John Prine – "Dear Abby"

Dear Abby, dear Abby

Well, I never thought

That me and my girlfriend

Would ever get caught

The IT Crowd was a British comedy about a group of twenty-somethings who worked in a corporate IT department.

The star of the show was Irish comedian Chris O’Dowd.  He played an IT “help desk” staffer who answered every call from an employee who had a computer malfunction with the same question: “Have you tried turning it off and back on again?”  

That took care of the vast majority of the problems.  

In the few cases when turning the computer off and back on again didn’t work, O’Dowd’s character asked, “Is it definitely plugged in?”  He never had to go beyond those two questions.

*     *     *     *     *

If I was a newspaper advice columnist, I would follow O’Dowd’s example and give the same answer to every reader who wrote me to ask advice: “HAVE YOU TRIED MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS?”  (If you are a regular reader of my wildly popular little blog, you know that “Mind your own business!” is the great and first commandment of The Church of 2 or 3 Lines.)

If that answer wasn’t satisfactory, I’d turn to this surefire backup response: “I agree – it was definitely the husband’s (or boyfriend’s, or father’s, or male boss’s) fault!”

*     *     *     *     *

The Washington Post is full of advice columns, all of which are written by women.  (Just sayin’.)

Those women never respond to questions with “Have you tried minding your own business?”  Despite the fact that it’s almost always the right answer, it’s not the popular answer.  

Having said that, there’s some really entertaining stuff in newspaper advice columns – like the following Q-and-A from a recent “Ask Amy” column:

Dear Amy: 

I'm asking for advice for my younger sister, “Stella.”

Like a lot of people right now, Stella is using a social media account delivering “X-rated entertainment” to make extra income.

Our older cousin “Candace” is married to “Ted.”  They have three kids.  Ted is about 17 years older than Stella.

Stella found out that Ted has subscribed to her account.  She learned this because he sent her a bunch of messages saying he is always checking her out at family functions. He called her his “dirty little secret.”

We are both very disturbed by his behavior and aren't sure what she should do next.

Should Stella tell Candace?  Stella told our mom in hopes that she would have some advice and to potentially ward off any uncomfortable future family gatherings.

Our mom thinks it's possible that Candace will take Ted's side and it could make things worse. . . .

Stella blocked his account and let her friends on the website know so they can block him, too.  One friend did notice that he was paying for some of her content, but only the content that included Stella.

Should my sister keep this secret, or let our cousin know what her husband is doing?

Concerned Big Sis

Here is Amy’s response:

Dear Concerned Big Sis: 

“Ted” is a creep. . . . But your question partly concerns whether “Stella” should notify your cousin “Candace” because her husband Ted subscribes to Stella’s “X-rated entertainment” account.

If Stella is providing pornography behind a paywall, I would assume that many, if not most, of her customers are somebody’s husband/significant other.

I’ll draw an equivalence to a medium like Penthouse magazine.  If Stella is hired to pose for Penthouse, then should your cousin’s husband be “outed” because he bought it at a newsstand?  No.

Your mom knows about Stella’s groove, and so I would imagine that this acceptance would override any extreme family awkwardness.

Ted’s choice to harass Stella should not remain anyone’s “dirty little secret,” however.

Even though Ted might have thought he was engaging in some creative and sexy role play, having a relative inform her of her role in his fantasy life is . . . creepy!  

Stella should respond directly to Ted, shutting him down. And, depending on how he responds, to deny him the pleasure of having her as his “dirty little secret,” she should feel free to out him.

You should assume that Ted’s wife will side with him. 

*     *     *     *     *

Man, there’s a lot to unpack in what “Concerned Big Sis” has to say.  Let’s review the bidding: 

Like a lot of people right now, Stella is using a social media account delivering “X-rated entertainment” to make extra income.

“Like a lot of people right now”?  Really?

I had no idea.  (Is it possible that some of my friends or neighbors might be doing this?)

Stella found out that Ted has subscribed to her account.  She learned this because he sent her a bunch of messages saying he is always checking her out at family functions. He called her his “dirty little secret.”

How clueless can one man be?  Ted is OUT OF HIS MIND to admit to Stella that he watches her porn website – doesn’t he get that he needs to be sneaky and furtive and KEEP HIS BIG MOUTH SHUT about what he’s up to!  (Talk about the little head telling the big head what to do . . . )

Our mom thinks it's possible that Candace will take Ted's side and it could make things worse.

Are you kidding me?  With all due respect, your mom is OUT OF HER MIND to think that Candace will take Ted’s side if he is outed.  (It’s more likely that she would geld him in his sleep than take his side.)  

Stella blocked his account and let her friends on the website know so they can block him, too.  One friend did notice that he was paying for some of her content, but only the content that included Stella.

On second thought, I probably should review Stella’s website carefully before offering any more advice.

*     *     *     *     *

Here are my thoughts on Amy’s response to “Concerned Big Sis” – or, as I think of her, “Big Sis Who’s Not Minding Her Own Business”:

I’ll draw an equivalence to a medium like Penthouse magazine.  If Stella is hired to pose for Penthouse, then should your cousin’s husband be “outed” because he bought it at a newsstand?  No.

I think Amy is saying that looking at Stella’s hypothetical Penthouse photos is no different from watching Stella’s non-hypothetical online porn, and that neither behavior by a married guy like Ted deserves to be “outed” as long as Ted sticks to just looking at Stella, and doesn’t send her a lot of creepy text messages.  (I like the way you think, Amy!) 

If you don’t agree with Amy that it’s OK for Ted to check out Stella online, I’m guessing that you don’t approve of Stella’s decision to bare herself on an X-rated website either.  

But if her mother is cool with Stella being an online porn star – not to mention her “Concerned Big Sister” – shouldn’t you . . . (get ready for it) . . . MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS?

If Stella is providing pornography behind a paywall, I would assume that many, if not most, of her customers are somebody’s husband/significant other.

No sh*t, Sherlock.

Stella’s problem with Ted must not be that he’s married.  She likely has a lot of the married “clients” who she happily performs for – and whose credit cards she happily dings every month.

If Stella’s problem with Ted isn’t that her moral code forbids her from messing around with married guys – and it seems obvious that she doesn’t care about that as long as the do-re-mi is coming in – I can only see two possible explanations for Stella’s wanting nothing to do with Ted.

First, she may have a problem because Ted is not just any married guy, but the husband of a family member – albeit a very distant one.  (Is “cousin-in-law” a thing?)

Alternatively, Ted may be a loathsome and repulsive pig who grosses Stella out to the extreme, and who she doesn’t want to touch with a ten-foot pole (even if it’s a virtual ten-foot pole) irrespective of whether he’s married to her cousin or not.   

*     *     *     *     *

Like Stella’s mom, Amy thinks it is likely that Candace will take Ted’s side if Stella blows the whistle on him:

You should assume that Ted’s wife will side with him. 

Like Stella’s mom, Amy is OUT OF HER EVER-LOVING MIND to think that.  

I would bet that Candace doesn’t take Ted’s side when he forgets to put the toilet seat down, so there’s exactly ZERO chance she will take his side if he gets caught creeping around his young, hot cousin-in-law’s porn site – much less sending her suggestive texts.  (Unless Ted’s phone is password protected, I wouldn’t put it past Candace to be checking Ted’s phone for such texts whenever she gets the chance – which is sooooo unfair for a wife to do!)

*     *     *     *     *

The most famous of all American newspaper advice columns was “Dear Abby,” which ran in over 1200 newspapers at the height of its popularity.  It was written by Pauline Phillips from 1956 until 2000, when her daughter Jeanne Phillips took over.  

The second most popular advice column of that era, “Ask Ann Landers,” was written from 1955 to 2002 by Esther “Eppie” Lederer – who was Pauline Phillips’s twin sister!

Twin sisters Pauline Esther Friedman
and Esther Pauline Friedman

Phillips was named Pauline Esther Friedman by her parents, while Lederer’s birth name was Esther Pauline Friedman.  (Did someone tell their parents that it cost extra to give twins different names?)

Click here to listen to a John Prine’s 1973 recording of today’s featured song.

Click below to buy that recording from Amazon: