Big Joe Turner – "Shake, Rattle and Roll" (1953)

Get in that kitchen

Make some noise with the pots and pans!

I recently served as an election judge for the 2024 Maryland primary election.

I was assigned to work at Richard Montgomery High School in Rockville – which is just a hop, skip, and a jump from 2 Or 3 Lines World Headquarters.

Richard Montgomery – or “RM,” as it is often referred to – was named for Revolutionary War hero Richard Montgomery, who died on New Year’s Eve, 1775, while leading an attack on Quebec City.  (A few weeks earlier, Montgomery’s forces had captured Montreal, but Quebec City proved to be a tougher nut to crack.)

The county that RM is located in is also named for Montgomery – as are counties in 14 other states and Alabama’s capital and third-largest city.

*     *     *     *     *

Richard Montgomery High School is consistently rated as one of the top public high schools in the country – in large part because it is the home of the county’s first International Baccalaureate (“IB”) diploma program.  Click here to learn more about the very rigorous IB program.

There’s a bulletin board outside the school’s cafeteria where a wide variety of RM student organizations have posted announcements.

Not surprisingly, RM is home to a Computer Science Honor Society – here’s a somewhat outdated flyer about that organization that was on the bulletin board:

*     *     *     *     *

The school also has a Banned Book Club:

But if those books were truly banned, would RM students be allowed to hold public meetings to discuss them?

*     *     *     *     *

I’m a little surprised the school allows a Mycology Club:

Do we really want high-school students – no matter how bright they are – to be playing around with mushrooms?

*     *     *     *     *

The most curious student organization at RM is probably the Conspiracy Club:

Do you find the general appearance of that poster to be a little disturbing?  I do.

*     *     *     *     *

“Shake, Rattle and Roll” was originally recorded by Kansas City native Big Joe Turner in 1954.  Within a year, both Bill Haley and the Comets and Elvis Presley had released covers of the song.  But I think Turner’s rendition is the best.

“Shake, Rattle and Roll” has nothing to do with the subject of today’s post, but when I heard it on the Sirius/XM “Underground Garage” show today, I couldn’t resist featuring it.

Click here to view the lyrics of the song in their entirety.  (Big Joe Turner’s pimp hand was strong!)

Click here to listen to “Shake, Rattle and Roll.”

Click here to buy Big Joe Turner’s recording from Amazon.

New York Dolls – "Personality Crisis" (1973)

And you’re a prima ballerina

On a spring afternoon

Regular readers of 2 or 3 lines know me as the brains behind this wildly popular blog.

But I am also an accomplished trivia player, a prolific reader, a skilled keyboard player, a cool-headed basketball referee, a long-distance bicyclist – it’s nothing for me to ride 10 or 12 miles in a single day! – a renowned advertising and marketing attorney (now retired), and a model grandparent to no fewer than nine young grandchildren.

I’m pleased to say that we can now add one more item to that long list of accomplishments: best election judge ever!

*     *     *     *     *

The People’s Republic of Maryland recently held a very successful primary election, thanks in large part to my remarkable performance as a rookie election judge.

Serving as an election judge in my home county is a Bataan-Death-March-like ordeal.  Judges must appear at their assigned precincts at 6:00 AM (one hour before the polls officially open) and work until 9:00 PM (one hour after the polls close). 

Judges aren’t allowed to leave their polling places during their 15-hour shift – you bring your own food and hope you get a chance to gobble it down when things aren’t too busy.  

Cell phones?  Fuhgeddaboutit!  Judges are supposed to leave them at home on election day, which I did.  No chance I was going to risk incurring the wrath of the two women who served as chief judges at my precinct.  (One was an ex-Marine drill sergeant, and the other a retired prison guard.)

*     *     *     *     *

Maryland pays its election judges the princely sum of $250 a day.  That works out to $16.65 an hour – which is similar to what a Walmart greeter makes.  (I spend more than that on a typical first date – and I have a lot of first dates.)

Clearly it wasn’t the money that motivated me to serve as an election judge.  I did it to serve the cause of democracy in my de facto one-party state.  (I’m not exaggerating when I say that – the governor, US Senators, Congressman, attorney general, state senator, state representatives, and every other local and state elected official where I live are members of the same party.)

I also did it in hopes that I could turn the experience into a good 2 or 3 lines post.  (As my regular readers know, I’ve been phoning it in recently – I’m not getting a lot of help from my muse these days.)

*     *     *     *     *

Based on my experience on Tuesday, success as an election judge comes down to four things.

First, stay busy!  Don’t sit on your ass and wait to be told what to do by the chief judges.  There’s a lot of donkey work to do at an election, and you shouldn’t view any task as beneath you.  (As a rookie, I really didn’t know how to help with the various ballot-verifying and security measures.  But I could fold up chairs and tables and carry them to the storage room – you don’t need to wait for a chief judge to tell you that needs to be done.)

Second, be friendly.  Some voters are a little nervous about the whole process, but a warm smile and eagerness to be helpful usually puts them as ease.  (I think I went above and beyond mere politeness.  For example, when a mother with a couple of small children approached the voting machine I was manning, I immediately pulled up two extra chairs for the kids to sit in while mom voted.)

Third, don’t be too friendly.  Most voters just want to get the process over quickly so they get out and take care of their other business.  There’s no need to share your life story or tell them a joke – the judge’s relationship with the voter is a business one, after all.  

Finally, always act in a strictly neutral fashion.  Don’t even think about making a comment about any of the candidates!  Also, election judges in the primary election have to know which party each voter is a member of in order to give them the correct ballot.  If you are a strong partisan of one party or the other, you might be tempted to give a little wink to those who belong to your party, or give a cold shoulder to members of the enemy party.  DON’T DO IT!

Unlike most online retailers, our county’s Board of Elections doesn’t survey voters about their customer experience.  But if they did, I’m confident that I would score at least a 4.9 out of 5.0.

*     *     *     *     *

Will I serve as an election judge for the general election in November?  I’m not sure.

My dogs were barkin’ pretty loud when I was released from duty at the end of the primary – despite never leaving the confines of the school cafeteria that served as my polling place, I logged over 10,000 steps.  It was almost as hard for me to get out of bed and get going the next morning as it had been a couple of weeks ago when I rode 39.1 miles on the first day of a group bicycle trip.

On the other hand, judges who have served before get a $100 bump in pay when they serve in a subsequent election.  That would cover the cost of a second bottle of wine on a first date – and sometimes a fellow needs all the help he can get.

*     *     *     *     *

I don’t write posts about elections very often.  When I do, I usually feature Alice Cooper’s “Elected,” which is not only an appropriate accompaniment for such a post but also a great record.

But I used “Elected” in the previous 2 or 3 lines, which was also about the recent Maryland primary election.  (You can click here to read that post.)

So I’m featuring one of my favorite New York Dolls tracks instead – even though it really has nothing to do with the subject of this post.

Click here to hear “Personality Crisis.”

Click here to buy the recording from Amazon.

Alice Cooper – "Elected" (1973)

I never lied to you

I’ve always been cool

I wanna be elected!

Saying that billionaire David Trone spends money on his political campaigns like a drunken sailor is probably not fair to drunken sailors.

Trone knows drunken sailors, by the way – he and his brother Robert own Total Wine & More, which operates 250-odd liquor superstores in 28 states.  The company’s 2023 revenues exceeded $6 billion.  

Life is good when you’re a billionaire!

Trone set a record in 2016 when he spent $13 million of his own money in an unsuccessful attempt to win the Democratic primary election for Maryland’s 8th congressional district.  No one has ever spent more money to lose a race for Congress.

But Trone is no dummy.  When 2018 rolled around, he didn’t run in the 8th district again – he ran for the 6th district nomination instead.  (Trone didn’t have to change his address to run in the 6th district – members of Congress don’t have to reside in the district they represent.). Trone then outspent his Republican opponent by a 10-to-1 margin and cruised to victory in November.

Trone easily won re-election in 2020 and 2022, and probably could have held on to his congressional seat indefinitely.  But when one of Maryland’s incumbent U.S. Senators announced his intention to retire, Trone decided he was the man for the job.

That turned out to be a very expensive mistake!

*     *     *     *     *  

Despite being once bitten by his 2016 fiasco, David Trone was not twice shy.  He spent about $62 million seeking the Democratic nomination for Maryland’s open Senate seat, only to lose to Prince George’s County Executive Angela Alsobrooks.

And it wasn’t even close.  Alsobrooks beat Trone by a 53-to-43 margin.

*     *     *     *     *

I’m old enough to remember when filthy-rich businessmen like David Trone were Republicans.  But if you’re filthy rich enough, you don’t really have to worry about how high taxes and inflation are – you can afford to be a Democrat.

I’m also old enough to remember when it was the Republicans who had the advantage when it came to buying elections.  But now it’s the Democrats who have a big advantage in campaign spending.

According to Open Secrets, a nonpartisan research group, Democratic candidates for federal office in 2020 heavily outspent their Republican opponents:

Biden’s campaign became the first to raise over $1 billion from donors.  Biden’s cash advantage over Trump helped him pepper swing states with far more campaign ads.  Biden also received more help from super PACs and “dark money” groups. 

Trump’s campaign raised $774 million.  Trump raised over half of his money from small donors giving $200 or less, a stunning figure no other presidential candidate has matched. . . .

In Senate races, Democratic general election candidates raised over $1.1 billion, easily dwarfing Republicans’ $752 million.  In House races, Democrats outraised Republicans $898 million to $763 million. 

*     *     *     *     *

Pretty much every time I do a post about elections, I feature Alice Cooper’s 1973 hit, “Elected.”

Click here to view the fabulous “Elected” music video.

Click here to buy the record from Amazon.