Amazing Rhythm Aces – "Third Rate Romance" (1975)

She was staring at her coffee cup

He was trying to keep his courage up

By applying booze

I recently wrote about a Family Feud episode where one of the survey questions was “If all the U.S. presidents were alive, single, and ready to mingle, who would you date?”  

The two most popular answers were John F. Kennedy and Barack Obama.  Ronald Reagan, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Bill Clinton, and Thomas Jefferson were the other Presidents mentioned by the survey’s respondents.

The members of the two families playing Family Feud that day managed to name six of those seven Presidents.  The one that they didn’t get was Thomas Jefferson.

Both the families who competed in the particular Family Feud were both African-American.  Given the nature of our third President’s relationship with his slave, Sally Hemings, I would think that Jefferson would be the last President that any African-American woman would want to date.

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On New Year’s Day 1772, the 28-year-old Thomas Jefferson married Martha Wayles Skelton.

Jefferson’s bride was only 23, but she was already a widow.  (Her first husband, Bathurst Skelton, had been just 24 when he had died in September 1768.  The couple’s three-year-old son had died in June 1771.)

Martha Jefferson died in 1782, only months after giving birth to the couple’s sixth child.  (That child reportedly weighed over 16 pounds at birth.)  Four of their children died before reaching their third birthday.

Thomas Jefferson lived 44 years after Martha’s death.  She had not had good relationships with her two stepmothers, and before her death she asked him to promise that he would never remarry.  

He never did.

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In 1787, when Jefferson was the American ambassador to France, Sally Hemings accompanied Jefferson’s nine-year-old daughter Maria to Paris.

Hemings, who was only 14 years old at the time, was a slave who Jefferson had inherited from his wife’s father, John Wayles, in 1773.

Sally Hemings: An American Scandal was
a miniseries that aired on CBS in 2000

Wayles was not only Sally Hemings’s owner, he was her father.  In fact, Sally was only one of six children Wayles fathered with Sally’s mother, Elizabeth Hemings, who Wayles had owned for her entire life.  

Does it seem odd that some of the children fathered by John Wayles – who was a white Englishman – were born free, while his other children were born into slavery?  That’s because of partus sequitur ventrem – “that which is born follows the womb” – which was a legal doctrine that provided that the children of enslaved mothers would inherit the legal status of their mothers. 

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In 1789, Jefferson – accompanied by his daughter and Sally Hemings – left Paris to return to the United States and become George Washington’s Secretary of State.  

It is believed that Hemings became pregnant by Jefferson at some point during their time together in Paris.  That child died shortly after Hemings returned to the U.S.

Hemings gave birth to six more children between 1795 and 1808.  Based on DNA evidence, it is now generally accepted that Jefferson was the father of at least one of those children, and perhaps all of them.

Click here to watch a Saturday Night Live sketch about Jefferson and Hemings.

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In theory, Sally Hemings became a free woman the moment she entered France in 1787 – slavery was illegal in France.  But she continued to act as Jefferson’s servant, and chose to return to Virginia with him two years later.

One of Hemings’s sons later said that his mother agreed to resume her life as an enslaved person because Jefferson had promised that he would free her children when they became of age if she did.

But Hemings was only 16 and possibly pregnant when Jefferson left France in 1789.  It’s not clear that she had much choice except to return to Virginia with him – how would she have supported herself if she had remained in France instead?

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Jefferson never spoke about his feelings for Sally Hemings, but his actions after returning from France were not inconsistent with the belief of her descendants that he “loved her dearly.”

Annette Gordon-Reed, the author of a book about Jefferson and Hemings, believes that his feelings for her went well beyond lust:

While lust can last minutes, months, or even a few years, it cannot typically span the decades during which [Jefferson and Hemings] were involved. It simply takes more than lust to sustain an interest in another person over such an extended time period.

Jefferson had access to many other women at Monticello who could have satisfied his carnal interests.  Yet, so far as the record shows, he remained fixated on Sally Hemings, arranging her life at Monticello so that she interacted with him on a daily basis for almost four decades.  Despite the brutal public attention focused on the pair after James Callender exposed their relationship in 1802, Jefferson continued to have children with Hemings. Their children . . . were named for people important to him. His white daughter was said to have wanted Jefferson to send Hemings and their children away so as to spare him further embarrassment. He declined.

But before you turn the Jefferson-Hemings relationship into some kind of rom-com, think about this:

In the U.S., where Hemings was enslaved to Jefferson, he exercised near total legal, economic, and physical control over her life.  As an enslaved person, Hemings would not have been able to refuse sexual access without risk of punishment, sale, or violence, and any absence of recorded force reflects the structural secrecy and power imbalance inherent in slavery rather than evidence of voluntariness.  Under these conditions, meaningful consent is generally considered impossible.  Many historians and scholars therefore describe Jefferson's actions as sexual exploitation or a “forced embrace” within chattel slavery.

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The Amazing Rhythm Aces released 18 albums over a 30-year-plus period, but only their first single  made much of an impression on the Billboard “Hot 100” chart.

“Third Rate Romance” was written by the group’s lead singer, the late Russell Smith, and released in 1975 on their first album, Stacked Deck.

The female one-night-stander says “I’ve never really done this kind of thing before,” and asks her male paramour if he has.  “Yes, I have,” he replies, “but only a time or two.”

I have a feeling both of them may have been fibbing.

Click here to listen to “Third Rate Romance.”

Click here to buy the record from Amazon.

K. Flay – "The President Has a Sex Tape" (2017)

The President has a sex tape

Your daughters aren’t safe at night!

I don’t know how Instagram’s algorithm works, and I don’t really want to know.

What I do know is that it feeds me a LOT of Family Feud videos.

I haven’t watched Family Feud on TV in many, many years.  But based on the snippets from the show that Instagram sends to me, it’s clear that people haven’t gotten any smarter since Steve Harvey took over the show from John O’Hurley, who took it over from Richard Karn, who took it over from Louie Anderson, who took it over from Ray Combs, who took it over from Richard Dawson, who was the host when Family Feud first came on the air in 1976.  

Steve Harvey

(Yes, you read that right – Family Feud has been around for FIFTY YEARS!)

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The families who were on the Family Feud episode I saw on Instagram today are clearly among the dumbest people in the entire U. S. of A.  

Although they might not been as dumb as the women who answered “A funeral” when Harvey asked her to name an occasion where people take a lot of photographs.  (Weddings, birthdays, vacations, and family reunions were the correct answers.)

Click here to watch the Family Feud segment I watched today, which featured this question: “If all the U.S. presidents were alive, single, and ready to mingle, who would you date?” 

The contestant who rang in first – an older African-American woman – responded “Barack Obama.”  (In her dreams!)

But the hugely-pregnant player from the other team topped her by giving the #1 answer – John F. Kennedy.

(I was not surprised that Kennedy was the choice of 41 of the 100 people who were surveyed – younger people may not have chosen him, but he would be a runaway winner if you asked women of my generation.)

The next two contestants answered “Abe Lincoln” and “George Washington,” which were #4 and #5 on the list of correct answers.  

I seriously doubt that any woman today would really want to date Abe or George, although they were both over six feet tall (which is important for many women) – I’m guessing they were picked because they’re the first two men that people think of when they’re asked to name Presidents.

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The next contestant stunned Harvey by answering “Madison.”  

James Madison – our fourth President – was kind of a big deal.  He is known as the “Father of the Constitution” thanks to his role in drafting that document and getting the states to ratify it.  He also persuaded Thomas Jefferson – who he served as Secretary of State – to move ahead with the Louisiana Purchase.

But at five feet four inches tall, Madison was our shortest President.  In fact, he was the only President who was shorter than his wife:

Dolley Madison was three inches
 taller than her husband

I’m sorry, but there are very few women out there interested in dating a guy who’s only five-foot-four.  Not surprisingly, Madison was not on the Family Feud list. 

The team picked up a second strike when the next family member answered “George Bush.”  Although that answer turned out to be wrong, it wasn’t a bad choice strategy-wise because there are TWO George Bushes.  So the team had two shots to win with that answer, not just one.

The next contestant to answer pulled her team’s chestnuts out of the fire by answering “Bill Clinton.”  Clinton barely made the list – only two of the people surveyed picked him.  

That surprised me – I figured he would rank higher.  Several women I know who were introduced to Clinton at political events in Washington admitted to me that they got a little weak in the knees during those encounters.

Maybe the wording of the question confused them.  The question asked you to name a President who was “single and ready to mingle.”  Clinton is not single, of course, but he is clearly ready to mingle at the drop of a hat.

It turns out that the #3-ranked answer to the question was “Ronald Reagan.”  Reagan was a good-looking former movie star, and had a winning personality.  But I figured that his politics might disqualify him from consideration by a lot of women.  Also, he was our oldest President – I assumed that his age was work against him.  (After all, the Presidents who ranked #1 and #2 on the Family Feud list were the two youngest to hold that office.

I found it very encouraging that so many of the women surveyed picked a man who was 77  years old when he left office as the President they would most like to date.

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The pressure was on the next contestant – there was only one name left on the list of correct answers, and if she didn’t pick the right President, the other team would have a chance to win.

At first blush, the man she named  – Robert Kennedy – was an excellent response.  RFK was youthful, good-looking, and came from a wealthy family.  

There was just one problem with the answer.  ROBERT KENNEDY WAS NEVER PRESIDENT.

BZZZZZ! 

That gave the other team a chance to steal the win.  But the team member whose turn it was to answer gave an even more puzzling response: “Benjamin Franklin.”

Franklin was one of the most important of our Founding Fathers, but he never sought the Presidency.  When voters went to the polls in 1788 to elect the first President, Franklin was 82 years old – and in failing health to boot.  Like most people – but not all, as recent history demonstrates – he had the self-awareness to realize that someone as old and frail as he was had no business running for President.

If he had ever been President, old Ben would have been a good bet to make the Family Feud list.  Franklin never married, so he certainly met the “single and ready to mingle” test.  And while he certainly didn’t look like a ladies’ man, appearances can be deceiving. 

Appearances can be deceiving!

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Unlike some men, Franklin didn’t limit himself to women younger than he was – he appreciated des femmes d'un certain âge.

In fact, in a letter titled “Advice to a Friend on Choosing a Mistress,” Franklin identified a number of advantages to older paramours – among other things, they are better conversationalists, are less likely to become pregnant, and exhibit “greater prudence in conducting an intrigue.”

Ben went on to offer an explicit evaluation of the physical advantages and disadvantages of high-mileage mistresses:

The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one.  And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.

I’m convinced!

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So who was the last President on the Family Feud list?  Good ol’ Thomas Jefferson – our third President.

Like Franklin (not to mention Clinton and JFK), Jefferson was a big fan of extramarital sex.  We’ll have more to say about Jefferson’s famous affair with one of his slaves, Sally Hemings, in the next 2 or 3 lines.

In the meantime, click here to enjoy “The President Has a Sex Tape,” which was released by K. Flay in 2017.

Click here to buy “The President Has a Sex Tape” from Amazon.

Mason & Princess Superstar – "Perfect (Exceeder)" (2006)

You see what I can do on this microphone

So guess what I’m gonna do to you at home

If the last 2 or 3 lines, I quoted a Psychology Today column by Jeremy Sherman that discussed the difference between irony and hypocrisy.

That column also addressed the difference between lying and bullsh*tting:

In his bestselling book, On Bullsh*t, the philosopher Harry Frankfurt distinguished between lying and BS’ing: Lying is knowing you’re not telling the truth; BS’ing is not caring what’s true.  A hypocrite is to their inconsistencies what a bullsh*tter is to falsehoods.  Hypocrites just don’t care if they’re talking out both sides of their mouths, and no one can make them care.

On Bullsh*t, by Harry Frankfurt

Sherman went on to say this:

As a side note, It’s a civic tragedy that we’re stuck with a vulgar term like BS.  We have to teach children from an early age not to grow up to be BS’ers, but we can’t use the term because it’s too vulgar.  That’s like what it would be like to potty train toddlers if the only term for poop were some vulgarity you couldn’t use with children. 

Sherman also offered this observation – which is one thousand percent true:

That’s also a problem with the term “a-hole.”  Teaching people not to be a-holes should start young and yet the prevalent term is one we can’t use with the young.

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Conflicts over what is appropriate to teach in our schools goes back to at least 1925, when a Tennessee high school teacher was prosecuted for violating a state law that banned the teaching of human evolution.

The “Scopes Monkey Trial” ended with the teacher being found guilty and ordered to pay a $100 fine.  Subsequent controversies over the school curriculum have often involved whether the Bible has a place in the classroom.  But Americans have also disagreed over the best ways to teach math and reading, how the country’s racial history should be addressed in the schools, and many other topics.

I’d like to think that if there is one subject on which all Americans can agree, it’s that we need to start teaching children not to be a-holes at a very young age!

Of course, teachers can’t do that job alone.  Parents need to get all up in it if their kids show any signs of being a-holes.

I’m asking each and every one of you to institute a strict zero tolerance policy for acting like an a-hole.  And I’m not just talking about children.  I’m talking about you, mom . . . and you, dad.

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American rapper Princess Superstar (née Concetta Suzanne Kirschner) released a single titled “Perfect” in 2005.  It went nowhere.

In 2006, the Dutch DJ and record producer Mason composed “Exceeder,” an instrumental track that was released as a B-side to a forgettable Italian disco record.

Later that year, someone created a mash-up of the two tracks.  When Mason heard the mash-up, he contacted Princess Superstar and asked her to re-record her vocals on “Perfect.”  Mason then released a new version of the mash-up, which was released as “Perfect (Exceeder).”  It became a hit in many countries, including the UK  (where it reached #3 on the UK singles chart) and Belgium (where it went all the way to #1).

In a 2024 interview, Princess Superstar said that she still didn’t know who did the original mash-up, and offered to buy a fruit basket for anyone who could tell her.

Click here to watch the official “Perfect (Exceeder)” music video.

Click here to buy “Perfect (Exceeder)” from Amazon.