Rolling Stones – "Winning Ugly" (1986)

I was brought up to cheat 

So long as the referee

Wasn’t looking 

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it really make a sound?

If a basketball player violates a rule and the referee doesn’t see it, was there really a violation?

The answer to both questions is the same – correct?

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I’ve been refereeing basketball since 2001.  

Now that I’m retired, I can do a lot more games during the week.  I can do middle-school games (which tip off at 315p on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays), junior varsity games (which usually start at 530p on weekdays but may start as early as 400p at some schools), and varsity games (which most often begin at 700p or 715p on weekdays).

Plus I can continue to referee county recreation department and CYO games, which begin at 900a on Saturdays and at noon on Sundays, and continue until well after dark.

Refereeing is the way I get in my exercise in the winter – when the temperatures are in the thirties and forties, I lose all interest in biking or hiking.  

Recently, I’ve been doing games almost every day.  I’m currently in the middle of a ten-day stretch where I have at least one game – sometimes two – every day.

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As of now, it looks like I’ll referee 41 games in January.  (That number should have been higher, but five of my games have been postponed due to bad weather.)

That breaks down to 17 recreation department and CYO games, nine public middle-school games, a freshmen boys’ game at a private high school, eight high-school JV games (mostly at public schools), and six high-school varsity games (at both public and private schools).

Most of those games involved boys and but a fair number were girls’ games.  

Two of my rec department games involved 6th-grade boys.  The level of play in those games was nothing to write home about.

My most challenging game was a boys’ varsity game featuring some very fast and physical players.  My refereeing partner in that game was a Division I college referee, which was comforting.

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I had to take a ten-session training class and pass a 100-question multiple-choice rules exam to become a referee – and I have to pass a written refresher exam every fall to maintain my status.

Maybe you played high-school basketball, or watch a lot of basketball on TV.  But I guarantee you that you wouldn’t answer more than a quarter of the questions on the rules exam correctly unless you studied the rulebook closely before you took that test.

But the hardest part of being a referee isn’t memorizing the rules.  The bigger challenge is learning when to blow my whistle and call a foul or a violation, and when not to blow the whistle – which is a decision that depends on the age and skill level of the players and a number of other factors.

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You’ve heard the saying, “No harm, no foul.”  It’s not that simple, but there is quite a bit of truth in that statement.

For example, last weekend I had a 6th-grade boys’ rec department game that featured one player who was not only bigger and stronger than his opponents, but also a more skilled player.  Several times, he successfully dribbled through the defense and made a layup.  Each time he did that, there was contact.  

The contact didn’t slow this kid down, or knock him off course, or interfere with his shots.  In other words, it was what the rule book terms “incidental contact” – which is defined as contact which does not hinder a player from completing normal offensive or defensive movements.  Incidental contact is not a foul.

If you called a foul every time there was contact between two 6th-grade players, you’d be calling fouls on almost every possession – the kids wouldn’t be able to play because the referees would be constantly interrupting the action.

In a high-school game, I would have been more likely to call a foul because players at that level are more skilled, and you hold them to a higher standard.  Also, even relatively minor contact may still affect the outcome of a play at that level.  

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The “No harm, no foul” principle doesn’t apply only to fouls, of course.

If you’ve ever played basketball, or have a son or daughter who has played basketball, you know about the “three seconds” rule.  In a nutshell, that rule holds that an offensive player can’t stand in the free-throw lane for more than three seconds.  

If you go to any low-level kids’ basketball game, you’ll hear coaches and parents yelling “Three seconds!” every time an opponent whose team has the ball is seen standing within the boundaries of the free-throw lane.

Are they doing that because the opponent is getting an advantage?  Most of the time, the answer to that question is “Absolutely not!”  The kid who is standing in the lane isn’t the 6th-grade equivalent of Wilt Chamberlain – someone who is bigger than the defenders, and who is pretty much unstoppable when he positions himself or herself in the lane close to the basket until a teammate lobs a high pass to him – a pass that none of the smaller defenders can reach – which he or she catches and deposits into the basket.

Usually, the kids that everyone yells “Three seconds!” about aren’t the better players.  They aren’t particularly big, and they’re no real threat to get the ball while positioned in the lane and then score.  They are in the lane simply because they’ve forgotten that they’re not supposed to stand in the lane.

If you call such a player for a three seconds violation, all you’ve done is embarrass him or her.  The violation had no effect on the game – the violator’s team got no advantage whatsoever.  Calling a three seconds violation in that situation has about as much effect on the game as a player’s mismatched socks or bad haircut.

By the way, the first thing that the referee who taught my training class said was, “Calling three seconds is the sign of a weak referee!”  He knew that the parents who yell “Three seconds!” aren’t worried about the opponents getting an advantage – they are simply trying to goad the referee into doing something that helps their child’s team.  

And he knew that a referee who focuses his or her attention on three seconds violations is probably missing other violations or fouls that have a much greater impact on the outcome of the game.

Of course, if a kid camps out in the lane long enough, you do have to call a three seconds violation eventually.  You hope that calling it one time is sufficient to make the point. 

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It’s bad enough that parents and coaches in low-level games are so consumed with winning that they will verbally goose the refs in hopes of getting an edge.

What’s even more annoying is that most of those parents and coaches don’t even know what the three seconds rule says.   

Here’s an excerpt from rule 9.7.1 of the National Federation of High Schools basketball rulebook:

A player shall not remain for three seconds in . . . his/her free-throw lane . . . while the ball is in control of his/her team in his/her frontcourt.

The key phrase here is “while the ball is in control of his/her team.”  A team is in control of the ball when one of its players is holding or dribbling or passing the ball.  A team is NOT in control after a player takes a shot, or during the battle for rebounds.

Let’s say one of my teammates launches a shot and I run into the free-throw lane in hopes of grabbing the rebound if the shot is errant.  When it does miss, I grab the rebound and immediately shoot the ball at the basket.  My shot misses, but a teammate grabs that rebound and tries to put the ball in the basket.  He misses, but I grab the next rebound and take yet another shot – finally, the ball goes in.

I may have been in the lane for ten seconds, but that was legal because my team was never in control of the ball for as long as three seconds.  (There’s no team control while a shot is in flight, or the ball is bouncing on the rim.)  But you’ll hear cries of “Three seconds!” every time that happens.

When you’re a natural-born passive-aggressive type, it’s tempting to walk over to the coach or parent, give him or her a big smile, and explain the niceties of the three seconds rule in a tone of voice that is ever so polite, but also loud enough to be heard in the back row of the bleachers.

But I would never do such a thing, of course.  I simply turn the other cheek and go back to refereeing.

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(NOTE: Most of the high schools in this area don't have dressing rooms reserved for officials – referees dress in classrooms or offices.  The photos above were taken in the girls PE office where I and my partner put on our uniforms before a recent high school game.)

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“Winning Ugly” was released in 1986 on Dirty Work – which was the Rolling Stones’ 20th American studio album. 

Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were not getting along when this album was recorded.  Jagger had just released his first solo album, and Richards thought he wasn’t giving enough time and attention to the Stones.

The backup singers on Dirty Work included legendary musicians Jimmy Cliff, Don Covay, Bobby Womack, Tom Waits, and Patty Scialfa (a/k/a Mrs. Bruce Springsteen), plus actress Beverly D’Angelo (a/k/a Mrs. Clark Griswold). 

Beverley D’Angelo and Chevy Chase
in National Lampoon’s Vacation

Click here to listen to “Winning Ugly.”

Click on the link below to buy the song from Amazon:

Curren$y -- "You See It" (2011)

Courtside, a few drinks

Cussing at the referee

His officiating stinks

They don't sell alcohol at the high school basketball games that I referee.  But the players, coaches, and parents -- especially the parents -- still cuss at my partners and me, making it clear that they think our refereeing stinks.

The main purpose of this post is to give you a feel for the behind-the-scenes life of a high school basketball referee.  But first, I need to get something off my chest.

Here's what I have to say to all those parents who yell at me during my games: put a cork in it!  Seriously, parents -- up yours.  You're as clueless as I was before I took the referee course and passed the rules exam eleven years ago.  I used to sit up in the bleachers watching my kids' game and yelling "Three seconds!" and "Over the back!" and other such nonsense like I actually knew what I was talking about -- just like you do.

Only a few of the many 
refereeing signals I've mastered

Referees occasionally get a measure of revenge against the know-nothings up in the stands.  A few weeks ago, I was doing a public-school JV game.  Some father sitting in the front row was trying to get me to call three seconds on one team.  "Thousand one, thousand two, THOUSAND THREE!" he would yell at the top of his lungs -- I guess he thought he could embarrass me into making the call.  (Just the opposite, folks.)

The first words out of the mouth of the grizzled old veteran who taught my refereeing class were these:  "Calling three seconds is the sign of a weak referee!"  There are several reasons that referees don't call three seconds as often as parents think they should call three seconds (but only on their little darlings' opponents, of course) -- one being that parents have no idea what the three seconds rule actually says, and are usually calling for it when no violation has taken place.

Anyway, during a timeout, "Mr. Three Seconds" loudly pointed out that the game clock was still running.  What he apparently didn't realize is that most modern scoreboards show the time remaining in the timeout during a timeout -- not the time remaining in the quarter.

Giving a tech makes me smile, too!

Let's say there's a full (60-second) timeout with 2:45 left in the 4th quarter.  Once the referee tells the scoreboard operator that a 60-second timeout has been called, he or she will hit a button that puts 60 seconds on the clock and starts the countdown.  Once the timeout is over, the game time (here, 2:45) automatically reappears.

Confusing the game clock and the timeout clock is a rookie mistake.  When this bozo urgently shouted "The clock's running!" during that timeout -- obviously, his son's team was behind, so he wanted to conserve every second left -- I replied politely but loudly enough to be heard, "Sir, that's the timeout clock."

I could spend all day giving you examples of parents being wrong and referees being right.  But my license for shooting fish in a barrel just expired.  So instead of doing that, let's lift the curtain on my life as a ref. 

Here's the gym at Winston Churchill High School in Potomac, Maryland, one Saturday before the Churchill Bulldogs and the Walt Whitman High School Vikings clashed:

The public schools in Maryland usually have the refs change into uniform in an office usually occupied by coaches or PE teachers.  It's as if the players got dressed in the chemistry lab -- a real dressing room would work much better, but you take what you get.

It was obvious that one of the Churchill coaches was a frustrated artist or at least a wannabe art teacher.  He had pinned a number of reproductions of modern paintings up on the wall.  Here's Joan Miró's "Red Sun" (from the Phillips Collection in Washington, DC):

I'm not sure if the same coach or a different one posted this Albert Camus quote:

My experience at the Washington International School the next week (when the WIS Red Devils hosted the team from another small private school, the Sandy Spring Friends School Wildebeests) was quite a bit different.  The WIS gym is a relatively modest affair:

However, there's an actual officials' dressing room, complete with lockers, a toilet, and a shower.

Most high school showers are pretty grungy.  I don't use them often, but sometimes you just can't leave with showering -- for example, when you are meeting your hot (age-adjusted) French girlfriend après le match.  Ending up with toenails that look like something that belongs on a space alien is the price you pay for not stinking up the boudoir.

The WIS shower, by contrast, was lovely -- and it had a copious amount of really hot water and an assortment of toiletries:

I scorned the "Nivea for Men" body wash and used instead the "Victoria Secret Forever Romance" shower gel.  It went a little too heavy on the lavender -- but Frenchwomen love lavender, so that was cool.

My most recent game assignment took me to far-away Alexandria, Virginia, for a doubleheader pitting the boys' freshmen and junior varsity teams from Bishop Ireton and Bishop Denis J. O'Connell High Schools, two Roman Catholic schools from Northern Virginia.  (Both are named after former bishops of the Diocese of Richmond, Virginia, but neither school is now in that diocese.)

Ireton and O'Connell are members of the Washington Catholic Athletic Conference -- which is made up of 12 high schools (eight are coed, two are all-male, and two are all-female) located in seven different cities and counties in Maryland, Virginia, and the District of Columbia. 

The WCAC is widely considered the best basketball conference in the Washington metropolitan area -- some would say it's the best basketball conference in the country.  Three of the top five boys' teams in the Washington Post's metro-area rankings (which include about 256 high schools) are from the WCAC -- including #1 and #2.  According to the Post, three of the seven best girls' teams in the area -- including #1 and #3 -- are WCAC squads.

2012 WCAC boys basketball all-conference team

Every one of the eleven boys on the 2012 WCAC all-conference team were offered  basketball scholarships to Division I colleges.  Among the schools that offered scholarships to those players were a few that you are probably used to seeing play in the NCAA tournament: Indiana, North Carolina, Syracuse, Villanova, North Carolina State, Maryland, and Pittsburgh. 

So refereeing a WCAC junior varsity game is more of a challenge than a lot of lesser varsity games -- especially because you have to do it immediately after refereeing the freshmen game.  (WCAC freshmen aren't exactly chopped liver.)  Also, those games utilize a two-referee crew, while WCAC varsity games use a three-referee crew (like colleges and the NBA).

At Bishop Ireton, my partner and I got dressed in a coaches' office.  From the look of this sign, it was a female coaches' office.

In case you can't make out the sign, it reads as follows: "Gentlemen: Please put seat back down.  Thank you."

I'm not complaining.  The athletic director -- a swell fellow -- told us our money was no good at the concession stand, so after our games my partner and I grabbed some complimentary chow and watched the first half of the varsity contest.

Finally, here's a picture of a local middle-school gym where I recently did some county rec department games.  About ten years ago, I saw one of my daughters drop 35 or so points on a hapless opponent in this very gym.  (Her team was pressing, and the other team kept throwing the ball right into her hands, so she made a lot of layups that day.  My other daughter scored seven in the first quarter and then stopped shooting --  she was either afraid of showing up the other team, or didn't want to draw any more attention to herself.)

At the end of my games, I head for my car and reward myself with a cold beer -- the "King of Beers" hits the spot after a couple of hours of running up and down a basketball and suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune in the form of idiotic comments from players, coaches, and parents:

Curren$y is a New Orleans rapper who once recorded for Lil Wayne's Cash Money Records.  "You See It" is from his 2011 album, Weekend at Burnie's.  

Curren$y is often pigeonholed as a "weed rapper."  As a review on Allmusic said, "Curren$y raps more about getting high than most people do . . . [but] to focus on his cannabis appetite is to ignore some of the things that make him one of the more dependable working rappers" (whatever that means).

Here's "You See It":

Click here if you'd like to buy the song from Amazon.  But whether you buy it or not, just keep your opinions to yourself the next time I referee one of your kids' games.