Zager and Evans -- "Mr. Turnkey" (1970)

Mr. Turnkey, 

You ain't never seen nothing like this before

Mr. Turnkey, 

I nailed my wrist to your wall

The previous 2 or 3 lines featured "In the Year 2525," which was a huge hit for Zager and Evans in 1969.  Click here if you missed it.

After that song spent six weeks at #1 on the Billboard "Hot 100," pop music fans everywhere were shivering with antici- . . . -pation as they eagerly awaited the Nebraska duo's next single.

That next single was "Mr. Turnkey," the lyrics to which leave even a compulsive blabber like me speechless.

Let's go through "Mr. Turnkey" line by line, word by word -- anything less wouldn't do justice to this appalling little ditty.

Mr. Turnkey, 
It's ten p.m. in Wichita Falls 

August 16, 1969, and I'm in some bar

Mr. Turnkey, I need a woman 
And I'm ain't getting far

I never was the kind of man a woman looked for

Why Wichita Falls?  Beats me.  Zager and Evans met when they were students at Nebraska Wesleyan  University in Lincoln, NE.  It's possible one of them hailed from Wichita Falls -- which is in Texas -- but I doubt it.

Zager and Evans

And why August 16, 1969?  That date was the beginning of the last week "In the Year 2525" was #1 on the Billboard "Hot 100," but that's a pretty weak connection.  

August 16, 1969 (which was a Saturday) was also the second day of Woodstock, which doesn't seem like a particularly likely reason for Zager and Evan to mention the date in this song. 

(Here's the lineup of performers that day: Quill, Country Joe and the Fish, Santana, John Sebastian, the Keef Hartley Band, the Incredible String Band, Canned Heat, Mountain, Grateful Dead, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Janis Joplin, Sly & the Family Stone, the Who, and the Jefferson Airplane.)  

I should probably mention that "turnkey" is an old slang term for a jailer.  I have a feeling some of younger folks out there have never heard that term.

But Mr Turnkey, she looked at me with flirting eyes

Mr. Turnkey, she was lovelier than oil rights

Mr. Turnkey, she led me on, she led me on,

She knew she wasn't going to let me love her

Most of this verse is pretty straightforward -- except for that "lovelier than oil rights" line. 

Evans and Zager

Oil is kind of a big deal in Texas, and it's not uncommon for farmers and ranchers to sell the rights to extract the oil or other minerals from their property while keeping the land itself.  Oil rights are pretty sweet, but it's very odd to compare a woman's beauty to the ownership of oil rights.

Mr. Turnkey, there's been a rape in Wichita Falls

Mr. Turnkey, I'm sitting here crying in my coveralls

Mr. Turnkey, I don't want to be the man I am

The plot thickens.  The singer goes straight from his rape of the lovely young thing who allegedly led him on to his incarceration -- he skips the arrest, trial, and conviction.

Mr. Turnkey, I'm calling from block number four

Mr. Turnkey, you ain't never seen nothing 
Like this before

Mr. Turnkey, I nailed my wrist to your wall 
I'm going home

Whoa, Nelly . . . you did what?  Nailed your wrist to the wall of your prison cell?

That grisly image may have so discombobulated you that you didn't think to ask this obvious question: "Where the hell did the prisoner get a hammer and nails?"  But 2 or 3 lines did.

Mr. Turnkey, I'm calling from block number four

Mr. Turnkey, I ain't got the strength 
To call once more

Mr. Turnkey, I'm crying, hanging here dying

Tell her I'm sorry

Are we supposed to take from this that the singer is bleeding to death from the hole in his wrist he's made by nailing it to the wall?  Would that be enough to kill you?

Click here to read about something that is definitely enough to kill you.  

Or are we to believe that the singer has done a full-scale self-crucifixion?  I hate to be a doubting Thomas, but how the hell can you do that?  Once you nail one wrist to the wall, wouldn't it be well-nigh impossible to nail the other one to the wall without help?

(I still want to know where the hell he got the hammer and nails.)

"In the Year 2525" might be the worst #1 hit single ever.  But "Mr. Turnkey" might be the worst song ever recorded PERIOD.  Not surprisingly, it did not chart in the United States.

If you don't believe me, here's "Mr. Turnkey" -- listen and decide for yourself:

So am I right, or am I right about that being the worst song ever?  (I'd love to see you top it.)

Zager and Evans -- "In the Year 2525" (1969)

In the year 2525

If man is still alive

If woman can survive

I don't mind the music of "In the Year 2525."  (The ascending key changes -- from Ab minor to A minor to Bb minor -- are a little corny, but don't really bother me.)  The arrangement is pretty good and the performance is perfectly competent. 

But "In the Year 2525" has WITHOUT A DOUBT the most ridiculous lyrics of any hit single I know.

Each of the song's eight verses begins by mentioning a year in the distant future  (2525, 3535, 4545, 5555, 6565, 7510, 8510, and 9595) and then predicting something that will happen in that year.

Here are a few sample verses, each of which is more ridiculous than the last:

In the year 4545

You ain't gonna need your teeth

Won't need your eyes

You won't find a thing to chew

Nobody's gonna look at you

(Saying that you won't need teeth because there's nothing to chew makes sense . . . sort of.  But following up "Won't need your eyes" with "Nobody's gonna look at you" doesn't make sense.  You may need eyes to look at someone else -- but you don't need eyes to be looked at by someone else.)

Zager and Evans

In the year 5555

Your arms hangin' limp

At your sides

Your legs got nothing to do

Some machine's doing that for you

(Doing what, exactly?  Walking?  Dancing?  Riding a bike?  Playing the drums?  All of the above?)

In the year 6565

Ain't gonna need no husband

Won't need no wife

You'll pick your son, pick your daughter too

From the bottom of a long glass tube

(It's all rather Brave New World-ish, isn't it?)

If you used the lyrics of this song as the inspiration for a science-fiction novel, it would be the lamest science-fiction novel ever.

But somehow, that didn't stop "In the Year 2525" from becoming the #1 song in the U.S. for six weeks in the summer of 1969.  (It was preceded by Henry Mancini's "Love Theme from Romeo and Juliet" and succeeded by the Rolling Stones' "Honky Tonk Women," which may be the two most dissimilar #1 hits in history.)

For what it's worth, "In the Year 2525" was the #1 song in the U.S. when Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the moon on July 20, 1969.  It sold over four million in the year after its release.

Rick Evans originally wrote the song in 1964.  He and his fellow Nebraskan, Denny Zager, recorded it in 1968.  The full name of the song is actually "In the Year 2525 (Exordium & Terminus)."  Exordium means beginning, and terminus means end.

Zager and Evans are perhaps the ultimate one-hit wonders.  After the huge success of "In the Year 2525," they never had another chart single.

That's not surprising, given that their follow-up to "In the Year 2525" was a single titled "Mr. Turnkey."  That song was such a stinker that I can't resist featuring it in the next 2 or 3 lines.

Today, Denny Zager is a custom guitar maker -- click here to learn about his "EZ-Play" guitars.

Here's a brief video featuring a testimonial from a satisfied Denny Zager customer:

I'm not sure how Rick Evans is earning his bread these days, but he seems to be spending a fair part of his time monitoring the Internet and correcting all the misinformation about "In the Year 2525" that's out there.

For example, one of the videos of that song that's on YouTube was posted by Zager, who slapped a graphic of the URL for his website (zagerguitars.com) on it.  Click here to see what I mean.

Rick Evans wants you and me to know that he -- not Denny Zager -- wrote "In the Year 2525":

The Zagers desecrate everything their name is associated with, especially this song.  To wit: their unauthorized logo across the bottom of this video. Their guitars?  Buy a banjo. "In the Year 2525 (Exordium & Terminus) was written exclusively, music & lyrics, and is owned by Richard (Rick) S. Evans, U.S. ©1968 with renewal ©1996.  On the video: Evans (goatee) sings lead, Zager sings a four-word harmony part.  That is all.  Copyright infringement in advertising.

So don't hold your breath waiting for a Zager and Evans reunion tour.  I don't expect there to be one until at least the year 2525.  Or when hell freezes over.  (Whichever comes first.)

Here's "In the Year 2525."  You'll never see less convincing lip-synching.

Click below to buy the song from Amazon: