Honey and the 45s -- "Lolita's Lament" (2012)

I didn’t ask for your love

Not that I mind

But where’d you come from?

The last 2 or 3 lines featured "Got the Need," a bouncy and somewhat retro-feeling song by a five-piece Chicago group called Honey and the 45s.  Click here to read that post.

Today, we're featuring "Lolita's Lament," a song with a very different feel.  

"Got the Need" is a song you'll probably find yourself singing along with.  It's almost guaranteed to get you seat dancing.  ("Seat dancing" -- also known as "dork dancing" -- is what you do when you're listening to funky music in your car, on an airplane, or at a live musical performance when the venue isn't conducive to getting on your feet to dance.)

Honey and the 45s

But "Lolita's Lament" is a song for when you're alone late at night -- it demands (and rewards) more careful listening.

The instrumentation of "Lolita's Lament" isn't entirely acoustic -- the guitars are plugged in -- but the guitars and the somewhat muffled drums (no snare, no cymbals) generally remain in the background.  The musical arrangement puts the spotlight squarely on Kim Kozel's sinuous violin.  Kristina Cottone's singing is front and center, of course, but Kim's violin functions almost like a second voice.

In the very last section of the song, Kim does sing in counterpoint with Kristina -- for me, this is when "Lolita's Lament" really takes off and becomes something special.

Kim Kozel

Before I share "Lolita's Lament" with you, I want to share part two of my interview with Kristina Cottone:

2 or 3 lines: Tell us about your new album, The Need.  I would describe it as a very eclectic album -- how would you characterize the music on it?  

Kristina Cottone:  The album reflects the diverse musical tastes of the members of Honey and the 45s.  You’ll hear jazz, rock, blues, soul, funk, folk, and even country undertones.  The album is also diverse because a few of the songs were written by me years before the band’s fruition.  They are personal songs, playful songs --  and Honey & the 45s brought them to a whole new level.  

A very young Kristina Cottone

2 or 3 lines: Kristina, where did you grow up?  Were your parents or siblings musicians -- or big fans of music?

Kristina: I grew up in Edwardsville, IL, which is about 30 miles outside of St. Louis.  There was always music in my life and in my home. My grandfather was a singer.  He sang with big bands, with quartets, with mariachis in Mexico, and basically, anywhere anyone would listen.  My mom was a private songwriter; she never really went public with any of it, but she’s very talented.  When she wasn’t writing songs of her own, she always had music playing:  Janis Joplin, the Beatles, Carole King. I fell deeply in love with Nat King Cole at a young age, and I still feel his voice is the greatest voice of all time. 

2 or 3 lines: Speaking of your mother . . . as you know, I went to high school with her.  I'm pretty sure she had a big crush on me back then -- I don't know that for sure, but so many girls I knew in high school did, so the odds are that she did, too.  I'm sure she's told you a lot about me over the years -- how much she always admired me, etc.  Am I right about that?

Kristina:  You are right on all fronts.  She has thrown the word "brilliant" around quite often. 

2 or 3 lines:  Does your mom still have the hat she's wearing in the high school newspaper picture below?  How embarrassed would you have been as a teenager if she had ever worn that hat in front of your friends?  

Kristina Cottone's mother in high school

Kristina:  She does not still have that hat, but I have similar hats of my own.  So I wouldn’t have been embarrassed.  Maybe when I was young, I would have been embarrassed by the crazy things my family did, but it gets to a point where you just say, "Yup, we’re goofy . . . and we’re fabulous!" 

2 or 3 lines: Did you have any formal musical training as a child?  Did you participate in school musical groups? 

Kristina:  I had a year of violin when I was young, but I was terrible.  I was in our middle school and high school choirs, and had fantastic teachers both places.  I never took voice lessons, but you can get away with a lot when you’re singing in a crowd.  I was actually quite shy about my singing voice until near the end of college, and I still am in a way.  Until recently I was terrified of trying to harmonize.  I was afraid I’d be off key, and I don’t know . . . the world would end if I was, right?  I had a lot of voice training for acting in college with the brilliant Phil Timberlake.  Voice training for actors is very different than voice training for singers, but I would recommend it to every singer.  

2 or 3 lines: I know a little about the way singers are trained, but I don't know anything about vocal training for actors.

Kristina:  The vocal methods I was trained in were the Fitzmaurice, Linklater and Alexander methods.  Each technique is different, but it’s all about breathing correctly, finding your own voice, and vocalizing in an efficient way that doesn't harm your voice.  Screams, cries, shouts, speaking, and singing all need to be supported.  People can do a lot of damage to their vocal chords if they don’t know what they’re doing. 

2 or 3 lines: When and where was your first public performance?  

Kristina:  My aunt was an actress. When I was five years old my family traveled to Minneapolis to see her in a production of "Nunsense" that had been running for years. The theater had a tradition of pulling a child out of the audience to say the Pledge of Allegiance before the show began. Of course, my aunt chose me. I remember the excitement of walking up to the stage, my nerves, feeling like I would forget something, and then arriving on stage with hundreds of eyes looking in my direction.  I said the Pledge with all of the fervor I could muster, and when I was finished there was thunderous applause.  I thought to myself, "Hey . . . I could get used to this!"

2 or 3 lines: What kind of music did you enjoy when you were a teenager?  Who were you a particular fan of when you were in high school?  

Kristina:  In high school, I got into Alanis Morissette, Jack Johnson, Fiona Apple, Dave Matthews Band, Ben Folds Five, Tracy Chapman, Shakira, The Black Eyed Peas, Common Sense, Mos Def, Talib Kweli.  Also Frank Sinatra -- I used to joke about how I wished Frank Sinatra could have been my prom date.  Later I went through a hip hop phase for quite a while and even attempted break dancing.  In college I fell in love with Regina Spektor, the Avett Brothers, Ray Lamontagne and Laura Marling. 

Kristina Cottone

2 or 3 lines:  When I was in college, we tended to listen to entire albums -- with LPs, it wasn't so easy to jump around from song to song.  With CDs and online music, you can  create playlists of individual songs instead of listening to albums from beginning to end.  How do you listen to music?

Kristina:  When I find an artist I like, I literally play their album over and over and over again.  I listen and re-listen for all the little details.  If a song makes me feel something powerful, I stick with it for a while before moving on to the next song.  I don’t know why but I almost feel like I’m “cheating” an album unless I’ve played it over and over again and given it my full attention before moving on to listening to another artist.  It was hard for me to get used to CD mixes for this reason.  I’ve gotten much better about this, and I’m not such an annoying road trip passenger as I used to be. 

2 or 3 lines: What artists would you say have influenced your writing and performing style?

Kristina:  Regina Spektor has certainly helped encourage the playful element of my music.  Laura Marling has absolutely influenced my lyrics -- every word out of her mouth is completely brilliant.  Eli "Paperboy" Reed has influenced the "Motown-ness" in me that you see in Honey & the 45s.  He puts on a fantastic show!  And I have to mention my significant other, Nathaniel Matthew, who has really pulled out the soul and blues in my voice and style of writing.  

The cover of Regina Spektor's latest album

2 or 3 lines: Are there any other Chicago groups you've heard or performed with who you think are especially talented?

Kristina:  Lonie Walker and Patricia Barber are two of my local favorites.  I may be biased but I think my guy, Nathaniel Matthew, is one of the most talented vocalists and musicians around -- his album, Songs Written On Recycled Cotton Pulp, is rich and soulful.  He just started a project called Crook County, and Honey has played a few shows with them.  There’s something special there.  Some of the other notable bands or musicians we’ve played with are the Outfit, Valentine Xavier, Audio Bakery, Elle Casazza, Diana and the Dishes, Lying Delilah, Egon’s Unicat, and Ahymnsa. 

2 or 3 lines: Where do you see yourself in ten years, Kristina?  

Kristina:  I can see myself owning or running an arts foundation or program in ten years: something that encourages and incorporates visual, musical, dance, and theatrical arts. I would like to have traveled and toured, put out amazing records, collaborated with hundreds of artists, directed a few plays as well as acted in dozens; I would like to have changed people’s minds.  And I would like to own some land!

2 or 3 lines: Land is good -- everyone should have a little piece of land of their own!  [Laughter.]  And what about the future of Honey and the 45s?

Kristina:  As far as Honey & the 45s go, the sky’s the limit.   I really think we have something special and I’d like to see us go far.  

2 or 3 lines:  You've talked about your fellow band members a little already, but I want you to tell me a little more about their musical strengths and what each one  contributes to the group.

Honey and the 45s during the
"Lolita's Lament" video shoot

Kristina:  Jon Gould is one of the most talented, tasteful, coolheaded, cooperative lead guitarists I have ever met.  He doesn’t try to overplay anything.  He really listens to the song and works with what is best for it.  If you need powerful, sensual, tasteful guitar licks, he can give ‘em to you.  He can also play pretty much any instrument you put in front of him. Chris Kusek is a fantastic, all-around musician. Like Jon, he is great at listening and knows how to create special moments within a song.  He is very versatile and he doesn’t mind playing goofy percussion instruments if that’s what the song calls for.  Kim Kozel can find harmonies you would never knew existed.  Not only does she sing and play the violin, she plays the saxophone.  How rare and awesome can you be?  She is dynamic, graceful, positive, and supportive and she really grounds the band.  Our newest member, Sean Tatum, has upped our “coolness” factor by at least 150%.  He’s got swagger and he’s interesting and his bass lines pour out the soul we need in our band.  I can’t wait to hear more from Tatum as we continue to work on our next album.  These buddies of mine, they’ve got it going on. We deserve to get somewhere, and I think we will.  

Click here if you'd like to visit the Honey and the 45s website.  For those of you who are in the Chicago area, check out the "Calendar" section of the website -- they perform regularly in Chicago and other cities in the midwest.  Kristina is especially excited about the group's upcoming March 21 visit to her home town -- Edwardsville, Illinois -- where they will perform at the Southern Illinois University campus and at the historic Wildey Theatre.

Here's the brand-new music video for "Lolita's Lament," which was shot on the roof of Kim Kozel's apartment on a cold Chicago day.  The video features Kamani Raqs, a Chicago dancer and dance instructor who specializes in traditional and modern belly dancing.

Click here to buy "Lolita's Lament" from Amazon:

Honey and the 45s -- "Got the Need" (2012)

And when I got an itch

You know I gotta scratch

2 or 3 lines is always on the lookout for promising young  recording artists.  I get a big kick out of getting to know up-and-coming musicians, and using my wildly popular blog to spread the word about their music.

Today, it's time to stoke up the star-maker machinery for Honey and the 45s, a Chicago band that released "Got the Need" on its first album (The Need) about six months ago.

It's not easy to categorize the group's sound.  Reviewers have characterized their performances as combining elements of funk, jazz, soul/R&B, Chicago-style blues and even country/rockabilly.  

Mark Twain once said, "If you don't like the weather in New England, just wait a few minutes."  The same principle applies to Honey and the 45s: if you don't like one of their songs, just wait a few minutes -- the next song may be something entirely different.

The group's lead singer and primary lyricist, Kristina Cottone, is the daughter of a woman who was in my high school class.  The apple didn't fall far from the tree in this case -- Kristina is very talented and has oodles of personality, just like her mother.

Here's part one of my interview with Kristina Cottone.  The next 2 or 3 lines will feature part two of that interview:

2 or 3 lines:  Kristina, I did some research on you to prepare for this interview, and I learned that you are not just a musician -- you're also an actress, a painter, and a writer.  How much time do you currently devote to each of those endeavors?   

Kristina Cottone:  Too much time, and not enough.  I never seem to have the time for everything I want to do, although I'm getting better about prioritizing.  Currently music is getting the biggest piece of the pie.

2 or 3 lines:  So right now you're devoting more time and effort to music than acting, which has obviously been an important part of your life.

Kristina Cottone (center) in a 2012 production
of Eugene Ionesco's play, Rhinoceros

Kristina:  This will be the first season in 12 years that I won’t be in a play.  That was a very hard decision for me.  I love the theater and have spent most of my life in the theater.  But something with music is in the air, and so I’ve decided to focus on it more than acting for the time being. I am still the Marketing Director with Chicago's Organic Theater, and I am working to become a certified Michael Chekhov Technique teacher.  [NOTE:  Michael Chekhov (1891-1955) was a legendary actor and acting teacher, whose students included Marilyn Monroe, Clint Eastwood, Yul Brynner, and Jack Palance.] 

2 or 3 lines:  What about your painting and writing?

Kristina:  Painting is primarily a relaxing hobby for me -- I haven’t actively tried to get in galleries or make a career out of it.  I just paint because I enjoy it.  As a writer, I have won a few small awards for my poetry, and I have many unfinished stories that I will finish someday.  I am currently in the middle of co-writing a play with my mother.

Kristina's painting, "Collide"

2 or 3 lines:  You've performed as a solo musician -- you even released a solo EP (The Meadows).  Tell me why you decided you wanted to be part of a group, and how Honey and the 45s got started.

Kristina:  That's a long and complicated story involving the many different people who are or were band members.  Let’s just say the group got started because some good friends wanted to make music together.  I had my solo work, but wanted to do something more, and I knew I wanted to work with another female.  Honey and the 45s began with me, Kim Kozel and Chris Kusek.  [NOTE:  Kim Kozel plays violin and saxophone and Chris Kusek is the group's drummer.  Both of them back up Kristina's lead vocals.]  Later we added more members and the group's sound evolved into what it is today.

2 or 3 lines:  There have been a lot of great groups that broke up due to disagreements over what musical direction they wanted to go in, or because certain members felt like second-class citizens whose songs and opinions were given short shrift by others in the group -- the Beatles and Traffic are a couple of examples that come to mind.  Five musical heads are certainly better than one, assuming that those five heads respect one another and are able to compromise.  You've had some turnover in Honey and the 45s -- do you feel like the current band members are all on the same page in terms of your musical vision for the group?

Kristina:  We are all confident this is the final lineup for Honey and the 45s, and couldn’t be happier about that.  Being in a band with people is just like being in a relationship.  There are disagreements about sound, different ways of working, schedule conflicts -- sometimes circumstances cause departures that we wish didn't have to happen.  For example, Max Benson was a great bassist and had a huge influence on our sound when he joined the group.  But he decided to move to Los Angeles, and we had to replace him.  Luckily for us, we bumped into the coolest and best bassist around, Sean Tatum.  Max and Sean worked together to ensure we had the smoothest transition possible.  I'm happy that we are still on fantastic terms with every former Honey and the 45s band member.  That’s the long and short of it. 

Honey and the 45s

2 or 3 lines:  The Honey and the 45s website identifies you as the group's primary lyricist.  Tell us a little about how you write a song.  How collaborative is the process with your fellow band members? 

Kristina:  Often a song idea starts for me with a word, a line, or a concept that I think of in the middle of the night, or maybe in the shower.  Usually it starts with a melody as well.  Sometimes I write the whole thing before I present it to the rest of the band.  Other times Kim and I will riff on ideas for a chorus so we can work out harmonies and rhythm -- there's a lot of singing on car rides -- and then we present what we've come up with to the rest of the band and say, “Let’s make this happen!”  I’d say the atmosphere is very collaborative when we are working on a song.  We all respect each other’s ideas and opinions very much.  We have immense trust in one another’s artistic integrity. 

2 or 3 lines:  It sounds like the process is more informal and ad hoc than formal and intellectual.  

Kristina:  I only know a minimal amount of music theory.  Part of that is by choice.  I regret not knowing more theory when my band jams -- most of them have had extensive formal music training.  At the same time, not knowing theory has enabled me to be more creative.  Sometimes I’ll play a song for my band and Jon -- our lead guitarist -- will say “Wow!  That’s so interesting . . . you went from A to B" -- he'll insert the appropriate musical jargon, of course -- "which doesn’t make sense, but I like it!”  

Kristina Cottone

2 or 3 lines:  I understand that you filled up a notebook with song lyrics when you were in 6th grade.  What inspired you to do that?  Can you give us an example of your 6th-grade lyrics?

Kristina:  Yes, this is true!  I’m not exactly sure what inspired me to start writing songs . . . maybe my mom’s songwriting, maybe teenage hormones?  I needed a release, and I found it through songwriting.  But I will never reveal my 6th-grade lyrics!  I’ve probably written over 1000 songs in my life.  You know what?  I'd say 980-plus are total garbage.  People always say “I wish I could write songs.”  They can!  They can write songs, they just have to accept that most of them are going to be bad.  Especially in the beginning.  With that said, I have used bits and pieces of lyrics I wrote five or even ten years ago in my new songs.  Just because a song as a whole is bad doesn’t mean every part of it is bad. 

2 or 3 lines:  Let's talk specifically about the Honey and the 45s song that we're featuring today -- "Got The Need."  Tell us how that song came to be.

Kristina:  I initially wrote the lyrics and melody to "Got the Need."  But almost all our former and current members contributed to that song -- including the talented Andrew Culhane and Kevin Roy Kramer, who were our lead guitarist and bass player at the time the song was written.  When Jon Gould and Max Benson replaced them, the arrangement and chording changed and evolved into what you hear on the album.  A lot of different hands helped to shape "Got The Need," but the live version is a direct reflection of our current lineup -- me, Kim, Chris, Jon, and our newest member, the fabulous bassist Sean Tatum, whose first day as the band's bassist was the day we filmed the music video for the song. 

From the "Got the Need" video shoot

2 or 3 lines:  What was the genesis of "Got the Need"?  What were you trying to say in that song? 

Kristina:  The chorus came first.  Although some of the lyrics seem to be about singer's need to maintain her freedom in a relationship, to me what the song is really about is the need to perform.  The need to be free and expressive and wild as an artist!  

2 or 3 lines:  You obviously enjoy performing -- whether as a musician or an actress.  There's nothing like being on stage in front of a live audience -- that's a feeling money can't buy.  But I'm sure that being a performer can be very frustrating at times.  Do you ever get discouraged?

Kristina:  It’s hard to be an artist and have people constantly saying, “But what do you REALLY do?”   It’s obnoxious and disrespectful.  The amount of work that goes into these art forms is insane!  Theatre, music and art are all underappreciated in society, but are extremely valuable and necessary to forming a progressive and coherent culture.  Audiences are disappearing from more and more theatre groups, arts funding is drying up . . . and more people get up and move to the next room when there is live music at a restaurant!  I think people’s attention spans are disappearing with technology.  The need to constantly be electronically connected is actually disconnecting everyone.  We tried to capture that in the video -- the need for art and life and freedom to express yourself.  I think we succeeded. 

2 or 3 lines:  That's a great segue, Kristina, so let's watch the "Got the Need" video.  But before we do, one final question.  Your mother -- whom I went to high school with -- makes a brief appearance at about 2:20 of that video.  Was she unhappy that you didn't give her a bigger role?

Kristina:  [Laughs.]  No, nothing of the sort.  She was very happy with her cameo.

In the next 2 or 3 lines, we'll continue our conversation with Kristina Cottone of Honey and the 45s.  But now it's time to listen to "Got the Need":

Click here to buy the song from Amazon:

Dan Hicks & His Hot Licks -- "Shorty Falls In Love" (1971)

As we sped around the world 

To see what we could see

But I saw you and you saw me mostly

That's "most-LY," by the way -- accent on the second syllable.

"Shorty Falls in Love" -- the last track on side one of Where's the Money, a live album that Dan Hicks & His Hot Licks recorded at the legendary Troubador club in West Hollywood -- is one of the seven wonders of the modern world.

The song begins with a non sequitur -- Dan Hicks announces to his audience that "This tune was written by Gower Champion."  Gower Champion was a famous dancer (he and his wife Marge starred in seven M-G-M musicals in the fifties, including Showboat) who became an even more famous Broadway choreographer and director.  

Champion directed Bye Bye Birdie, Carnival, Hello Dolly!, and 42nd Street, among others, and won a total of eight Tony Awards.  But I don't think he ever wrote a song -- much less this song.  I can only think that Hicks used his name because he thought it was funny.  

When the audience fails to react to his Gower Champion gag, Hicks gets a little defensive before suddenly shifting from his depressive gear to his manic one.  "You probably think it's easy being up here, singing and playing and everything, but it's not -- it's not easy," he says.  "Thank you!"

Poster for a 1972 Hot Licks performance

This is the first but not the last non sequitur on "Shorty Falls in Love," which begins with a fabulous jazz violin solo by Sid Page.

Then, out of nowhere, Maryann Price (who teamed with Naomi Ruth Eisenberg to form the "Lickettes") jumps in and spits out the words of the first verse at a pace that is almost too fast for the human ear to comprehend -- how she can articulate the lyrics at this speed is a mystery to me:

Partic'lywhenI'mthinking

Whirlwinds of thoughts of you, I recreate the scene

The time we met, I can't forget, I mean

Istretchmybraintorecall

All the things we've done together

Since that golden day

Maryann then lists some of those things she and her lover have done together -- they've climbed a mountain just to see the moon, done the hulu dance on the white sands of the beach at Waikiki, and taken in a bullfight in Spain.

Maryann Price

The journey to Spain inspired this memorable non sequitur:

The trip to Spain was so insane

We could hardly watch the bull

Luckily the ring that day was full

Just as full as my heart was

The day you became mine

The song ends with the lines quoted at the beginning of this post.  

The songs on Where's the Money are uniformly weird and wonderful.  I'll just quote one of its other tracks, a catchy little ditty sung by a concerned husband that's titled "Is This My Happy Home?"

The little things you don't pick up

Like a ringing telephone

Have set my mind to wondering

Is this my happy home?

Things quickly go from bad to worse for this unhappy gentleman:

And dinner when there is one

Has been the TV kind

The dogs and cats play on the floor

And then they do some more

Hmmm . . . that's no happy home, Jack -- I'd pack my bags and hit the road if I were you.

Dan Hicks attended San Francisco State in the late fifties and got his musical start as the drummer for the Charlatans, perhaps the first "San Francisco Sound" bands of the sixties.  (Some people compare them to the Grateful Dead, but I think their mix of folk, blues, and psychedelic music was closer to Moby Grape.) 

When they signed with Kama Sutra Records in 1966, the Charlatans wanted their first single to be their cover of Buffy Sainte-Marie's "Codine," which was inspired by her addiction to codeine.  (The spelling is deliberate -- the band pronounces the word "co-dyne," not "co-deen.")  Kama Sutra flatly refused to release the song, even though it didn't glorify drug use but was instead a cautionary tale of the dangers of drugs.

Hicks left the Charlatans in 1968 to form Dan Hicks & His Hot Licks, which was notable for not having a drummer.  (Hicks shifted to guitar with the Hot Licks.)  The group's music is purely acoustic.  It's hard to classify, but I guess it's more swing than anything else -- it may remind you of Asleep at the Wheel (which is more Western swing than the Hot Licks) or Commander Cody and His Lost Planet Airman (which was honky-tonkier)

Here's how Hicks described his music many years later:

My music is kind of a blending.  We have acoustic instruments.  It starts out with kind of a folk music sound, and we add a jazz beat and solos and singing.  We have the two girls that sing, and jazz violin, and all that, so it’s kind of light in nature, it’s not loud.  And, it’s sort of, in a way, kinda carefree.  Most of the songs are, I wouldn’t say funny, but kinda maybe a little humorous.  We all like jazz, so we like to play in a jazzy way, with a swing sound you know, so I call it “folk swing."  

Dan Hicks in 2009

Hicks broke up the Hot Licks after the group's third album was released in 1973.  They reunited for a 1992 Austin City Limits, but never recorded again.  Hicks eventually put together a new Hot Licks lineup and has recorded with a variety of other artists (including Bette Midler, Elvis Costello, and Tom Waits).  

Dan Hicks is a true musical eccentric.  He's now 71 years old and just as weird as he ever was.

Click this link to listen to "Shorty Falls in Love."  (The first of the three versions listed is the one from the Where's the Money album.)

Click below to buy the song from Amazon:

Bloodhound Gang -- "Fire Water Burn" (1996)

Yeah, I'm hung like planet Pluto 

Hard to see with the naked eye 

But if I crashed into Uranus 

I would stick it where the sun don't shine 

I can hear thousands of you clicking the "back" button on your computer.  It's just as well, because this post ain't gonna get any better.  (A word to the wise is sufficient.)

A couple of weeks ago, the Google search page took note of the 540th birthday of Nicolaus Copernicus, who was a true Renaissance man.  

Copernicus was a mathematician, a physician, a classics scholar, an artist, a Catholic cleric, a diplomat, an economist, and a doctor of law, and he was fluent in several languages.  But he is remembered today as the world's original heliocentrist -- in other words, the first man to postulate that the sun (not the Earth) was the center of the solar system.

Copernicus

In honor of Copernicus, I went searching for a song about our planetary system to feature on 2 or 3 lines.  "Fire Water Burn" is the song I chose.

Speaking of anniversaries, it was 20 years ago today that the first episode of Beavis and Butt-head aired on MTV.  I don't know if the music video of "Fire Water Burn" was ever featured in an episode of Beavis and Butt-head, but it would have fit right in.

I remember when Beavis and Butt-head made its debut.  It was an appalling show -- gross, sexist, and just plain annoying.  

I have to think that the people behind movies like The Hangover and Step Brothers and Superbad grew up watching Beavis and Butt-head, playing video games, and trying to figure out a way to spy on the cheerleaders when they undressed and took showers after gym class.

I think that most people assumed that no TV show would ever exceed Beavis and Butt-head when it came to plain ol' obnoxiousness. 

But I remember one reviewer stating with great certainty that those people were wrong -- that you could be certain that there were producers and writers holed up in shabby little studios and offices in the lower-rent parts of Hollywood and Burbank, working on projects that would make Beavis and Butt-head look as tame as Leave It to Beaver.  

("Heh, heh, heh . . . he said 'beaver,' Butt-head.")

That reviewer was correct.  Less than five years after Beavis and Butt-head made its debut on MTV, South Park debuted on Comedy Central.  It was much worse.

The Bloodhound Gang is the musical equivalent of South Park.  To call their humor sophomoric is to insult sophomores everywhere.  

One of the group's more successful singles was titled "Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo."  (Think about it.) 

Its greatest hits album was titled Show Us Your Hits:  

The band has said that its next studio album will be titled Getting Laid on a School Bus.  One of the songs that will not be on that album is a song called "Yellow Fever," which is about the singer's lust for an Asian woman.  Here are some sample lyrics:

She was "Made in Taiwan"

I said I'm OK with that

Just promise me you'll never try 

To eat my cat

Click this link (if you dare) to see the complete lyrics.

Here's "Fire Water Burn" -- you might want to have the women and children leave the room before you listen to it:

Click here to buy the song from Amazon:

Bloodhound Gang -- "The Bad Touch" (2000)

You and me, baby

Ain't nothin' but mammals 

So let's do it like they do

On the Discovery Channel 

Sometimes I choose the songs that are featured on 2 or 3 lines.  Other times, the songs do the choosing -- 2 or 3 lines is simply the medium that transmits the message.

Believe me, I didn't choose this song.  It chose me.  (That's my story and I'm sticking to it.)

It all started a couple of weeks ago when I saw the Washington Post obituary for  the late Tandyn Almer, who composed "Along Comes Mary," which is one of the greatest songs of the sixties.  (I think you can make a very good case that it is the greatest song of the sixties.)

Click here to read Tandyn Almer's obituary, which is one of the greatest obits I've ever read.

The original recording of "Along Comes Mary" was by the Association, but a number of other artists -- including the Bloodhound Gang -- have covered the song.  (I'm using the term "artist" very, very loosely here.)

The Bloodhound Gang's rendition of "Along Comes Mary" (not to mention 'The Bad Touch") appeared on an 1999 album titled Hooray for Boobies.  (I second that emotion, of course, but might have preferred a somewhat more tasteful title.)  

I almost forgot to mention that the Bloodhound Gang's cover of "Along Comes Mary" sort of sucks.  

(Let me revise that: it REALLY SUCKS.)

But the band makes up for it with some of their other songs -- including this one.

Here's what Allmusic says about the Bloodhound Gang:

On one hand, it's easy to hate the Bloodhound Gang.  They're vulgar, obnoxious, lunk-headed, awkward, offensive, and defiantly stupid.  On the other hand, you almost have to admire the lengths that they go to be, well, defiantly stupid.  It's not just in the words -- the music is as dumb and dopey as [the] ridiculous lyrics. This is really, really, really dumb music. 

I think Allmusic pretty much nailed it, although you could fault them for not throwing in another "really" or two.

From "The Bad Touch" music video

The music video for "The Bad Touch" was shot in Paris, of all places.  The band's members are dressed in monkey outfits in keeping with the song's chorus, which is quoted at the beginning of this post.  

The video has many, many appalling elements.  For example, there's a shot of four hot French models walking down a Left Bank street, unaware that the monkey-suited band members are lying in wait to ambush them.  As the models walk by them, the Bloodhound Gang pops up with blowguns and nails the models with tranquilizer darts, then carries off the unconscious jeunes filles to who-knows-where to do who-knows-what to them.

(Let me revise that as well:  I have a pretty good idea what they plan to do to them.)

Always a welcome sight!

You've gotta love a song with a Waffle House reference:

You've had enough of two-hand touch

You want it rough, you're out of bounds 

I want you smothered, want you covered, 

Like my Waffle House hash browns 

For those of you who have never enjoyed Waffle House hash browns, you should know that you can order them not only "smothered" (with onions) and "covered" (with cheese), but also "chunked" (with diced ham), "diced" (with tomatoes), "peppered" (with jalapeños), "capped" (with mushrooms), and "topped" (with chili).

2 or 3 lines will feature another Bloodhound Gang song in the very near future, and that will give me the opportunity to introduce you to some of the group's members and talk a little about how they got started.  (You've been warned.)

Here's the music video for "The Bad Touch" (which has had over 61 million views to date):

Click her to buy the song from Amazon:

Curren$y -- "You See It" (2011)

Courtside, a few drinks

Cussing at the referee

His officiating stinks

They don't sell alcohol at the high school basketball games that I referee.  But the players, coaches, and parents -- especially the parents -- still cuss at my partners and me, making it clear that they think our refereeing stinks.

The main purpose of this post is to give you a feel for the behind-the-scenes life of a high school basketball referee.  But first, I need to get something off my chest.

Here's what I have to say to all those parents who yell at me during my games: put a cork in it!  Seriously, parents -- up yours.  You're as clueless as I was before I took the referee course and passed the rules exam eleven years ago.  I used to sit up in the bleachers watching my kids' game and yelling "Three seconds!" and "Over the back!" and other such nonsense like I actually knew what I was talking about -- just like you do.

Only a few of the many 
refereeing signals I've mastered

Referees occasionally get a measure of revenge against the know-nothings up in the stands.  A few weeks ago, I was doing a public-school JV game.  Some father sitting in the front row was trying to get me to call three seconds on one team.  "Thousand one, thousand two, THOUSAND THREE!" he would yell at the top of his lungs -- I guess he thought he could embarrass me into making the call.  (Just the opposite, folks.)

The first words out of the mouth of the grizzled old veteran who taught my refereeing class were these:  "Calling three seconds is the sign of a weak referee!"  There are several reasons that referees don't call three seconds as often as parents think they should call three seconds (but only on their little darlings' opponents, of course) -- one being that parents have no idea what the three seconds rule actually says, and are usually calling for it when no violation has taken place.

Anyway, during a timeout, "Mr. Three Seconds" loudly pointed out that the game clock was still running.  What he apparently didn't realize is that most modern scoreboards show the time remaining in the timeout during a timeout -- not the time remaining in the quarter.

Giving a tech makes me smile, too!

Let's say there's a full (60-second) timeout with 2:45 left in the 4th quarter.  Once the referee tells the scoreboard operator that a 60-second timeout has been called, he or she will hit a button that puts 60 seconds on the clock and starts the countdown.  Once the timeout is over, the game time (here, 2:45) automatically reappears.

Confusing the game clock and the timeout clock is a rookie mistake.  When this bozo urgently shouted "The clock's running!" during that timeout -- obviously, his son's team was behind, so he wanted to conserve every second left -- I replied politely but loudly enough to be heard, "Sir, that's the timeout clock."

I could spend all day giving you examples of parents being wrong and referees being right.  But my license for shooting fish in a barrel just expired.  So instead of doing that, let's lift the curtain on my life as a ref. 

Here's the gym at Winston Churchill High School in Potomac, Maryland, one Saturday before the Churchill Bulldogs and the Walt Whitman High School Vikings clashed:

The public schools in Maryland usually have the refs change into uniform in an office usually occupied by coaches or PE teachers.  It's as if the players got dressed in the chemistry lab -- a real dressing room would work much better, but you take what you get.

It was obvious that one of the Churchill coaches was a frustrated artist or at least a wannabe art teacher.  He had pinned a number of reproductions of modern paintings up on the wall.  Here's Joan Miró's "Red Sun" (from the Phillips Collection in Washington, DC):

I'm not sure if the same coach or a different one posted this Albert Camus quote:

My experience at the Washington International School the next week (when the WIS Red Devils hosted the team from another small private school, the Sandy Spring Friends School Wildebeests) was quite a bit different.  The WIS gym is a relatively modest affair:

However, there's an actual officials' dressing room, complete with lockers, a toilet, and a shower.

Most high school showers are pretty grungy.  I don't use them often, but sometimes you just can't leave with showering -- for example, when you are meeting your hot (age-adjusted) French girlfriend après le match.  Ending up with toenails that look like something that belongs on a space alien is the price you pay for not stinking up the boudoir.

The WIS shower, by contrast, was lovely -- and it had a copious amount of really hot water and an assortment of toiletries:

I scorned the "Nivea for Men" body wash and used instead the "Victoria Secret Forever Romance" shower gel.  It went a little too heavy on the lavender -- but Frenchwomen love lavender, so that was cool.

My most recent game assignment took me to far-away Alexandria, Virginia, for a doubleheader pitting the boys' freshmen and junior varsity teams from Bishop Ireton and Bishop Denis J. O'Connell High Schools, two Roman Catholic schools from Northern Virginia.  (Both are named after former bishops of the Diocese of Richmond, Virginia, but neither school is now in that diocese.)

Ireton and O'Connell are members of the Washington Catholic Athletic Conference -- which is made up of 12 high schools (eight are coed, two are all-male, and two are all-female) located in seven different cities and counties in Maryland, Virginia, and the District of Columbia. 

The WCAC is widely considered the best basketball conference in the Washington metropolitan area -- some would say it's the best basketball conference in the country.  Three of the top five boys' teams in the Washington Post's metro-area rankings (which include about 256 high schools) are from the WCAC -- including #1 and #2.  According to the Post, three of the seven best girls' teams in the area -- including #1 and #3 -- are WCAC squads.

2012 WCAC boys basketball all-conference team

Every one of the eleven boys on the 2012 WCAC all-conference team were offered  basketball scholarships to Division I colleges.  Among the schools that offered scholarships to those players were a few that you are probably used to seeing play in the NCAA tournament: Indiana, North Carolina, Syracuse, Villanova, North Carolina State, Maryland, and Pittsburgh. 

So refereeing a WCAC junior varsity game is more of a challenge than a lot of lesser varsity games -- especially because you have to do it immediately after refereeing the freshmen game.  (WCAC freshmen aren't exactly chopped liver.)  Also, those games utilize a two-referee crew, while WCAC varsity games use a three-referee crew (like colleges and the NBA).

At Bishop Ireton, my partner and I got dressed in a coaches' office.  From the look of this sign, it was a female coaches' office.

In case you can't make out the sign, it reads as follows: "Gentlemen: Please put seat back down.  Thank you."

I'm not complaining.  The athletic director -- a swell fellow -- told us our money was no good at the concession stand, so after our games my partner and I grabbed some complimentary chow and watched the first half of the varsity contest.

Finally, here's a picture of a local middle-school gym where I recently did some county rec department games.  About ten years ago, I saw one of my daughters drop 35 or so points on a hapless opponent in this very gym.  (Her team was pressing, and the other team kept throwing the ball right into her hands, so she made a lot of layups that day.  My other daughter scored seven in the first quarter and then stopped shooting --  she was either afraid of showing up the other team, or didn't want to draw any more attention to herself.)

At the end of my games, I head for my car and reward myself with a cold beer -- the "King of Beers" hits the spot after a couple of hours of running up and down a basketball and suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune in the form of idiotic comments from players, coaches, and parents:

Curren$y is a New Orleans rapper who once recorded for Lil Wayne's Cash Money Records.  "You See It" is from his 2011 album, Weekend at Burnie's.  

Curren$y is often pigeonholed as a "weed rapper."  As a review on Allmusic said, "Curren$y raps more about getting high than most people do . . . [but] to focus on his cannabis appetite is to ignore some of the things that make him one of the more dependable working rappers" (whatever that means).

Here's "You See It":

Click here if you'd like to buy the song from Amazon.  But whether you buy it or not, just keep your opinions to yourself the next time I referee one of your kids' games.