"Bye Bye Birdie" Film Soundtrack – "Kids" (1963)

Kids!

I don't know what's wrong

With these kids today!

Alexandre Dumas had it right when he wrote, “Cherchez la femme!”

The phrase – which translates to “Look for the woman!” – became a cliche in crime fiction.  When a murder was committed in an old-school mystery novel, it was a safe assumption that a woman was somehow responsible for it.

If the woman didn’t commit the murder herself, she usually was the reason for the crime.  Perhaps she manipulated the murderer into doing the deed on her behalf.  Or perhaps the murderer was a jealous husband or boyfriend seeking revenge after being rejected by her. 

So cherchez la femme when there’s a murder to be solved, and you will usually be able to solve it. 

*     *     *     *     *

So there I was . . . zooming along on my bike on the Cape Cod Rail Trail in Yarmouth . . . minding my own business . . . when I saw four tweens on bikes approaching me from the other direction.

I keep my eyes wide open when I’m on a busy bike trail.  The biggest hazards are people walking dogs on long leashes, and little kids on bikes that wander across the center line into oncoming traffic.

Because I watch everyone on the trail, I wasn’t taken unaware when the four tweens yelled at me loudly as they passed me – I saw them open their mouths as we were about to pass each other.  

Good thing I was paying attention to them – if I had been daydreaming, the unexpected screams could have startled me and caused me to veer off the trail into a tree.

Which was exactly what the tweens were hoping would happen, of course.

*     *     *     *     *

I had planned to ride a couple of more miles to the east before turning around and returning to my car.  But after ruminating on what had happened, I decided to turn around at the next intersection and go in hot pursuit of the four brats.  

I figured that I was a much faster rider than they were, and that it wouldn’t take me long to run them down.

I was right.  After a minute or two, I had the perpetrators in sight.  You’d best believe they were not expecting to see me when I pulled up next to them, ordered them to stop – which they did – and began to berate them (loudly) for trying to make me have an accident.

The group consisted of three boys and one girl.  The biggest of the boys quickly denied any evil intent, although he had nothing to say when I asked him why he and his pals yelled at me.

I pulled out my phone and told the lead rider – a dweebish, slack-jawed lad – that I was going to send his picture to the authorities.

As I turned to photograph the other three, the girl told her partners-in-crime to cover their faces, which they did:

Cherchez la femme!

*     *     *     *     *

Of course the girl was the ringleader.  Cherchez la femme, after all.  

“You can’t take our picture!” she shouted as she covered up.  “It’s illegal!”

“No, it’s not!” I replied.  “I know because I’m a lawyer!”  (Not a very snappy comeback, I admit.)

As she tried to pedal away, I caught up and rode next to her so I could continue our discussion.

“Stop following me!” she yelled. “I’ll call the police!”

“Please do!” I answered. “We can have a little chat with them together!”

I was bluffing, of course.  I knew I was 100% in the right – it was absolutely clear what these little whippersnappers were up to – but I didn’t really want to get into it with a manipulative 13-year-old girl in front of the po-po.  All she would have to do was start crying and claim I had touched her, and I could have found myself telling it to the judge.

*     *     *     *     *

Here’s a postscript to this tale.

Two days later, I was riding the same stretch of the rail trail when I saw that little b**** and the big lug who had almost wet his pants when I initially confronted them.

She gave me the evil eye and loudly ordered me to go away – she wasn’t a bit afraid of me.

I played it cool, and simply smiled and waved at her I rode by.  (Guess I showed her, huh?)

*     *     *     *     *  

“Kids” is one of the most memorable songs from Bye Bye Birdie, a very successful Broadway musical that opened in 1960 and was made into a movie a few years later.

The original Broadway cast of Bye Bye Birdie included Dick Van Dyke as the male lead, Albert Peterson.  When Van Dyke had to take two weeks off to film the pilot episode of his eponymous CBS television sitcom, he was temporarily replaced by Charles Nelson Reilly, who I remember mostly from his years as a panelist on The Match Game.  (Charles Nelson Reilly and Brett Somers cracking wise on The Match Game – that was some must-see television!)

Charles Nelson Reilly, Brett
Somers, and Gene Rayburn

Speaking of The Match Game, the show’s host – Gene Rayburn – took over the Albert Peterson role on Broadway when Van Dyke left the production about a year after the show opened.

The original Broadway cast also included Paul Lynde, who sat in the center square on The Hollywood Squares for 13 years.  The host of The Hollywood Squares, Peter Marshall played Albert Peterson in the London production of Bye Bye Birdie.

Small world, eh?

Click here to listen to the movie soundtrack recording of “Kids.”

Click below to buy that recording from Amazon:

Paul Lynde and Marijane Maricle – "Kids" (1960)

Kids!

I don’t know what’s wrong with these kids today!

I recently saw this headline on the business news website, Business Insider:

The story went on to offer a surprising explanation for stagnating sales at Hooters restaurants:

Millennials are less interested in breasts than their elders.

People from the age of 18 to 24 are 19% less likely to search for breasts on pornographic website Pornhub compared to all other age groups, according to an analysis conducted by the website.

Nice wings!

For comparison, Pornhub visitors from the ages of 55 to 64 are 17% more likely to search for breast-related content. . . . 

For “breastaurants” like Hooters, a loss of interest in breasts is bad for business.  The number of Hooters locations in the US has dropped by more than 7% from 2012 to 2016, and sales have stagnated, according to industry reports.

You can click here to read the complete Pornhub analysis of breast-related searches on that website.  

Here are the states that are the most interested and least interested in breasts:

Despite the relative lack of interest in breasts among millennials, it does appear that American males as a whole are still pretty obsessed with boobs.  According to Pornhub, the United States is #5 in per capita breast-related searches.  

The only four countries whose residents are more likely to do such searches are (in reverse order of ranking) the UK, Canada, Finland, and . . . coming in at #1 . . . Nigeria.  (Really?)

The five countries that generate the least number of breast-related searches relative to their populations are all in South America: Chile, Argentina, Brazil, Colombia, and Peru.

So just what are South Americans searching for on Pornhub?

*     *     *     *     *

Adding to Hooters’ woes is a new rival breastaurant called Twin Peaks.

Twin Peaks is trying to out-Hooter Hooters.  “Hooters just isn’t racy enough,” the founder of Twin Peaks told a reporter in 2014.  Twin Peaks waitresses doff their usual outfits (“tiny plaid shirts and barely-there shorts”) and wear lingerie on special occasions – like Valentine’s Day or St. Patrick’s Day. 

"A job with no sidework"?

Twin Peaks also promises draft beer “served at a teeth-chattering 29 degrees.”  That’s quite a bit colder than beer nerds would say is optimal.

(Alcohol has a lower freezing temperature than water, so beer doesn’t freeze at 29 degrees.  If it gets much colder than that, it will freeze – so don’t leave beer in your freezer.)

I’ve never been in or even seen a Twin Peaks.  The company is headquartered in Dallas — which figures.  (One third of the chain’s 80 restaurants are in Texas.  Most of the rest are in the South and the Midwest.)

The third major breastaurant brand is Tilted Kilt.  I’ve never been in or seen a Tilted Kilt either, although several of that chain’s 50 or so locations are in my neck of the woods.  (Slogan: “A cold beer never looked so good.”)

Tilted Kilt servers

Tilted Kilts have a Celtic theme in contrast to the outdoorsy, wilderness-lodge-style decor of Twin Peaks.

*     *     *     *     *

All these breastaurants offer beer, wings, and lots of big-screen TVs.  Expect to find a real sausage fest if you go to one.

The good news for breastaurants is that while millennials seem to have lost interest in boobs, they still love wings.

Of course, beer never goes out of style.

*     *     *     *     *

The plot of Bye Bye Birdie – which opened on Broadway in 1960, and ran for 607 performances – was inspired by Elvis Presley’s being drafted into the U.S. Army.  

The original Broadway cast included Dick Van Dyke, Paul Lynde, Chita Rivera, and . . . Michael J. Pollard?  Van Dyke periodically took time off from the show, and his fill-ins included Gene Rayburn and Charles Nelson Reilly, who many of us will remember from their appearances on The Match Game.  (Lynde, of course, is best remembered as a regular on The Hollywood Squares.)

Paul Lynde and Ann-Margret

Van Dyke and Lynde reprised their Broadway roles in the 1963 film version of Bye Bye Birdie.  The female cast members of the movie included Janet Leigh, Maureen Stapleton, and Ann-Margret.

The movie adaptation showcased Ann-Margret’s singing and dancing, and led to her being chosen to co-star with Elvis in Viva Las Vegas.

Van Dyke and Janet Leigh were reportedly unhappy with the film’s focus on her.  Paul Lynde said, “They should have retitled [the movie] Hello Ann-Margret!”   

Here’s the original Broadway cast recording of “Kids”:

Click below to buy the song from Amazon: