Delta 5 – "Mind Your Own Business" (1979)

Can I have a taste of your ice cream?

Can I interfere in your crisis?

No, mind your own business

I could spend the rest of the year writing posts about advice columnists who failed to observe the first and great commandment of 2 of 3 lines – MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS! – including Amy Dickinson, who pens the syndicated “Ask Amy” column.

Here’s a recent letter to Amy from “Angry Aunt”:

Dear Amy: Last summer my niece come to stay with me. She was 18 at the time.

I could tell that one of my adult friends, “Stan,” was attracted to her, so I asked him not to have sex with her.

A few months later, my niece told me that Stan had had sex with her and that she didn’t like it and was uncomfortable with it.

She asked me not to mention it to him.  Finally, she told me that she had worked it out and that they had stopped.

I was annoyed with Stan because I had specifically asked him not to do this.  He said it was unfair of me to ask him, since she was not a minor.

I told him it would have been better if he had spoken to me about it instead of me having to find out about it from my niece, who is upset about it.

It has really affected our relationship, and I'm not sure if it can be repaired.

Stan says that if he had to do it over again, he would do the same, even though I had asked him not to.

[NOTE: This is my favorite line in the whole exchange between Angry Aunt and “Ask Amy.”  OF COURSE  Stan would do it all over again – are you kidding me?]

Signed,

Angry Aunt

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Here is the advice columnist’s response:

Angry Aunt: Your tone conveys a sense of ownership, rather than concern, regarding this teenager.

You are not your niece’s sexual gatekeeper.  On the other hand, you cast your friend as a predator, and your concern obviously has been well placed.  But shouldn’t you have talked to your niece about this in advance, instead of wasting your breath on him?

Your attention should now be focused entirely on your niece’s well-being.  She is quite obviously (and understandably) confused about the nature of this sexual relationship.  Is she okay?  Is this okay?  She might not know, and rather than you dictating to her, you should be as nonjudgmental as possible, so she will feel comfortable talking with you about it.

Accompany her to a health clinic to make sure she has birth control counseling and STD tests.

Talk to her about consent.  She has the right to decide what she wants to do, sexually.  If she doesn’t consent, her choice must be respected, and if she didn’t consent to whatever transpired last summer, then she has the right to go to the police.

In terms of possibly repairing your relationship with “Stan,” I can’t imagine why you would want to.  Even if — strictly speaking — his behavior wasn’t illegal, unethical or even any of your business — if you don’t like hanging out with an unrepentant horn dog, then there is no reason to maintain the friendship.

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You probably think that I’m going to say that Amy should have saved herself and her readers a lot of time deleted and simply printed the last paragraph of her reply.

But you’d be wrong.  

While you might expect me to agree with Amy’s observation that Stan’s behavior wasn’t any of Angry Aunt’s business, I’m not sure that the great and first commandment of the Church of 2 or 3 Lines really applies here. 

I do agree with Amy’s advice that the aunt should have expressed her concerns to her niece instead of Stan.  Let’s face it – Stan (a/k/a/ “Unrepentant Horn Dog”) wasn’t going to be dissuaded from pursuing a hot 18-year-old by a polite request from her aunt.  

But the aunt’s real failing wasn’t that she didn’t mind her own business, but that she was a little too laissez-faire when it came to what her niece was up to.  

While an 18-year-old is legally an adult, she’s still very young – and by inviting her to come live with her for the summer, the aunt took on the responsibilities of a parent.  

But the aunt seems to have been clueless that Stan and her niece were messing around until the niece informed her a few months after Stan first laid eyes on her.

The letter’s not entirely clear on this point, but I’m guessing that Stan and the niece didn’t have sex just once or twice – it seems more likely that their little romance had been going on for weeks if not months when the niece finally fessed up.

And if I’m right, how in the hell did the aunt not notice?  The niece was staying in her house, after all.  Maybe she and her lover boy were such clever co-conspirators that they would have avoided detection by even a very vigilant aunt.  But I’d bet dollars to donuts that it wasn’t that hard to pull the wool over the aunt’s eyes – I suspect she just wasn’t paying attention. 

*     *     *     *     *

I’m left with three questions.

First, what was the nature of the aunt’s relationship with Stan?  She refers to him as an”adult friend.”  That strikes me as an odd term for an adult to use.  (Would you ever refer to one of your friends as an “adult friend”? I don’t think I would.)  

I also wonder about her use of the word “relationship” to describe her friendship with Stan.  (Maybe you would use the word “relationship” to describe a non-romantic friendship, but I wouldn’t.)

I don’t want to read too much into Angry Aunt’s choice of words, but if she is or ever has been in a romantic relationship with Stan, that would explain a lot about her reaction – right?

My next question is why did Angry Aunt bother writing to “Ask Amy”?  She tells Amy that Stan’s failure to respect her request that he keep his mitts off her niece “has really affected our relationship, and I'm not sure if it can be repaired.”  

That’s sounds more like a wife writing to Amy about an unfaithful husband.  As Amy points out, if the aunt doesn’t like Stan’s behavior, she can simply walk away from the friendship.  Given the seemingly casual nature of their friendship – i.e., they aren’t spouses or lovers or family members or roommates or business partners – what’s the big deal?

The third and most important question I have is this: HOW OLD IS STAN?

Remember the 2 or 3 lines formula for calculating the acceptable age spread between an older man and a younger woman.  You take the man’s age, divide it by two, and add seven.  He shouldn’t date a woman younger that the number you get from doing that calculation.  

For example, a 68-year-old man can date women who are 41 but no younger.  That’s because 68 ÷ 2 = 34, and 34 + 7 = 41.  (Seems reasonable, don’t you think?)

If Stan was 22, you’d divide that number by two and add seven – which gives you 18.  Therefore, it would be perfectly appropriate for a 22-year-old man to “date” Angry Aunt’s niece.

But if Stan was 32 – or 42 – or even 52 (heaven forbid!) – it would be a horse of a different color.

(Angry Aunt, if you happen to read this post, PLEASE write me at 2or3lines@gmail.com and let me know how old Stan was.)

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Delta 5 was a post-punk band from Leeds that sounded a bit like Gang of Four, a much more famous post-punk band from Leeds.

Delta 5

“Mind Your Own Business,” the band’s first single, was released in 1979.

Click here to listen to “Mind Your Own Business.”

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