Creedence Clearwater Revival – "Fortunate Son" (1969)

But when the taxman comes to the door

Lord, the house looks like a rummage sale

I don’t know much about Jelly Roll other than that he has a goofy name and a lot of disturbing tattoos.  (If I’ve ever heard one of his records, it was purely by accident.)

Jelly Roll

But of the 90 actors, athletes, authors, businesspeople, comedians, filmmakers, journalists, musicians, and politicians who were asked by the CBS Sunday Morning show to name three essential Americans songs, Jelly Roll did the best job.

Yes, he ignored CBS’s instructions and picked two songs instead of three.  But as we learned in the previous 2 or 3 lines, it’s very American not to do what they tell you to do.

And the two he picked – Rage Against the Machine “Killing in the Name” and Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Fortunate Son” – exemplify quintessential American character traits as well or better than any other two records I can think of.

That’s why those two records were unanimous choices for the 2 OR 3 LINES QUINTESSENTIAL AMERICAN SONGBOOK.

So kudos to Jelly Roll for a job well done.  You f*cking nailed it, dude!

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There’s a scene in the 1971 movie Big Jake where John Wayne yanks a mouthy young whippersnapper off his horse and shoves him down into a big mud puddle.  “It’s time you learned to respect your betters,” the Wayne character snarls at the smart-ass kid.

Generally speaking, Americans don’t believe they have any betters.  We’re not intimidated by the rich and powerful.  (After all, we plan to be rich and powerful ourselves someday.) 

When our so-called betters try to throw their weight around and get away with something they shouldn’t, we call them out for it.

That’s what John Fogarty did in “Fortunate Son,” which he said was about David Eisenhower – who was the grandson of one President and the son-in-law of another one.  

The sons of the rich and powerful – like Eisenhower – always seemed to be able to find a way to avoid the draft, and the working-class families whose sons were sent to fight (and sometimes die) in Vietnam didn’t like that one little bit.

Eisenhower may have avoided being sent to Vietnam, but he did serve three years in the U.S. Navy (most of which he spent in the Mediterranean on a guided-missile cruiser).

As for Fogerty, he managed to avoid the draft by getting into an Army Reserve unit.  He was stationed stateside for the entirety of his six-month tour of duty.

So maybe Fogerty’s scorn for Eisenhower and all the other “fortunate sons” who knew how to game the system and stay out of harm’s way was a bit hypocritical – that’s what he did, after all.  But being full of sh*t is another quintessential American character trait.  

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Here’s a lightly-edited excerpt from my original 2010 post about “Fortunate Son”:

“Fortunate Son” is near-perfect two-minute-and-twenty-second work of art.  The words, the music, and the performance are all just right.  (Everyone and their brother has covered the song, but there’s nothing like the original.)

Most importantly, the attitude of this song is just right.  John Fogerty is pissed off at the powers that be, and he’s not afraid to let everyone know it.  That attitude makes it not only a quintessential rock-and-roll song, but also a very patriotic song – the Founding Fathers had some issues with the powers that be as well. . . . 

I remember my mother expressing exactly the same sentiment expressed in the lines quoted at the beginning of this post when I was a kid.  (People around here say “garage sale” or “yard sale,” but my mother always said “rummage sale.”)

It may have been possible to cheat on your personal property taxes back in the day by hiding your more valuable possessions when the tax assessor made his yearly visit to your house, although I doubt that many people were able to get away with very much.  But my mother was convinced that the richer people in town were beating the system one way or the other. 

My parents grew up during the Depression, and both of their families had barely enough to get by on.  Not surprisingly, they were somewhat resentful (envious?) of the “silver spoon” types.  

Also not surprising was their frugality when it came to spending their hard-earned money.  We lived in a very modest house – we all had to share one bathroom, which is a horror that my fortunate sons (and daughters) have never had to experience . . . .

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Click here to listen to “Fortunate Son.”

Click here to buy “Fortunate Son” from Amazon.

Rage Against the Machine – "Killing in the Name" (1992)

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!

(Am I coming through loud and clear?)

2 or 3 lines usually spends its September presenting the newest members of the 2 OR 3 LINES “GOLDEN DECADE” HIT SINGLES HALL OF FAME, while October is devoted to the newest class of the 2 OR 3 LINES “GOLDEN DECADE” ALBUM TRACKS HALL OF FAME.

But not this year.  (2 or 3 lines is nothing if not unpredictable!)  

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Those of you who get up early enough to watch CBS’s Sunday Morning program know that program polled dozens of notable Americans earlier this year to create a list of what they’re calling the 250 most essential American songs.

Click here to see that list.

A lot of the allegedly “notable” Americans who were polled are notable mostly for their high degree of cluelessness.  While some of the songs that made the CBS list do belong there, the vast majority don’t.

To show CBS how it should have been done, 2 or 3 lines has sifted through hundreds of songs and picked the 13 that exemplify quintessential American attributes.  Each of my upcoming September and October posts this year will feature one of those songs – and trust me, my choices for the 2 OR 3 LINES QUINTESSENTIAL AMERICAN SONGBOOK pone the mostly sucky choices of those dumbasses that CBS talked to.

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A Supreme Court justice once admitted that he couldn’t intelligibly define exactly what constituted hard-core pornography, but that he knew it when he saw it.  

Like that justice, I know quintessentially American character traits when I see them.

First and foremost, Americans are independent to the point of orneriness – we don’t like to be told what to do!  When we’re kids, we resist doing what our parents and teachers tell us to do.  And when we’re adults, we resist doing what the government tells us to do.

(I have a friend who keeps telling me that when I say “the government,” what I’m really saying is “us” – that the American government is nothing more than the American people.  I beg to differ.) 

The 13 colonies didn’t like the British monarchy telling them what they could and couldn’t do, so they went to war in 1775 to achieve their independence.

King George III

The Americans who settled in Texas didn’t like the Mexican government telling them what they could and couldn’t do, so they revolted in 1835 to achieve their independence.

And the Southern states didn’t like the Northern states telling them what they could and couldn’t do, so they seceded from the Union in 1861 and started the Civil War to achieve their independence.

Hey, I didn’t say that every time Americans revolted against the government, it was a good thing.  I’m just saying that Americans don’t like being told what to do.

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No song better demonstrates this quintessentially American character trait than Rage Against the Machine’s “Killing in the Name,” which was released in 1992 on the band’s eponymous debut album.

It’s such a perfect choice that I can’t believe that the singer/songwriter Jelly Roll was the only one of the 90 actors, athletes, authors, businesspeople, comedians, filmmakers, journalists, musicians, and politicians that CBS surveyed picked “Killing in the Name” as one of their choices.  (We’ll have more to say about Jelly Roll in the next 2 or 3 lines.) 

Rage Against the Machine frontman Zack de la Rocha sings “F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me!” 16 consecutive times on the record (which is why I typed that line 16 times at the beginning of this post).  If I had to pick one line from a song that captured the quintessence of what it means to be an American, that’s the line I would pick.

Given that, you might wonder why I’m featuring “Killing in the Name” in the first of my series 2 OR 3 LINES QUINTESSENTIAL AMERICAN SONGBOOK posts.  I don’t believe in saving the best for last, boys and girls – I believe in getting down to it right off the bat.  

If you tell me that I should have done things differently, you can probably guess what my reply to you would be:

Click here to listen to “Killing in the Name.”

Click here to buy “Killing n the Name” from Amazon.

Monty Python – "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" (1979)

You’ll see it’s all a show

Keep ’em laughing as you go

Just remember that the last laugh is on you! 

Most of the schools around here that have a hand-operated message board get a parent to volunteer to maintain it, updating the messages every few days.  But at Damascus High School in Damascus, Maryland, teacher Steve Kachadorian handles that task.

Steve was born in New Jersey, but his family moved to Maryland when he was eight.  He started teaching history at Damascus High School in 1998.  This year, he will teach AP World History and AP European History.

Steve took on the role of faculty sponsor of the school’s drama club since 2007.  A couple of years ago, he asked the PTA if he could use the message board to advertise the dates and times of upcoming school plays.  “When I didn't have a show or concert to advertise,” he told me, “I posted little jokes that were heavy on the puns.” 

Here’s one of his message-board jokes.  (Other examples appear below.)

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Where does Steve get his message-board material?  “Sometimes I just take an old joke I know and revise it so it works on the sign.   Other times I go to the internet and look up dad jokes that play off some theme.  Now and again, I just have a funny thought that I rework to make it work on the sign – or my family and I will brainstorm and something clicks.”

Which of his message-board jokes is Steve’s favorite?  Time Travelers Club Meets on November 5, 1955.  “That one was inspired by a ‘Weekend Update’ joke on Saturday Night Live,” Steve explained.  “I put in that particular date as a tribute to Back to the Future.”

(You can click here to see a Back to the Future clip that explains the significance of that date.)

Steve says that the response to his message-board puns has been positive.  “People have posted on Facebook about it, appreciating the humor.  At school, my students have commented that their parents like it.  Sometimes, when I’m putting up the letters, a passerby will yell something positive.  Overall, it’s been a good thing.”

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Steve sounded like he might be a “class clown” type – you know, one of those people who is always kidding around and trying to get a laugh.  So I asked him to rank himself on a zero to ten scale, where a zero is someone who’s introverted and pretty quiet around other people, while a ten would be someone who plays practical jokes, does card tricks at parties, and generally shows off like crazy. 

 2 or 3 lines loves getting attention, and would be a solid nine on that scale.  But Steve claimed he would be only a six.  “I used to be much more of a jokester in the classroom,” he said, “but I’ve mellowed out.”

Steve describes himself as an avid fan of comedy and comedians.  When he was younger, he frequented the stand-up comedy clubs in the Washington, DC area.  He has taken improv classes, and even done some public improv performing.

Who is his favorite comedian?  “There are a lot of comedians that I enjoy, but I would have to point to the late Harry Anderson as a favorite,” Steve said.  “From his stand-up comedy, to the ‘Harry the Hat’ character on Cheers, to his role as Judge Harry T. Stone on Night Court, I always enjoyed the quick wit, the puns, and his visual humor.”

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When I asked Steve Kachadorian to name the song that he would like me to feature in this post, he chose “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” from Spamalot.

“I directed Spamalot at Damascus High in 2019,” he told me, “and it was one of my most enjoyable drama experiences.”

“Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” – which was written by Monty Python member Eric Idle – was first featured in the 1979 movie Monty Python’s Life of Brian, where it is sung (and whistled) by a character who is being crucified.

From Wikipedia:

Written in the British music hall tradition, the song touches on stoicism and the "stiff upper lip" spirit in the face of adversity, so often associated with British people.  It became immensely popular, reaching #3 on the UK singles chart in 1991.  Idle performed the song live to a global audience at the 2012 Summer Olympics closing ceremony. . . .

When the destroyer HMS Sheffield was struck by an Exocet anti-ship missile on May 4, 1982 in the Falklands War, her crew sang it while waiting to be rescued from their sinking ship . . .

When [Monty Python member Graham] Chapman died on October 4, 1989, the five remaining Pythons, as well as Chapman's close friends and family, came together at his public memorial service to sing "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" as part of Eric Idle's eulogy.  

In 2005, a survey by Music Choice showed that it was the third-most popular song Britons would like played at their funerals.  By 2014, it was the most popular.

Click here to watch the scene from Monty Python’s Life of Brian that features “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.”

Click here to buy “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” from Amazon.  (Any commissions that 2 or 3 lines earns from purchases of that recording will be donated to the Damascus High School Drama Club.)