Bloodhound Gang – "The Bad Touch" (2000)

I want you smothered

Want you covered

Like my Waffle House hash browns

As you know if you read the most recent 2 or 3 lines, I dreamed last week that we had a question about songs with the word “dog” in their titles at our last trivia contest.  That post listed ten dog songs (including “Hound Dog” by Elvis Presley and “I Wanna Be Your Dog” by the Stooges), ten songs with “cat” in their titles (like “What’s New Pussycat” by Tom Jones and “Honky Cat” by Elton John), and ten songs whose titles mentioned animals other than dogs or cats (including “White Rabbit” by Jefferson Airplane and “Free Bird” by Lynyrd Skynyrd).

Today, I’m going to give you my list of the best 25 recording artists with an animal in their name.  Here goes:

  1. Adam Ant

  2. Animals

  3. Beastie Boys

  4. Bloodhound Gang

The Bloodhound Gang

  5. Blue Öyster Cult

  6. Buffalo Springfield

  7. Byrds

  8. Country Joe and the Fish

  9. Crazy Horse

10. Danger Mouse

11. Eagles

12. Eagles of Death Metal

13. Echo & the Bunnymen

14. Great White

15. Iron Butterfly

16. Modest Mouse

17. Monkees

18. Snoop Dogg

19. Steppenwolf

20. T Rex

21. Three Dog Night

22. Toad the Wet Sprocket

23. Toadies

24. Turtles

25. Yardbirds

(You can use the comment form to the right if you think I left out anyone who deserves to be on that list . . . but I didn’t.)

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I can’t resist the opportunity to feature the Bloodhound Gang’s “The Bad Touch” whenever I can.  Like this guy, I can’t believe the lyrics:

Click here to watch the official music video for “The Bad Touch.”  (It’s been viewed over HALF A BILLION times on YouTube.)

Click here to buy “The Bad Touch” from Amazon.

Bloodhound Gang – "The Bad Touch" (1999)

I want you smothered

Want you covered

Like my Waffle House hash browns

In the last 2 or 3 lines, I introduced you to a shrewish young woman named Monique Santos, who got a lot of attention recently for a TikTok video showing her refusing to get out of the car when a man she met online had the temerity to take her to a Cheesecake Factory for their first date. 

Now that I am dipping my toe into the online dating waters, knowing which eateries are not the best choice for a first date is valuable information for me.

So I was happy to see a Facebook post from some guy calling himself “John Shaft” that included the following “List of Places Women Absolutely Refuse To Go On a First Date.”

  1.  Cheesecake Factory 

(I have to think that John Shaft’s decision to put the Cheesecake Factory at the top of his list was influenced by Monique Santos’s disdain for that restaurant.)

  2.  Applebee's

 

  3.  Chili's 

  4.  Chipotle

  5.  Olive Garden 

  6.  Movies 

  7.  Your house 

  8.  Any fast food chain

  9.  Buffalo Wild Wings 

10.  Wingstop

11.  Red Lobster 

12.  A buffet 

13.  IHOP 

14.  Denny's 

15.  The gym

16.  Church 

17.  Starbucks 

18.  Coffee dates

19.  Ice cream dates

20. Family functions 

21.  Movie night (Netflix, Hulu, and etc.)

22.  Somewhere that requires a long drive

(Especially if that long drive terminates in some deep, dark woods.)

23.  Bowling

24.  Nightclubs

25.  Hookah bar 

26.  A bar for just drinks

27.  Waffle House 

(Hey, the Waffle House was good enough for the Notorious B.I.G. and the Bloodhound Gang!)

28.  Sports events 

29.  “Mom and pop” restaurants 

30.  Food trucks  

*     *     *     *     *

I can honestly say that I’ve never even considered any of the restaurants on that list for a first date.

The same is true for bowling, the gym, church, sports events, family functions, a hookah bar – I wouldn’t even know where to find a hookah bar – or my apartment.  (I know a guy who usually suggests going to his apartment for second dates.  He has a lot of two-date relationships as a result, but also saves a lot of time.)

*     *     *     *     *

I’m not sure what’s wrong with coffee dates or the movies.  Neither is particularly imaginative, but that’s OK.  A coffee date requires a minimal expenditure of time or money for either party, which is good.  

Going to the movies is fine for guys who weren’t born with my gift of gab – they don’t have to talk much.  On the other hand, some of my dates favor the movies because I was very definitely born with the gift of gab, and going to a movie shuts me up for a couple of hours. 

I was glad to see that wineries and breweries are apparently acceptable first-date venues – I spend a lot of time at wineries and breweries, and I am looking for dates who feel the same way.

The list doesn’t mention trivia nights, which is good news for me.  I frequent trivia nights regularly – and although I rarely invite a date to join my trivia team, it’s good to know that most women are good with a date that involves playing trivia.

*     *     *     *     *

I’m going to let you in on a little secret.  Asking a women to go clothes shopping with you is a really good first-date idea.  You meet at the mall for a cup of coffee, but you don’t stop there – you head for Nordstrom’s or J. Crew and ask the woman to help you pick out some new duds.  

Women love to pick out clothes for men.  And letting them help you choose clothes means that you will never have to worry about having a date open the door and give you a look that says “You’re wearing that for our date?”

*     *     *     *     *

   

The Bloodhound Gang like their Waffle House hash browns “smothered” and “covered” – in other words, with onions and cheese.  You can also get them with ham, chili, tomatoes, jalapeño peppers, and mushrooms – “chunked,” “topped,” “diced,” “peppered,” and “capped,” respectively. 

Smothered, covered, chunked,
diced, and capped

Click here to watch the official music video for “The Bad Touch” (which was released in 1999 on the Hooray for Boobies album).  Sure, it’s tasteless and misogynistic – so what?  Loosen up, Sandy baby!

Click here to buy the record from Amazon.

 

Bloodhound Gang -- "The Bad Touch" (2000)

You and me, baby

Ain't nothin' but mammals 

So let's do it like they do

On the Discovery Channel 

Sometimes I choose the songs that are featured on 2 or 3 lines.  Other times, the songs do the choosing -- 2 or 3 lines is simply the medium that transmits the message.

Believe me, I didn't choose this song.  It chose me.  (That's my story and I'm sticking to it.)

It all started a couple of weeks ago when I saw the Washington Post obituary for  the late Tandyn Almer, who composed "Along Comes Mary," which is one of the greatest songs of the sixties.  (I think you can make a very good case that it is the greatest song of the sixties.)

Click here to read Tandyn Almer's obituary, which is one of the greatest obits I've ever read.

The original recording of "Along Comes Mary" was by the Association, but a number of other artists -- including the Bloodhound Gang -- have covered the song.  (I'm using the term "artist" very, very loosely here.)

The Bloodhound Gang's rendition of "Along Comes Mary" (not to mention 'The Bad Touch") appeared on an 1999 album titled Hooray for Boobies.  (I second that emotion, of course, but might have preferred a somewhat more tasteful title.)  

I almost forgot to mention that the Bloodhound Gang's cover of "Along Comes Mary" sort of sucks.  

(Let me revise that: it REALLY SUCKS.)

But the band makes up for it with some of their other songs -- including this one.

Here's what Allmusic says about the Bloodhound Gang:

On one hand, it's easy to hate the Bloodhound Gang.  They're vulgar, obnoxious, lunk-headed, awkward, offensive, and defiantly stupid.  On the other hand, you almost have to admire the lengths that they go to be, well, defiantly stupid.  It's not just in the words -- the music is as dumb and dopey as [the] ridiculous lyrics. This is really, really, really dumb music. 

I think Allmusic pretty much nailed it, although you could fault them for not throwing in another "really" or two.

From "The Bad Touch" music video

The music video for "The Bad Touch" was shot in Paris, of all places.  The band's members are dressed in monkey outfits in keeping with the song's chorus, which is quoted at the beginning of this post.  

The video has many, many appalling elements.  For example, there's a shot of four hot French models walking down a Left Bank street, unaware that the monkey-suited band members are lying in wait to ambush them.  As the models walk by them, the Bloodhound Gang pops up with blowguns and nails the models with tranquilizer darts, then carries off the unconscious jeunes filles to who-knows-where to do who-knows-what to them.

(Let me revise that as well:  I have a pretty good idea what they plan to do to them.)

Always a welcome sight!

You've gotta love a song with a Waffle House reference:

You've had enough of two-hand touch

You want it rough, you're out of bounds 

I want you smothered, want you covered, 

Like my Waffle House hash browns 

For those of you who have never enjoyed Waffle House hash browns, you should know that you can order them not only "smothered" (with onions) and "covered" (with cheese), but also "chunked" (with diced ham), "diced" (with tomatoes), "peppered" (with jalapeños), "capped" (with mushrooms), and "topped" (with chili).

2 or 3 lines will feature another Bloodhound Gang song in the very near future, and that will give me the opportunity to introduce you to some of the group's members and talk a little about how they got started.  (You've been warned.)

Here's the music video for "The Bad Touch" (which has had over 61 million views to date):

Click her to buy the song from Amazon: