Small Faces – "Tin Soldier" (1967)

I am a little tin soldier

That wants to jump into your fire

Thanks to Dunkin’ Donuts, I’m eating a lot healthier these days.

You look confused by that statement.  Let me explain.

You see, I’ve been stopping at the local Dunkin’ every Saturday morning before going to my local farmers market for some time.  (One donut a week can’t hurt you – right?)

Last year, I began to occasionally visit a Dunkin’ before going to the gym for one of my thrice-weekly workouts.  But pretty soon, I was stopping before each of those trips to the gym.

Add in the odd Dunkin’ stop with my grandkids and I was up to an average of five maple-frosted donuts per week – each accompanied by a medium coffee with cream and sugar.

I knew that couldn’t be good for my waistline.  And you know what they say – if you don’t watch your figure, no one else will either!

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Starting this week, I’m back to my once-a-week Dunkin’ stops on the way to the farmers market.

I’ve turned over that new leaf (1) because I have self-control out the wazoo, and (2) because I’m a cheap bast*rd. 

I’m a member in good standing of the “Dunkin’ Rewards” program, which entitled me to get a donut for a buck each time I purchased a medium coffee online.

But when I opened the Dunkin’ app this week before heading to the gym and entered my usual order, I noticed that it cost a lot more than I was used to paying.

It turns out that Dunkin’ has stopped offering the donut-for-a-dollar promotion to its “Dunkin’ Rewards” members.  (The second Dunkin’ Donuts customer service representative I spoke to on the phone came clean about that being a decision made at the corporate level.  The first one had blamed local store owners for the price increase – which was patently false.)  Instead of getting a donut for a buck, I was now going to be charged the regular donut price of $1.99.

Ben Affleck: another reason
to eschew donuts from Dunkin’ 

“No siree Bob!” I said to myself.  Starting this week, I am reverting to my old pattern of once-weekly Dunkin’ visits, eschewing stops at any of the multitude of Dunkin’ outlets in my neighborhood when traveling to my gym.

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Will this result in more visits to my local McDonald’s for a sausage-and-egg McMuffin and a Dr. Pepper?  That’s not only a much more satisfying meal than a donut and coffee but also costs slightly less money – which is a win-win if I ever did see one.

My McDonald’s visits may increase in frequency somewhat, but not nearly as much as the number of my Dunkin’ Donuts purchases will decrease.

My standard breakfast will now be a glass of Sunsweet light plum juice (a/k/a/ “nature’s broom.”). That’s a better choice for my waistline and for my bank account (especially given that I can now obtain that elixir at my local grocery store rather than paying twice as much for shipments from Walmart).

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Back in the day, I would have labored mightily to match this post with a record that mentioned Dunkin’ Donuts or donuts in general . . . even if that record sucked.

But nowadays 2 or 3 lines posts usually feature really good records – even if those records have little or no connection with the subject matter of those posts.  “Tin Soldier” has nothing to do with donuts, but it’s a really good record – despite being a bit of a hot mess – and that’s why I’m featuring it in today’s post.

The Small Faces were never big in the U.S., but they were highly respected and very successful in the UK – it wouldn’t be a stretch to rank them right up there with the Who.  (By coincidence, Kenny Jones replaced the great Keith Moon as the Who’s drummer after Moon died of a drug overdose.)

“Tin Soldier” was written by Steve Marriott.  After he quit the band in 1969 to join Peter Frampton in Humble Pie, the remaining Small Faces hooked up with Rod Stewart and Ronnie Wood and renamed themselves the Faces.

Click here to listen to “Tin Soldier.”

Click here to buy that recording from Amazon.

Glenn Frey – "The Allnighter" (1984)

He’s so bad, he’s so good

He makes it feel just the way it should

Nobody else can take her there

The late Glenn Frey’s second solo album – The Allnighter – included “Smuggler’s Blues,” a pretty good song that inspired a Miami Vice episode of the same name.  Frey made his acting debut in that episode, which I vividly remember watching when it aired in 1985.  (I loved Miami Vice, but I’m afraid to watch it now – I have a feeling I’d break out in douche chills if I did.)

Don Johnson and Glenn Frey on Miami Vice

The title track of The Allnighter – which I don’t think I ever heard before it popped up on the Sirius/XM “Deep Tracks” channel earlier today – is most definitely not a pretty good song.  

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“The Allnighter” – which may not have sounded all that creepy when it was first released in 1984, but certainly sounds creepy today – is about a woman who has a late-night itch that only the song’s title character is able to scratch:

She needs someone to treat her right

There’s plenty of men she could call

But she wants him most of all

“Oh God, I hope he’s home tonight!”

She needs a love from a real exciter

She needs the allnighter!

The lyrics of “The Allnighter” go from bad to worse as the song progresses:

He's the one, the one she calls

When she gets that feeling

Some nights she just can’t stop herself

He’s tough and tender, a soul bender

Ain’t no service he can’t render

He touches her like nobody else . . .

He’s the allnighter!

I assume you’ve gotten the point of the song by now, but Frey and his songwriting partner, Jack Tempchin, aren’t taking any chances:

Other guys come and go

They may try but they don’t know

Every girl needs special care

Oh, he’s so bad, he’s so good

He makes it feel just the way it should

Nobody else can take her there

He's the real thing, the pure delighter

He’s the allnighter!

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Today there would be no need for Mr. Allnighter – our heroine would simply open her bedside-table drawer, grab her vibrator, and take care of business sans homme.

No fuss, very little muss – and no need to worry that your dude’s Uber will have a flat tire . . . or that he’ll forget to bring his little blue pills . . . or that some other damsel in distress has already booked him for the evening.

Click here to listen to “The Allnighter,” which esteemed rock critic Robert Christgau called a “smarmy piece of sexist pseudosoul.”  (What he said!)

Click here to buy that recording from Amazon. 

Temptations – "Papa Was a Rolling Stone" (1972)

Papa never was much on thinking

Spent most of his time 

Chasing women and drinking

(Nice work if you can get it!)

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The last 2 or 3 lines was about a loving and responsible father who did the best he could to provide for his family.  Click here to read it.

Today’s 2 or 3 lines is about a very different kind of father.

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The titular character of today’s featured record was the biological father of his children, but had no other role in their lives – they never even met him in person.

There are a variety of terms used to describe such men.  “Birth father” or “biological father” are neutral terms for a man whose role in the lives of his children is limited to his begetting them.  “Bio-dad” and “baby daddy” are somewhat slangier terms that mean the same thing.

Perhaps the most accurate term for such men is “sperm donor.”

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The “Papa” of “Papa Was a Rolling Stone” was not only a bad father, but also a bad husband.  (Word on the streets is that he had “three outside children and another wife,” and I’m guessing he didn’t treat them any better than his other family.)

While he may not have been guilty of robbery or burglary, it appears that his store front preachin’ was a con – his “stealin’ in the name of the Lord” would likely have been considered criminal fraud.  

To be fair, it’s no crime for a man to spend most of his time chasing women and drinking.  (I know a lot of women who would like to see that changed.)

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The Undisputed Truth – who are best known for their hit single, “Smiling Faces” – were the first group to release a recording of “Papa Was a Rolling Stone.”

The Temptations’ cover of the song made it all the way to #1 on the Billboard “Hot 100” despite the fact that it was almost seven minutes long.  (The single by the Undisputed Truth was only 3:25.) 

Here’s how one reviewer described the Temptations’ record:

A towering monument out of tense hi-hats and pulsating bass and shivering strings and hard-strutting chicken-scratch guitars and panicked trumpet-blasts. And the merciless four-four stomp-clap beat predicted not just disco but house music, as well.

The Temptations also released an album version that was 12 minutes long – a little too long, if you ask me.  Their single is clearly the Goldilocks recording of the song.

Click here to listen to the single edit of “Papa Was a Rolling Stone” by the Temptations.

Click here to buy that recording from Amazon. 

Clarence Carter – "Patches" (1970)

When he tried to get up 

Life would kick him back down

The title character in today’s title song was given his nickname because his clothes were so ragged.  

While he was still alive, his father pretended that he thought the moniker was funny.  But Patches knew that his father was actually deeply hurt to hear his boy called that name because he’d done all he could to provide for his family. 

People see a desperately poor kid whose father is working himself to death on a farm trying to make enough money to support his family, and what do they do?  They taunt him with the name “Patches” because his clothes are torn and frayed.

Did they still call him “Patches” even after his father died, leaving a 13-year-old boy responsible for taking care of his mother and his siblings?  They probably did.

Hey, assh*les – f*ck you and the horses you rode in on!

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I recently stumbled across the website of a South African motivational speaker named Gavin Sharples, who had this to say about “real men”:  

Real men take care of and support their families always, in all ways. . . .

The greatest problem facing the world today are men – sorry, “males” – who do not stand by and provide for their families.  It is, in this man’s opinion, the greatest evil and the greatest sin one can commit against humanity . . . . 

There can be no excuse for a man not supporting, providing for and loving his family. 

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The father in “Patches” worked his ass off in order to support his family.  But despite his best efforts, he barely made enough to pay the bills.  

To make matters even worse, a life of poverty and backbreaking work doomed him to an early grave.  He was crying when he called Patches to his deathbed – not because he was afraid of dying, but because he felt tremendous guilt as a result of his knowledge that he was leaving his family in peril.

But the father did meet Sharples’ definition of a “real man” because he did provide for his family by leaving behind a son who was inspired by his example.  When things were most desperate, Patches heard his father’s voice urging him to do his duty – and that gave him the strength to get his family through crisis after crisis. 

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“Patches” was originally released by the Chairmen of the Board in 1970.  (The song – which won the “Best Rhythm & Blues Song” Grammy – was co-written by the group’s lead singer, General Johnson.)

Clarence Carter’s very successful cover of “Patches” made it all the way to #4 on the Billboard “Hot 100” chart, and #2 on the UK singles chart.

Click here to hear today’s featured record.

Click here to buy that recording from Amazon.