Bloodhound Gang – "The Bad Touch" (1999)

I want you smothered

Want you covered

Like my Waffle House hash browns

In the last 2 or 3 lines, I introduced you to a shrewish young woman named Monique Santos, who got a lot of attention recently for a TikTok video showing her refusing to get out of the car when a man she met online had the temerity to take her to a Cheesecake Factory for their first date. 

Now that I am dipping my toe into the online dating waters, knowing which eateries are not the best choice for a first date is valuable information for me.

So I was happy to see a Facebook post from some guy calling himself “John Shaft” that included the following “List of Places Women Absolutely Refuse To Go On a First Date.”

  1.  Cheesecake Factory 

(I have to think that John Shaft’s decision to put the Cheesecake Factory at the top of his list was influenced by Monique Santos’s disdain for that restaurant.)

  2.  Applebee's

 

  3.  Chili's 

  4.  Chipotle

  5.  Olive Garden 

  6.  Movies 

  7.  Your house 

  8.  Any fast food chain

  9.  Buffalo Wild Wings 

10.  Wingstop

11.  Red Lobster 

12.  A buffet 

13.  IHOP 

14.  Denny's 

15.  The gym

16.  Church 

17.  Starbucks 

18.  Coffee dates

19.  Ice cream dates

20. Family functions 

21.  Movie night (Netflix, Hulu, and etc.)

22.  Somewhere that requires a long drive

(Especially if that long drive terminates in some deep, dark woods.)

23.  Bowling

24.  Nightclubs

25.  Hookah bar 

26.  A bar for just drinks

27.  Waffle House 

(Hey, the Waffle House was good enough for the Notorious B.I.G. and the Bloodhound Gang!)

28.  Sports events 

29.  “Mom and pop” restaurants 

30.  Food trucks  

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I can honestly say that I’ve never even considered any of the restaurants on that list for a first date.

The same is true for bowling, the gym, church, sports events, family functions, a hookah bar – I wouldn’t even know where to find a hookah bar – or my apartment.  (I know a guy who usually suggests going to his apartment for second dates.  He has a lot of two-date relationships as a result, but also saves a lot of time.)

*     *     *     *     *

I’m not sure what’s wrong with coffee dates or the movies.  Neither is particularly imaginative, but that’s OK.  A coffee date requires a minimal expenditure of time or money for either party, which is good.  

Going to the movies is fine for guys who weren’t born with my gift of gab – they don’t have to talk much.  On the other hand, some of my dates favor the movies because I was very definitely born with the gift of gab, and going to a movie shuts me up for a couple of hours. 

I was glad to see that wineries and breweries are apparently acceptable first-date venues – I spend a lot of time at wineries and breweries, and I am looking for dates who feel the same way.

The list doesn’t mention trivia nights, which is good news for me.  I frequent trivia nights regularly – and although I rarely invite a date to join my trivia team, it’s good to know that most women are good with a date that involves playing trivia.

*     *     *     *     *

I’m going to let you in on a little secret.  Asking a women to go clothes shopping with you is a really good first-date idea.  You meet at the mall for a cup of coffee, but you don’t stop there – you head for Nordstrom’s or J. Crew and ask the woman to help you pick out some new duds.  

Women love to pick out clothes for men.  And letting them help you choose clothes means that you will never have to worry about having a date open the door and give you a look that says “You’re wearing that for our date?”

*     *     *     *     *

   

The Bloodhound Gang like their Waffle House hash browns “smothered” and “covered” – in other words, with onions and cheese.  You can also get them with ham, chili, tomatoes, jalapeño peppers, and mushrooms – “chunked,” “topped,” “diced,” “peppered,” and “capped,” respectively. 

Smothered, covered, chunked,
diced, and capped

Click here to watch the official music video for “The Bad Touch” (which was released in 1999 on the Hooray for Boobies album).  Sure, it’s tasteless and misogynistic – so what?  Loosen up, Sandy baby!

Click here to buy the record from Amazon.