Beach Boys – "Sail On, Sailor" (1973)

Always needing

Even bleeding

Never feeding

All my feelings

Damn the thunder

Must I blunder

There's no wonder

All I'm under

Stop the crying

And the lying

And the sighing

And my dying

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “Success has many fathers, but failure is an orphan.”

(That saying is sometimes attributed to John F. Kennedy, who said something very similar to that to a reporter after the Bay of Pigs disaster in 1961.  He was actually paraphrasing Mussolini’s son-in-law and foreign minister, Count Galeazzo Ciano, who said essentially the same thing – in Italian, of course – in 1942.)

Count Galeazzo Ciano

But when it comes to the lyrics for the Beach Boys’ “Sail On, Sailor,” it seems just the opposite is true.  The song’s lyrics are a train wreck.  (If you don’t believe me, just take a gander at the verse quoted above.)  But there’s no shortage of people claiming credit for fathering this musical child.

The liner notes for the 2000 reissue of Holland, the album that “Sail On, Sailor” was released on, stated that the song was originally written by Brian Wilson, the late Tandyn Almer (a forgotten genius whose greatest songwriting accomplishment was “Along Comes Mary”), and singer/songwriter/producer Ray Kennedy; that longtime Beach Boys collaborator Van Dyke Parks structured the song and added a “middle-eight”; and that the group’s manager, Jack Rieley, revised the lyrics at the last minute.  (All five of those men were given writing credits for the song.)

Brian Wilson later said that he wrote the music to “Sail On, Sailor,” and Kennedy wrote the lyrics.

Brian Wilson and Van Dyke Parks

But longtime Beach Boys collaborator Van Dyke Parks told a very different story.  Parks claimed that he came up with a rough version of the song, recorded it on a Walkman, and played it for Wilson.  According to Parks, 

I came up with that lyric when I was working with Brian, as well as the musical pitches those words reside on. . . . I'm glad that every one came out of their little rooms to claim co-writing credit on that song [but] I authored the words and the musical intervals to "Sail on Sailor."  

Author Peter Ames Carlin has said that the song was essentially co-written by Wilson and Parks in 1971, but that Kennedy and Almer contributed lyrics during some impromptu sessions at the house of Three Dog Night’s Danny Hutton.  

Kennedy has said that he, Wilson, and Hutton wrote “Sail On, Sailor” – which was originally intended for Three Dog Night – over the course of three days in 1970.  According to Kennedy,

We went in and cut the basic tracks with Three Dog Night; we hadn't slept in about a week.  Then Brian got up with a razor blade and cut the tapes and said, “Only Ray Kennedy or Van Dyke Parks can do this song.”  And he left.  We all stood there looking at each other going, “What?” 

I understand Kennedy’s reaction.  Right now, I’m sitting here looking at my cat and going, “What?”

Here’s “Sail On, Sailor,” which was released as a single in 1973, but did better when it was re-released in 1975:

Click below to buy the song from Amazon:

Bloodhound Gang -- "The Bad Touch" (2000)

You and me, baby

Ain't nothin' but mammals 

So let's do it like they do

On the Discovery Channel 

Sometimes I choose the songs that are featured on 2 or 3 lines.  Other times, the songs do the choosing -- 2 or 3 lines is simply the medium that transmits the message.

Believe me, I didn't choose this song.  It chose me.  (That's my story and I'm sticking to it.)

It all started a couple of weeks ago when I saw the Washington Post obituary for  the late Tandyn Almer, who composed "Along Comes Mary," which is one of the greatest songs of the sixties.  (I think you can make a very good case that it is the greatest song of the sixties.)

Click here to read Tandyn Almer's obituary, which is one of the greatest obits I've ever read.

The original recording of "Along Comes Mary" was by the Association, but a number of other artists -- including the Bloodhound Gang -- have covered the song.  (I'm using the term "artist" very, very loosely here.)

The Bloodhound Gang's rendition of "Along Comes Mary" (not to mention 'The Bad Touch") appeared on an 1999 album titled Hooray for Boobies.  (I second that emotion, of course, but might have preferred a somewhat more tasteful title.)  

I almost forgot to mention that the Bloodhound Gang's cover of "Along Comes Mary" sort of sucks.  

(Let me revise that: it REALLY SUCKS.)

But the band makes up for it with some of their other songs -- including this one.

Here's what Allmusic says about the Bloodhound Gang:

On one hand, it's easy to hate the Bloodhound Gang.  They're vulgar, obnoxious, lunk-headed, awkward, offensive, and defiantly stupid.  On the other hand, you almost have to admire the lengths that they go to be, well, defiantly stupid.  It's not just in the words -- the music is as dumb and dopey as [the] ridiculous lyrics. This is really, really, really dumb music. 

I think Allmusic pretty much nailed it, although you could fault them for not throwing in another "really" or two.

From "The Bad Touch" music video

The music video for "The Bad Touch" was shot in Paris, of all places.  The band's members are dressed in monkey outfits in keeping with the song's chorus, which is quoted at the beginning of this post.  

The video has many, many appalling elements.  For example, there's a shot of four hot French models walking down a Left Bank street, unaware that the monkey-suited band members are lying in wait to ambush them.  As the models walk by them, the Bloodhound Gang pops up with blowguns and nails the models with tranquilizer darts, then carries off the unconscious jeunes filles to who-knows-where to do who-knows-what to them.

(Let me revise that as well:  I have a pretty good idea what they plan to do to them.)

Always a welcome sight!

You've gotta love a song with a Waffle House reference:

You've had enough of two-hand touch

You want it rough, you're out of bounds 

I want you smothered, want you covered, 

Like my Waffle House hash browns 

For those of you who have never enjoyed Waffle House hash browns, you should know that you can order them not only "smothered" (with onions) and "covered" (with cheese), but also "chunked" (with diced ham), "diced" (with tomatoes), "peppered" (with jalapeños), "capped" (with mushrooms), and "topped" (with chili).

2 or 3 lines will feature another Bloodhound Gang song in the very near future, and that will give me the opportunity to introduce you to some of the group's members and talk a little about how they got started.  (You've been warned.)

Here's the music video for "The Bad Touch" (which has had over 61 million views to date):

Click her to buy the song from Amazon: