Bob Dylan – "Maggie's Farm" (1965)

She’s 68

But she says she’s 54

The road to online dating success is fraught with potholes and speed bumps — which Brits call “sleeping policemen,” by the way.  That’s especially true for older singles.

Let’s be honest –  most of you are pretty much p**ping the bed when it comes to finding quality dates on your own.  2 or 3 lines wants to help you find the man or woman of your dreams – to that end, we’re planning a series of posts designed to give you a leg up when it comes to online dating.

2 or 3 lines recently interviewed “Jane” – une femme d’un certain âge (and then some) – about her dating experiences. We think you’ll find what she had to say to say to be very interesting.

*     *     *     *     * 

2 or 3 lines:  Jane, thank you for agreeing to be interviewed for 2 or 3 lines.

Jane:  My pleasure.  

2 or 3 lines:  I understand you’ve been pretty successful when it comes to attracting dates.  What advice do you have for our female readers?

Jane: Well, of course you’ve got to lie about your age if you’re a woman.  I’m guessing that most of your female readers who are on an online dating website are probably doing that already.

2 or 3 lines: Really?  You think most women lie about their age in their online dating profile?

Jane: Absolutely.  We really have no choice if we want to date men who are near our age.  That’s because men have this thing about dating younger women.  It doesn’t matter if a guy is short, bald, and has a big belly – he still thinks he’s entitled to date younger women.

2 or 3lines:  It’s interesting you say that because I have a single friend who is over 70 but says he is only attracted to women who are 45 or younger.  He’s a smart, good-looking guy with plenty of money, but he says he has a lot of trouble finding women who are interested in him. 

Jane:  OF COURSE he does!  And I have some news for you – the younger women he does attract don’t care that he’s smart and good-looking.  If there are interested in him, it’s because he has plenty of money.  

2 or 3 lines:  Can I ask you the difference between your real age and the age that’s on your dating profile?

Jane: I’m six years older than what I claim to be.  Almost seven, actually – I’ve got a birthday coming up.

2 or 3 lines:  Has a man ever figured out you were lying about your age?

Jane:  No, because I always tell them my actual age on our second date.

2 or 3 lines:  Really?  Why is that?

Jane:  Think about it.  You only have a second date if the first date went reasonably well – so it’s usually safe to reveal your actual age on the second date.  But if you wait much longer, the guy’s going to feel like he’s been suckered – so you’ve got to come clean relatively quickly.  

2 or 3 lines:  That does make sense, I guess.  

Jane:  By the way, I didn’t come up with that approach myself – it was suggested to me by some male colleagues.

2 or 3 lines:  So men suggested that strategy?

Jane:  Yes.  It’s not surprising that they advised me to lie – after all, men don’t shy away from lying if that’s what it takes to get a woman.  But men also know that eventually the truth is going to come out when they lie – so the smart ones will have a plan for dealing with that when it happens.  They come up with a strategy for minimizing the consequences of the lie.

2 or 3 lines:  I think you’re probably right. Wow.

Jane:  By the way, men lie about their ages, too. Also their height.  How tall are you, by the way?

2 or 3 lines:  I’m almost six-two.

Jane:  That’s excellent.  I love tall men.

2 or 3 lines: Do you think that’s true of women generally?

Jane:  Absolutely – I’ve never met a woman who doesn’t want a man who’s taller than she is.  

2 or 3 lines:  Jane, this conversation has been quite enlightening.  Thanks for your time.

Jane:  You’re very welcome, mister almost-six-two.  Now that we’re finished with the interview, how about we go get a drink?

*     *     *     *     *

“Maggie’s Farm” was released in 1965 on Bob Dylan’s fifth studio album, Bringing It All Back Home.

“Jane” isn’t the only woman I’ve met online who hasn’t been entirely honest about her age, but I haven’t met any woman other than Maggie who has been ballsy enough to claim she’s 54 when she’s really 68.

Click here to listen to “Maggie’s Farm.”

Click here to buy the record from Amazon.

Bloodhound Gang – "The Bad Touch" (1999)

I want you smothered

Want you covered

Like my Waffle House hash browns

In the last 2 or 3 lines, I introduced you to a shrewish young woman named Monique Santos, who got a lot of attention recently for a TikTok video showing her refusing to get out of the car when a man she met online had the temerity to take her to a Cheesecake Factory for their first date. 

Now that I am dipping my toe into the online dating waters, knowing which eateries are not the best choice for a first date is valuable information for me.

So I was happy to see a Facebook post from some guy calling himself “John Shaft” that included the following “List of Places Women Absolutely Refuse To Go On a First Date.”

  1.  Cheesecake Factory 

(I have to think that John Shaft’s decision to put the Cheesecake Factory at the top of his list was influenced by Monique Santos’s disdain for that restaurant.)

  2.  Applebee's

 

  3.  Chili's 

  4.  Chipotle

  5.  Olive Garden 

  6.  Movies 

  7.  Your house 

  8.  Any fast food chain

  9.  Buffalo Wild Wings 

10.  Wingstop

11.  Red Lobster 

12.  A buffet 

13.  IHOP 

14.  Denny's 

15.  The gym

16.  Church 

17.  Starbucks 

18.  Coffee dates

19.  Ice cream dates

20. Family functions 

21.  Movie night (Netflix, Hulu, and etc.)

22.  Somewhere that requires a long drive

(Especially if that long drive terminates in some deep, dark woods.)

23.  Bowling

24.  Nightclubs

25.  Hookah bar 

26.  A bar for just drinks

27.  Waffle House 

(Hey, the Waffle House was good enough for the Notorious B.I.G. and the Bloodhound Gang!)

28.  Sports events 

29.  “Mom and pop” restaurants 

30.  Food trucks  

*     *     *     *     *

I can honestly say that I’ve never even considered any of the restaurants on that list for a first date.

The same is true for bowling, the gym, church, sports events, family functions, a hookah bar – I wouldn’t even know where to find a hookah bar – or my apartment.  (I know a guy who usually suggests going to his apartment for second dates.  He has a lot of two-date relationships as a result, but also saves a lot of time.)

*     *     *     *     *

I’m not sure what’s wrong with coffee dates or the movies.  Neither is particularly imaginative, but that’s OK.  A coffee date requires a minimal expenditure of time or money for either party, which is good.  

Going to the movies is fine for guys who weren’t born with my gift of gab – they don’t have to talk much.  On the other hand, some of my dates favor the movies because I was very definitely born with the gift of gab, and going to a movie shuts me up for a couple of hours. 

I was glad to see that wineries and breweries are apparently acceptable first-date venues – I spend a lot of time at wineries and breweries, and I am looking for dates who feel the same way.

The list doesn’t mention trivia nights, which is good news for me.  I frequent trivia nights regularly – and although I rarely invite a date to join my trivia team, it’s good to know that most women are good with a date that involves playing trivia.

*     *     *     *     *

I’m going to let you in on a little secret.  Asking a women to go clothes shopping with you is a really good first-date idea.  You meet at the mall for a cup of coffee, but you don’t stop there – you head for Nordstrom’s or J. Crew and ask the woman to help you pick out some new duds.  

Women love to pick out clothes for men.  And letting them help you choose clothes means that you will never have to worry about having a date open the door and give you a look that says “You’re wearing that for our date?”

*     *     *     *     *

   

The Bloodhound Gang like their Waffle House hash browns “smothered” and “covered” – in other words, with onions and cheese.  You can also get them with ham, chili, tomatoes, jalapeño peppers, and mushrooms – “chunked,” “topped,” “diced,” “peppered,” and “capped,” respectively. 

Smothered, covered, chunked,
diced, and capped

Click here to watch the official music video for “The Bad Touch” (which was released in 1999 on the Hooray for Boobies album).  Sure, it’s tasteless and misogynistic – so what?  Loosen up, Sandy baby!

Click here to buy the record from Amazon.

 

Drake – "Child's Play" (2016)

Why you gotta fight with me at Cheesecake?

You know I love to go there!

Monique Santos is not a fan of Cheesecake Factory restaurants.

“Who the hell is Monique Santos?” I hear you saying to your significant other – or perhaps to your dog – as you read this post. “Why should I give a sh*t that she’s not a fan of Cheesecake Factory?”

To answer your first question, Monique Santos is some random woman who is seen in a recent TikTok video refusing to get out of the car when a prospective beau takes her to Cheesecake Factory for their first date.  Apparently that restaurant doesn’t meet Monique’s very high standards. 

Monique Santos

To answer your second question, you should you give a sh*t about Monique Santos’s opinion of Cheesecake Factory because she is a yuuuuge star as a result of this video (which has been viewed about ten zillion times).  All the cool kids are talking about her, dontcha know.

*     *     *     *     *

I’m guessing my late father had very little in common with Monique Santos, but he did share her distaste for the Cheesecake Factory.

That distaste was manifested about 20 years ago, when my wife and kids and I travelled to Kansas City for our annual holiday get-together with my parents and sister.  

One night, we decided to go to a Cheesecake Factory restaurant for dinner.  For some reason, my father was in a foul mood that evening.  (The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.). He flipped through the menu with a disdainful expression on his face, then announced, “There’s nothin’ here I want to eat.”

A Cheesecake Factory restaurant

The Cheesecake Factory menu is 20-plus pages long, and has over 250 items.  It has salads, sandwiches, hamburgers, steaks, seafood, pastas, pizzas, omelets . . . in other words, it has EVERYTHING.  

My father was a somewhat picky eater, but his pronouncement had everything to do with his p*ssy mood and nothing to do with the items listed on the Cheesecake Factory menu.

*     *     *     *     *

Drake is a really big deal.

He has sold more digital singles in the United States than any other recording artist.  

He has won five Grammy Awards, six American Music Awards, a record 34 Billboard Music Awards.  

Drake

Drake has 13 number-one hits on the Billboard “Hot 100,” and has had the most “Hot 100” top ten singles (76) and the highest total number of records to chart on the “Hot 100” (321).  He is also the artist who has had the most number-one singles on the “Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Songs” and “Hot Rap Songs” charts.

As today’s featured song notes, Drake likes the Cheesecake Factory.  You’d best believe that if Drake took Monique Santos to the Cheesecake Factory, she wouldn’t refuse to get out of the car because it wasn’t good enough for her. 

Click here to listen to “Child’s Play,” which was released in 2016 on Drake’s fourth studio album, Views.

Click here to buy the record from Amazon.

Janis Joplin – "Trust Me" (1971)

The older the grape

The sweeter the wine

[NOTE: It’s become a tradition for me to celebrate each 2 or 3 lines anniversary by interviewing myself.  Here’s part four of this year’s  four-part anniversary interview.]

Q:  There’s a rumor going around that you’re being considered to star in the second season of ABC-TV’s The Golden Bachelor show.  Is there any truth to that rumor?

A:  You’ll have to ask the network that question.

Q:  Have you been watching the show?

A:  I’ve watched every episode – despite the fact that it is so full of sh*t that it’s eyes are brown.

Q:  Why do you say that?

A:  They call The Golden Bachelor reality television, but they should call it unreality television.  They put people in an utterly artificial situation, film everything they do – which ensures that everyone is acting unnaturally at all times – and then edit the hell out of that footage so that the audience sees only a small part of what really happens.  The result is as phony as a three-dollar bill.  

Q:  What do you think of Gerry – a/k/a “The Golden Bachelor”?

A:  In the first place, he’s not a bachelor.  A bachelor is a male who’s never been married.  Gerry has been married.  His wife died, so he’s a widower – not a bachelor.

Q:  Thank you, Mr. Webster.

A:  You’re welcome, Mr. Wiseass.  To answer your question, I think Gerry is a good-looking guy, and he doesn’t appear to be an assh*le – which gives him a leg up on most men.  But he has a room-temperature IQ and zero personality.  If the women on the show had met him on a dating website, I think most of them would have said “Thanks, but no thanks” after about two dates.  

Q:  You think so?  Most of them seem very taken with him.  

A:  Most of them seem to believe they’ve fallen in love with him, despite the fact that they barely know him – which is just insane.

*     *     *     *     *

Q:  I assume you saw the episode where Gerry visited each of the three finalists in their hometowns and met their kids and grandkids.  During those visits – which took place on three successive days – all three of them told him that they were in love with him.

A:  And he told all three of them that he was in love with them, too.  All in the space of three days!  

Q:  And you don’t believe that was true.

A:  Of course it’s not true.  But he said it to all three of them, and now he is well and truly f*cked – he has dug himself a huge hole, and he has no idea how to get out of it.

Q:  He seemed to find it excruciating when he had to choose between those last three women.  Do you think he was really as distraught as he appeared to be when he sent Faith home, or was he just crying crocodile tears?

Don't go away mad, Faith –
just go away!

A:  I think Gerry’s a decent guy, and that he takes no pleasure in rejecting women – especially at this point of the show, when all the women are telling him that they are in love with him, which understandably makes him think that they are going to be heartbroken if they don’t get a rose.  Because even though Gerry and these women don’t really have a deep attachment to one another, the experience of being on the show has persuaded them that they’re falling in love.  So when he rejects one of the women, it cuts her to the quick – or at least it feels like it does at the moment.  And he feels very guilty when he’s forced to do that by the format of the show.

*     *     *     *     *

Q:  You seem to think that you know exactly what Gerry is thinking.  Is it possible that there’s a little transference at work here?  Are you attributing your feelings to him? 

A:  That’s certainly possible.  I’m sure that I would feel just as guilty as he does when he has to say sayonara to one of the women on the show.  After all, I find it difficult to tell someone I’ve met on a dating site that I don’t want to continue dating her . . .  even if we’ve only gone out two or three times.  

Q:  If that’s the case, I can only imagine how guilty you felt when you left your wife.

A:  Being rejected after 40 years of marriage is infinitely worse than being rejected after a few weeks on The Golden Bachelor.  I do believe Gerry’s guilt is real – but in contrast to my situation, I think that he and the women he dismisses will get over it pretty quickly.  But right now, he seems pretty overwhelmed by his situation.  Part of that is his guilt at being forced to reject women week after week, but I also think there’s something else going on here.

Q:  And what is that?

A:  Being on this show was a lot of fun for him when he had this big harem of adoring women to hang out with.  But as the field narrowed, I think Gerry began to have major doubts about the wisdom of his choices.  I look at the two finalists, and neither one of them seems like a good match for him.  I suspect he would love to have a do-over so he could make some different choices.

Caught between a rock
and a hard place

Q:  I agree that I find it a little surprising that he’s ended up with Leslie and Theresa.  

A:  I think one of two things happened.  My first theory is that in the second or third week of the show – when he had to go from 16 contestants to 13, and then from 13 to 10 – he lost track of how many roses he had left to give out.  He was going down his list, handing out roses to the women he liked, and then suddenly realized he was down to his last rose when there were two women left that he wanted to keep around.  What could he do?  He couldn’t tell the producers of the show that they needed to stop taping and take it again from the top – he was stuck.

Q:  That theory seems a little far-fetched.  What’s your other scenario?

A:  I think he may have gotten some of the contestants mixed up.  There were a lot of blondes on the show – Jeanie, Peggy, Christina, Edith, Nancy, and so on – that I had trouble keeping straight.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he got some of the names mixed up.

Q:  You’re not being serious, are you?

A:  I would challenge you to come up with a better explanation for how Gerry ended up keeping Susan and Sandra around so long, and then dumped Faith – who seemed like a pretty good match for him – and went with Leslie and Theresa as his two final choices.  

Q:  So you don’t see Gerry living happily ever after with Leslie or Theresa?

A:  Oh please.  I don’t see Gerry lasting a month with either one of them.

Q:  Final question.  Is there a part of you that’s envious of The Golden Bachelor?  Do you wish you were living Gerry’s life?

A:  Actually, I am living Gerry’s life.  Just not all at once.  And not on television.

*     *     *     *     *

Q:  Tell us about today’s featured song – which was released on the Pearl album three months after Janis Joplin’s death.  

A:  Well, I would say that it’s pretty obvious from the lyrics quoted at the beginning of this post that the guy who wrote the song didn’t know very much about wine.

Q:  Those lyrics aren’t intended to be taken literally, of course.  The songwriter was speaking metaphorically to make the point that you might be making a mistake if you pick a younger romantic partner instead of a more mature one.

A:  I think older women are great.  I have a friend who tells me that he thinks I’m lucky because I’m attracted to women my own age – he’s only interested in much younger women, and very few of them are interested in him.  I think he’s crazy – if your choice is between older women and no women, there’s no doubt which option I’m choosing.

Click here to listen to “Trust Me.”

Click here to buy the record from Amazon.

Leon Russell and the Shelter People – "Stranger in a Strange Land" (1971)

He’s a stranger in a strange land

Just a stranger in a strange land

[NOTE: It’s become traditional for me to celebrate the birthdays of my wildly popular little blog by interviewing myself.  In the last 2 or 3 lines, I told you that I had decided to divide up this year’s anniversary interview into three installments – but that was a lie.  This year’s interview is actually going to have four parts, not three.  Today, we’re presenting part three.  Part four will follow forthwith – or if not forthwith, in a few days.]

*     *     *     *     *

Q:  I think we’ve teased our readers long enough.  It’s time to spill the beans about the very significant change in your life that took place about a year ago.

A:  I agree.  Sadly, my wife of 40-plus years and I separated last November.  I’ve been living in an apartment since then.

Q:  Do you say “sadly” because you didn’t want the separation to happen?

A:  I say “sadly” because I regret that things got to the point where I felt that a separation was the best course of action.

Q:  So it was entirely your decision?

A:  Yes, it was.  My wife disagreed with my decision at the time, and she still does.  I have a lot of guilt about making her so unhappy, but I felt like I had to do what I did. 

Q:  So tell us why –

A:  I’m going to stop you there.  I’ve said about all that I feel comfortable saying about my separation for now.  

Q:  I’m sure it was very painful, and I understand your reluctance to divulge all the details.  But your readers aren’t going to be happy if you don’t give them anything more.

A:  Maybe I’ll have more to say in the future, but not right now.  It took me almost a year to admit even this much.  I’ve shared more with my kids and a few close friends, but I’m not sure anyone else has a need to know at this point.

Q:  Is it true that you signed up with a couple of dating websites after your separation?

A:  It is.

Q:  Tell us about your experiences so far – any good stories to tell?

A:  Yes, but I don’t think I’m going to share any of them here.

Q:  Geez, this interview is sooooo boring!

A:  Whatever.

*     *     *     *     *

Well, that was pretty disappointing.  Hopefully, 2 or 3 lines will be a little more forthcoming in the next installment of our interview, when we’ll ask him about the rumor going around that he’s been approached to star in the second season of The Golden Bachelor reality TV show.

In the meantime, you can click here to listen to today’s featured record.  

Click here to buy that record from Amazon.

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers – "Into the Great Wide Open" (1991)

Out in the great wide open

A rebel without a clue

[NOTE: In the last 2 or 3 lines, I celebrated the 14th birthday of my wildly popular little blog by interviewing myself.  I always have a lot to say, and that goes double when I’m both the interviewer and the interviewee.  Actually, it goes triple – which is why I’ve divided up this year’s anniversary interview into three installments.  Here’s part two of that three-part interview.]

Q:  I think “rebel without a clue” is a pretty good description of 2 or 3 lines, so today’s featured song seems very à propos.  

A:  You think I’m a “rebel without a clue”?  Hardly.  I do like to think of myself as a rebel, but I mos’ definitely have a clue.  At least about some things.

Q:  I think we should just agree to disagree about that and move on.  

A:  Fine with me.

Q:  For the better part of the last year, you’ve been dropping hints about a rather dramatic change in your life.  I understand you’re prepared to quit beating around the bush today and come out with the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth about that.

A:  That’s correct.  It’s something I really should have gotten off my chest months ago.

Q:  Better late than never, as they say.  But before we get into that, I want to ask you about this photo:

A:  That’s a picture of the interior of my car.  I assume you’re going to ask about the record that was playing on my Sirius/XM radio when the photo was taken, which was Otis Redding’s “Love Man”?  It’s a great record – I should feature it in a 2 or 3 lines post.

Q:  Actually, I was going to ask about the handicapped hangtag that you’re displaying.

A:  What about it?

Q:  Why do you have a handicapped hangtag?  Did you have an accident of some kind?

A:  I’ve written about how I started experiencing some numbness and muscle weakness from a herniated back disc a couple of years ago.  I’ve had two surgeries intended to fix that problem.  Unfortunately, those operations didn’t really help.  I still have numbness in my left leg and foot, and my left calf muscle is quite a bit weaker than my right one – which affects my walking.  So the last time I saw my surgeon, he asked if I would find it helpful to have a handicapped hangtag for my car.

Q:  He obviously felt that your issues were severe enough to justify that.

A;  Yes, he did.  I felt a little guilty at first – I can still walk reasonably well, and I don’t really think of myself as handicapped.  But there are instances where being able to park in a handicapped space makes a real difference for me.

Q:  For example?

A:  Well, let’s say I’m at a mall or a big-box store and have to park far away from the entrance.  If I purchase something bulky or heavy, it’s something of a struggle for me to carry it to my car – especially in bad weather.

Q:  I can see how that would be a problem.  So you only use it in those circumstances?  

A:  Pretty much.

Q:  I’m curious about this photo:

Q:  It looks like you’ve parked in a handicapped spot right next to the door to this restaurant – even though there is a regular space right next to the handicapped space.

A:  Yes.  I’ve always been a very unselfish guy, as that photo indicates.

Q:  Excuse me?  You’re saying that parking in the handicapped spot at that restaurant was unselfish?  I’m not sure I follow you.

A:  Let’s say I had parked in the regular parking space, and a non-handicapped driver arrived after I did.  It wouldn’t be permissible for him to park in the handicapped spot, so he wouldn’t have any place to park.  By parking in the handicapped space, I left the regular space open for his use.

Q:  I see.  How very noble of you.

A:  “Noble” is a bit strong, but I do try to do unto others, etc.

Q:  I note that you had your bicycle on your car in that photo.  Do you have any qualms about parking in a handicapped space when you’re healthy enough be taking bike rides?

A:  How do you know that’s my bike?  Maybe it’s one of my kids’ bikes, and I’m transporting it for them.

Q:  That would certainly be different.  So is that one of your kids’ bikes in that photo?

A:  Did I say it was?

Q:  If it’s not, I’ll repeat my original question: you don’t have any qualms about parking in a handicapped space and then taking a bike ride?

A:  Look, my doctor signed off on the application for the handicapped hangtag.  And my state’s DMV decided it was appropriate for me to be issued that hangtag.  I’m not sure what qualifies you to question the decisions of my neurosurgeon and a state agency – it’s really none of your effing business, is it?

Q:  I suppose it’s not.  Anyway, we’re out of time today and we still haven’t gotten around to discussing how your life has changed dramatically in the last year.  Can we dive right into that topic next time?

A:  Yes, we can.  I waited almost a year to reveal that to my loyal readers, so I guess I can wait a few more days.

*     *     *     *     *

Tom Petty wasn’t the first songwriter to use the line “rebel without a clue” in a song.

Jim Steinman – who produced Meat Loaf’s hugely popular Bat Out of Hell album – wrote a song titled “Rebel Without a Clue” for Bonnie Tyler, who recorded it in 1986.  That song title was presumably inspired by the iconic 1955 movie, Rebel Without a Cause, which starred James Dean as an unhappy teenager:

But Petty likely “borrowed” the line from the Replacements’ song, “I’ll Be You”:

A dream too tired to come true

Left a rebel without a clue

And I’m searching for something to do

The Replacements toured with Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers in 1989.  According to Songfacts,

[Petty] took a liking to (Replacements frontman Paul] Westerberg and even gave the younger musician the hat he wore in the video for “I Won't Back Down.”  Westerberg showed his appreciation by selling the hat for drugs, answering Petty's good intentions with disdain.  He and the rest of the Replacements perceived the Heartbreakers’ professionalism as repetitive, formulaic, and boring.  They insulted the audience and sometimes Petty and the Heartbreakers themselves while performing, trying to get kicked off the tour completely. 

Petty never took the bait. He kept the band on until the end, and afterwards joked about the whole thing being an interesting experience.

“Into the Great Wide Open” – which was released in 1991 – was the title track of Petty’s eighth studio album.  The music video for “Into the Great Wide Open” stars Johnny Depp and Faye Dunaway (among others).  

 

Click here to watch that music video, which is pretty brilliant – as is the song, which was co-written by Petty and Jeff Lynne.

Click here to buy “Into the Great Wide Open” from Amazon.