"Bye Bye Birdie" Film Soundtrack – "Kids" (1963)

Kids!

I don't know what's wrong

With these kids today!

Alexandre Dumas had it right when he wrote, “Cherchez la femme!”

The phrase – which translates to “Look for the woman!” – became a cliche in crime fiction.  When a murder was committed in an old-school mystery novel, it was a safe assumption that a woman was somehow responsible for it.

If the woman didn’t commit the murder herself, she usually was the reason for the crime.  Perhaps she manipulated the murderer into doing the deed on her behalf.  Or perhaps the murderer was a jealous husband or boyfriend seeking revenge after being rejected by her. 

So cherchez la femme when there’s a murder to be solved, and you will usually be able to solve it. 

*     *     *     *     *

So there I was . . . zooming along on my bike on the Cape Cod Rail Trail in Yarmouth . . . minding my own business . . . when I saw four tweens on bikes approaching me from the other direction.

I keep my eyes wide open when I’m on a busy bike trail.  The biggest hazards are people walking dogs on long leashes, and little kids on bikes that wander across the center line into oncoming traffic.

Because I watch everyone on the trail, I wasn’t taken unaware when the four tweens yelled at me loudly as they passed me – I saw them open their mouths as we were about to pass each other.  

Good thing I was paying attention to them – if I had been daydreaming, the unexpected screams could have startled me and caused me to veer off the trail into a tree.

Which was exactly what the tweens were hoping would happen, of course.

*     *     *     *     *

I had planned to ride a couple of more miles to the east before turning around and returning to my car.  But after ruminating on what had happened, I decided to turn around at the next intersection and go in hot pursuit of the four brats.  

I figured that I was a much faster rider than they were, and that it wouldn’t take me long to run them down.

I was right.  After a minute or two, I had the perpetrators in sight.  You’d best believe they were not expecting to see me when I pulled up next to them, ordered them to stop – which they did – and began to berate them (loudly) for trying to make me have an accident.

The group consisted of three boys and one girl.  The biggest of the boys quickly denied any evil intent, although he had nothing to say when I asked him why he and his pals yelled at me.

I pulled out my phone and told the lead rider – a dweebish, slack-jawed lad – that I was going to send his picture to the authorities.

As I turned to photograph the other three, the girl told her partners-in-crime to cover their faces, which they did:

Cherchez la femme!

*     *     *     *     *

Of course the girl was the ringleader.  Cherchez la femme, after all.  

“You can’t take our picture!” she shouted as she covered up.  “It’s illegal!”

“No, it’s not!” I replied.  “I know because I’m a lawyer!”  (Not a very snappy comeback, I admit.)

As she tried to pedal away, I caught up and rode next to her so I could continue our discussion.

“Stop following me!” she yelled. “I’ll call the police!”

“Please do!” I answered. “We can have a little chat with them together!”

I was bluffing, of course.  I knew I was 100% in the right – it was absolutely clear what these little whippersnappers were up to – but I didn’t really want to get into it with a manipulative 13-year-old girl in front of the po-po.  All she would have to do was start crying and claim I had touched her, and I could have found myself telling it to the judge.

*     *     *     *     *

Here’s a postscript to this tale.

Two days later, I was riding the same stretch of the rail trail when I saw that little b**** and the big lug who had almost wet his pants when I initially confronted them.

She gave me the evil eye and loudly ordered me to go away – she wasn’t a bit afraid of me.

I played it cool, and simply smiled and waved at her I rode by.  (Guess I showed her, huh?)

*     *     *     *     *  

“Kids” is one of the most memorable songs from Bye Bye Birdie, a very successful Broadway musical that opened in 1960 and was made into a movie a few years later.

The original Broadway cast of Bye Bye Birdie included Dick Van Dyke as the male lead, Albert Peterson.  When Van Dyke had to take two weeks off to film the pilot episode of his eponymous CBS television sitcom, he was temporarily replaced by Charles Nelson Reilly, who I remember mostly from his years as a panelist on The Match Game.  (Charles Nelson Reilly and Brett Somers cracking wise on The Match Game – that was some must-see television!)

Charles Nelson Reilly, Brett
Somers, and Gene Rayburn

Speaking of The Match Game, the show’s host – Gene Rayburn – took over the Albert Peterson role on Broadway when Van Dyke left the production about a year after the show opened.

The original Broadway cast also included Paul Lynde, who sat in the center square on The Hollywood Squares for 13 years.  The host of The Hollywood Squares, Peter Marshall played Albert Peterson in the London production of Bye Bye Birdie.

Small world, eh?

Click here to listen to the movie soundtrack recording of “Kids.”

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