Stereo MC's – "Connected" (1992)

If you make sure you’re connected

The writing’s on the wall

You have three basic options when you’re out on a bike ride and need to drain the lizard.

First, you can find a fast-food joint or a bar or some other place with public restrooms.  That’s fine if you’re riding in a busy urban neighborhood, but what if you’re riding on a rail trail out in the middle of nowhere?

There are often porta-potties at the trailheads where you go to access such trails, but they are usually waaaaay too foul and disgusting for someone with the delicate sensibilities that I have.  No thank you!

That leaves option number three: the great outdoors.  If the wild beasts who inhabit the woods and the fields aren’t embarrassed to do their business in public, neither am I.  

Does a bear sh*t in the woods?  Mos’ definitely!  Do I simply dismount and go behind a tree when nature calls?  Yes, indeedy!

That works just fine, assuming that it’s not so frigid that I have to take off my gloves and pull down my bike pants to unlimber and let fly – exposing my tenderest body parts to the bitter cold.

Also assuming that a couple of spinsters out for a little bird watching or a new mom pushing a stroller don’t happen by and catch me ganging aft agley.  I’ve had a couple of near misses, forcing me to shut things down midstream, put my junk away, and try to look innocent until the passers by have passed by.

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Last week, I stumbled across a high-tech solution to this problem while riding in Prince George’s County, Maryland.

The "Throne" is a smart portable toilet that was developed to cure the shortage of clean public bathrooms in American cities.

In the words of the Throne’s developers,

In a world with Thrones, parents of young children leave home knowing they’ll be able to find a clean bathroom before a request becomes an emergency.  Mobile workers, such as rideshare and delivery drivers, focus on keeping our cities moving without losing time or dignity.  Small businesses aren’t burdened with the cost of maintaining clean bathrooms for the general public.  People with elevated urgency or frequency of nature’s call, leave home with confidence.  Trans and non-binary people know they are welcome.  Tourists spend more time seeking experiences, less time seeking relief. Joggers run freely.  

And bikers bike freely, I might add.

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The Throne offers a completely touchless bathroom experience.

You walk up to any Throne and scan a QR code, which generates a text message for your phone.  Click “send” on that message and the Throne’s door automatically pops open (assuming no one else is already using it, of course):

When you go inside a Throne, you’ll find a porcelain toilet that actually flushes and a sink where you can wash up after doing the deed.  (The “gray” water from the handwashing sink is what flushes the toilet – waste not, want not!)

At the end of your experience, you are asked to rate the cleanliness of your Throne.  If the previous patron was guilty of bathroom conduct unbecoming a civilized human, Throne’s computers make a note – malefactors may be refused entry the next time they try to use a Throne.

The Throne operates on solar power.  Sensors inside the unit send out a signal when the Throne needs to pumped out and cleaned – after every hundred uses or so.  

The cost of unit is roughly $70,000.  Because there’s no need to connect the Throne to the electrical grid or to the water or sewer infrastructure, installing a Throne costs next to nothing.  

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When I saw my first Throne last week, I was riding the Anacostia River Trail through the busy Bladensburg Waterfront Park just a few miles northeast of downtown Washington, DC.  I couldn’t wait to take it for a test drive.

Despite my advanced age, I’m a pro when it comes to reading a QR code with my cell phone’s camera function – that’s the way most breweries offer access to their draft beer menus these days – and found it easy to generate and send the text message that was supposed to unlock my Throne’s door.

But my hopes were dashed when I received this reply from Throne:

That’s right – this supposedly high-tech toilet was on the fritz.  

If the park where the Throne stood hadn’t been so busy, I would have been tempted to yank my you-know-what out and christen it with my precious bodily fluids.  

But given the heavy foot and bike traffic around me, I had to squeeze my sphincter shut until I was able to ride to a less populated stretch of the bike trail – where I happily made like a dog and relieved myself on a tree.

You were a great disappointment, Throne!

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The Stereo MC’s are a British hip hop group that formed in Nottingham, England in 1985.

“Connected” was released on the group’s album of the same name in 1992.  It was their biggest U.S. hit single, and is the only record by the group that I’ve ever heard.

“Connected” is infectious as all get-out.  Like Ol’ Man River, it just keeps rollin’ along – it’s very loosey-goosey . . . and never goes offline!

Click here to listen to “Connected.”

Click here to buy the song from Amazon.