figure, who will?)

My route to the rec center takes me past Damascus High School.  The school has a fancy electronic marquee, but it also has a more traditional hand-operated message board that requires someone to place individual plastic letters to spell out messages.  

That message board has two faces.  One of the faces is mostly used to announce the days and times of upcoming events at the school – like football games, or drama club productions.  The other face usually contains punny jokes.  

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Here’s the message that’s currently displayed on the Damascus High School message board:

You might think that the person in charge of the message board was guilty of misspelling “SUMMER.”  But you’d be wrong.

If you take one “M” away from “SUMMER,” you have “SUMER” – which is the name of the world’s oldest civilization.

The Sumerian civilization emerged in southern Mesopotamia circa 4500 BCE.  It was succeeded by the Akkadian Empire, which in turn was succeeded by the First Babylonian Empire.  

Hence the punning reference to “SUMER” on the message board.   

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James Boswell quoted Dr. Samuel Johnson as saying that “puns are the lowest form of humor.”  Whoever is in charge of the Damascus High message boards obviously disagrees with Dr. Johnson.

Here are some of the other puns that appeared on the message board this year:

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I called the school over the summer to ask who was responsible for coming up with the puns on the Damascus message board, and learned that the culprit was one of the teachers at the school.

In the next 2 or 3 lines, I’ll introduce you to Damascus High’s “Punmaster General.”

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More than eight million Americans viewed the “Treasures of Tutankhamun” exhibit, which brought 53 artifacts from King Tut’s tomb to seven different cities between 1976 and 1979.

The resulting “Tut-mania” inspired Steve Martin to write today’s featured song, which he performed on Saturday Night Live on April 22, 1978.  “King Tut” was released as a single a week later, and eventually sold over a million copies.  

Click here to watch a video of the Martin doing “King Tut” on SNL.  Note especially the instrumental solo performed by a saxophone player whose face was painted gold to resemble Tut’s famous solid-gold funerary mask:

In 2017, students at Reed College in Portland, Oregon, blasted a professor’s decision to show a video of Martin’s Saturday Night Live performance in a freshman humanities class, calling it cultural appropriation. 

The pearl-clutching students objected in particular to the saxophonist’s gold-painted face, which they claimed was the equivalent of blackface.

Click here to view Martin responding to this absurd accusation.

Amazing Rhythm Aces – "Third Rate Romance" (1975)

She was staring at her coffee cup

He was trying to keep his courage up

By applying booze

I recently wrote about a Family Feud episode where one of the survey questions was “If all the U.S. presidents were alive, single, and ready to mingle, who would you date?”  

The two most popular answers were John F. Kennedy and Barack Obama.  Ronald Reagan, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Bill Clinton, and Thomas Jefferson were the other Presidents mentioned by the survey’s respondents.

The members of the two families playing Family Feud that day managed to name six of those seven Presidents.  The one that they didn’t get was Thomas Jefferson.

Both the families who competed in the particular Family Feud were both African-American.  Given the nature of our third President’s relationship with his slave, Sally Hemings, I would think that Jefferson would be the last President that any African-American woman would want to date.

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On New Year’s Day 1772, the 28-year-old Thomas Jefferson married Martha Wayles Skelton.

Jefferson’s bride was only 23, but she was already a widow.  (Her first husband, Bathurst Skelton, had been just 24 when he had died in September 1768.  The couple’s three-year-old son had died in June 1771.)

Martha Jefferson died in 1782, only months after giving birth to the couple’s sixth child.  (That child reportedly weighed over 16 pounds at birth.)  Four of their children died before reaching their third birthday.

Thomas Jefferson lived 44 years after Martha’s death.  She had not had good relationships with her two stepmothers, and before her death she asked him to promise that he would never remarry.  

He never did.

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In 1787, when Jefferson was the American ambassador to France, Sally Hemings accompanied Jefferson’s nine-year-old daughter Maria to Paris.

Hemings, who was only 14 years old at the time, was a slave who Jefferson had inherited from his wife’s father, John Wayles, in 1773.

Sally Hemings: An American Scandal was
a miniseries that aired on CBS in 2000

Wayles was not only Sally Hemings’s owner, he was her father.  In fact, Sally was only one of six children Wayles fathered with Sally’s mother, Elizabeth Hemings, who Wayles had owned for her entire life.  

Does it seem odd that some of the children fathered by John Wayles – who was a white Englishman – were born free, while his other children were born into slavery?  That’s because of partus sequitur ventrem – “that which is born follows the womb” – which was a legal doctrine that provided that the children of enslaved mothers would inherit the legal status of their mothers. 

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In 1789, Jefferson – accompanied by his daughter and Sally Hemings – left Paris to return to the United States and become George Washington’s Secretary of State.  

It is believed that Hemings became pregnant by Jefferson at some point during their time together in Paris.  That child died shortly after Hemings returned to the U.S.

Hemings gave birth to six more children between 1795 and 1808.  Based on DNA evidence, it is now generally accepted that Jefferson was the father of at least one of those children, and perhaps all of them.

Click here to watch a Saturday Night Live sketch about Jefferson and Hemings.

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In theory, Sally Hemings became a free woman the moment she entered France in 1787 – slavery was illegal in France.  But she continued to act as Jefferson’s servant, and chose to return to Virginia with him two years later.

One of Hemings’s sons later said that his mother agreed to resume her life as an enslaved person because Jefferson had promised that he would free her children when they became of age if she did.

But Hemings was only 16 and possibly pregnant when Jefferson left France in 1789.  It’s not clear that she had much choice except to return to Virginia with him – how would she have supported herself if she had remained in France instead?

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Jefferson never spoke about his feelings for Sally Hemings, but his actions after returning from France were not inconsistent with the belief of her descendants that he “loved her dearly.”

Annette Gordon-Reed, the author of a book about Jefferson and Hemings, believes that his feelings for her went well beyond lust:

While lust can last minutes, months, or even a few years, it cannot typically span the decades during which [Jefferson and Hemings] were involved. It simply takes more than lust to sustain an interest in another person over such an extended time period.

Jefferson had access to many other women at Monticello who could have satisfied his carnal interests.  Yet, so far as the record shows, he remained fixated on Sally Hemings, arranging her life at Monticello so that she interacted with him on a daily basis for almost four decades.  Despite the brutal public attention focused on the pair after James Callender exposed their relationship in 1802, Jefferson continued to have children with Hemings. Their children . . . were named for people important to him. His white daughter was said to have wanted Jefferson to send Hemings and their children away so as to spare him further embarrassment. He declined.

But before you turn the Jefferson-Hemings relationship into some kind of rom-com, think about this:

In the U.S., where Hemings was enslaved to Jefferson, he exercised near total legal, economic, and physical control over her life.  As an enslaved person, Hemings would not have been able to refuse sexual access without risk of punishment, sale, or violence, and any absence of recorded force reflects the structural secrecy and power imbalance inherent in slavery rather than evidence of voluntariness.  Under these conditions, meaningful consent is generally considered impossible.  Many historians and scholars therefore describe Jefferson's actions as sexual exploitation or a “forced embrace” within chattel slavery.

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The Amazing Rhythm Aces released 18 albums over a 30-year-plus period, but only their first single  made much of an impression on the Billboard “Hot 100” chart.

“Third Rate Romance” was written by the group’s lead singer, the late Russell Smith, and released in 1975 on their first album, Stacked Deck.

The female one-night-stander says “I’ve never really done this kind of thing before,” and asks her male paramour if he has.  “Yes, I have,” he replies, “but only a time or two.”

I have a feeling both of them may have been fibbing.

Click here to listen to “Third Rate Romance.”

Click here to buy the record from Amazon.