Queens of the Stone Age – "Go With the Flow" (2003)

I can go

With the flow

It’s been almost six months since I retired from my law firm.

I’ve been holding my horses, keeping my shirt on, cooling my jets, and taking a chill pill daily . . . in other words, I’ve been taking it pretty easy.

But now that the old batteries are recharged, I’m looking around for what they call an “encore career” – something that doesn’t take up too much time, but is lucrative and satisfying.

Thanks to the Wall Street Journal, I’ve found the perfect encore career!

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Here’s a headline from the March 22 issue of that newspaper: 

Demand for American Sperm 

Is Skyrocketing in Brazil

According to the accompanying story, “human semen imports from the U.S. to Brazil have surged as more rich single women and lesbian couples select donors whose online profiles suggest they will yield light-complexioned and preferably blue-eyed children.”

“The vast majority of what we have and what we sell are the Caucasian blond-haired, blue-eyed donors,” said Fredrik Andreasson, CFO of Seattle Sperm Bank, which provides about a quarter of Brazil’s imports.  

(In case you don't know where Brazil is)

Brazil has a troubled racial legacy: Brazil imported more than ten times as many African slaves than the United States, and it was the last Western nation to ban slavery (in 1888).  

But the preference for light-skinned Caucasian sperm donors holds across the global market – it’s not unique to Brazil.

I’m shocked – shocked! – that women are such racists!  

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Donated sperm costs a pretty penny.  According to the WSJ, Brazilian fertility clinics charge about $1500 for a vial of genetically-vetted sperm from American sperm banks.  

Brazilian women (i.e., potential customers)

I would guess that the American men who provide that sperm are being paid a very small percentage of that amount.  But at least they are paid something –

Fortunately for Brazilian women who can’t afford to pay $1500 for American sperm, there seem to be plenty of selfless Brazilian men who are willing to help them out gratis.  (It's illegal for Brazilian citizens to accept payment in exchange for their sperm.)

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For example, there’s João Carlos Holland de Barcellos, a 61-year-old computer scientist whose blue eyes and white-blond hair (which he attributes to his English and German ancestry) make him very popular with Brazilian moms-to-be.  

 João Carlos Holland de Barcellos
is no match for 2 or 3 lines!

Barcellos is apparently motivated by the desire to perpetuate his genes and ensure his existence beyond death. “It’s an atheist’s way to achieve immortality,” he told the newspaper. 

“His wife manages his agenda and transfers his semen via needleless syringe to the near-daily guests to their chaotic São Paulo home,” says the WSJ.

The article leaves out the most interesting part – how the semen is obtained.

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Mr. Bercellos says he has English and German ancestry, but can he prove it?

I can – thanks to a 23andMe kit that one of my daughter’s gave me as a Christmas gift, I have detailed DNA-based information on my ancestry.

A 23andMe DNA testing kit

For example, I now know that my DNA is 99.7% European and 97.9% northwestern European.  In other words, I’m as Caucasian as all get-out.

If you break that down, you get 51.1% British and Irish (I know from my genealogical research that’s all British and zero Irish, so you can rest assured), 16.9% French and German, and 10.2% Scandinavian.  Add in another 19.7% of what 23andMe calls “broadly northwestern European” – meaning they can’t narrow it down geographically any further than that – and I’m at 97.9% northwestern European.

In other words, I’m a wannabe Brazilian mom’s dream come true!

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American sperm banks provide a wealth of information about donors to prospective moms.  Most of their customers want not only sperm from donors who are blonde and blue-eyed men, but also prefer donors who are intelligent, healthy, and good-looking.

One Brazilian woman interviewed for the WSJ article said that she received a 29-page report about her sperm donor.  That report includes everything from genetic testing for cystic fibrosis and other medical conditions, to a childhood photograph of him.

And I bet her donor wasn’t half as cute as a baby as this little guy?

Yep, that’s yours truly.  I think I could be successful as a sperm donor based on those baby pictures alone.  But I’ve got a lot more to offer than just good looks.

Like high intelligence.  (We’re talking a triple-digit IQ.)

And above-average height.  (Six feet, two inches – or maybe six feet, one inch, if you believe the gal at my doctor’s office who measured me the last time I got a physical.)  

And excellent health.  (The gastroenterologist who handled my last colonscopy said I was “as clean as a whistle.”)

So please share this post with any Brazilian you know who would like to be a mommy and tell them to contact me toot sweet for terms and conditions of this limited-time offer.  (I prefer straight cash, homie – but I will accept PayPal.)

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Queens of the Stone Age released “Go With the Flow” in 2003.  It’s a good song, but the music video for the song – which was created by a group of London artists who call themselves Shynola – absolutely fabulous.

Click here to view that video, which has been viewed over 43 million times on YouTube.

Click here to buy "Go With the Flow" from Amazon.