Shins – "Pressed in a Book" (2001)

I know when you hear these sappy lines

You’ll roll your eyes and say,“Nice try!”

The people who send in questions to newspaper advice columnists must be the dumbest people in the world.  The advice columnists who answer those questions aren’t much smarter.

Here’s a recent inquiry that appeared in Carolyn Hax’s Washington Post advice column:

Dear Carolyn: My best friend farted on a bus packed with people.  She was sitting on a hard plastic seat, which amplified the sound horribly.  She said, “Oh, God.  Excuse me!”  A guy said to her, “It happens.”  She replied, “Why did it have to happen NOW?!”

They laughed about it and started chatting.  He asked her to dinner.  (Nothing with beans!)  They have been seeing each other for three months.

If they get married and I am asked to give a toast, should I mention the event that brought them together?

Here is the columnist’s answer:

In my perfect world, yes.  In this one:

1. Only with both of their blessings — to avoid embarrassing them, obviously.  But even if you’re sure they delight in public retellings of their origin story: They may have relatives who won’t, and be kind enough to spare you the experience of delivering your “hilarious” toast to a roomful of people aghast at your . . . cheek.

Someday I’ll write down all the real-life backstories feeding my advice. Or not.

2. Thank you.  That’s all.

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My first reaction to this exchange was, “When did it become acceptable for a newspaper to use the word ‘fart’ in print?”

As for Carolyn Hax’s answer, it is about the most incoherent thing I’ve ever read.  (What is “In a perfect world, yes” supposed to mean?  Ditto for “Someday I’ll write down all the real-life backstories feeding my advice.  Or not.” What the hell is she saying?)  

The correct answer to this question is obvious (assuming that the couple do get married someday – which is a big assumption): OF COURSE you do the fart toast!  If you don’t, someone else will – don’t let them steal your thunder!

(Pro tip: Bring a whoopee cushion to the reception and slip it under the bride’s ass every time she sits down.)

*     *     *     *     *

If you need advice, forget about asking Carolyn Hax or any other newspaper advice columnist – send your questions to 2 or 3 lines instead!

While you’re composing your inquiry, enjoy today’s featured recording: “Pressed in a Book,” by the Shins.

I had the Shins’ first two albums on my fourth-generation iPod Shuffle, which gave up the ghost about ten years ago – so I haven’t listened to “Pressed in a Book” in at least that long.

Contrary to the last two lines of “Pressed in a Book” – which are quoted at the beginning of this post – its lyrics are not sappy.  They are pretty elliptical, and also twee as all get-out.  But that’s fine with me: I’m a sucker for elliptical and twee.

Click here to listen to “Pressed in a Book.”  PAY ATTENTION TO THE LYRICS!

Click here to buy it from Amazon.