Soft Cell -- "Tainted Love/Where Did Our Love Go" (1982)

Once I ran to you

Now I run from you

Shakespeare's tragic hero, King Lear, knew what he was talking about when he said:

How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is

To have a thankless child!

I might revise the immortal bard's words slightly, and say instead how sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless Chief Executive Senior Contributing Editor.

That title is very complicated, so we'll need to pick a nickname that's a little less clumsy.  Hmmm . . . let me think . . .  

I suppose we could call her "Linda," since that is her name.  But I think I will call her "Super Bitch From Hell" since that's what she is acting like.

It's tempting to call her "Hillary," but that would be hitting below the belt – although that expression doesn't really apply when you're talking about women . . . does it?  (Not that you should hit a woman above or below the belt!)

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Recently, Super Bitch From Hell (or "SBFH" for short) and I were discussing Scala & Kolacny Brothers, the wonderful Belgian girls' choir that does lovely, ethereal choral versions of pop songs.  I found a Youtube video of them performing a cover of the old Soft Cell hit from 1982, "Tainted Love," in Montreal, and mentioned what a guilty pleasure that song was.

OMG, that set SBFH off on such a rant that you wouldn't believe it:

Don't even get me started on "Tainted Love." One of the worst songs in the history of songdom, IMO. Can't really even put my finger on why I hate it, I just do.  

Very persuasive logic, eh?

Being the a**hole that I am, I couldn't resist egging her on.  I sent SBFH this message:

The Soft Cell "Tainted Love/Where Did Our Love Go?" medley is probably one of the 10 greatest accomplishments of Western culture to date – will have to write a "2 or 3 lines" post praising it just to annoy you.

To quote David Bowie, I knew I was putting out the fire with gasoline with those words.  And, sure enough, SBFH rose to the bait:

I may have to have a "Soft Cell Sucks" t-shirt made up & post a pic of it right under the announcement of your Soft Cell post. Controversy = more readers, right?

SBFH wasn't done taunting me.  I had told her that Scala & Kolacny Brothers was performing in Washington next month, and that I really wanted to see them but didn't want to go alone.  So she had to taunt me about that: 

You should get [your 16-year-old son] to go to the concert with you.  

Oh sure, like that's happening.  My son's a good kid, but he would rather cut off an arm than go to a concert with his father.  And how pathetic would it be for me to take a 16-year-old to an edgy downtown club because I couldn't find a date? 

 Just tell him it's a bunch of hot Belgian chicks singing rock songs. No need to elaborate on what they actually sound like. Or, why don't you take your hot French g/f?  

I don't think SCFH – oops, I meant to type SBFH – really believes that I have a hot (age-adjusted) French girlfriend.

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I left it at that, figuring that would be the end of it.  But n-o-o-o-o-o-o . . . within hours, SBFH sent me a very intemperate attack on "Tainted Love," which you would think was Hitler's favorite record or something, and dared me to post it.

What could I do?  I couldn't just ignore her -- although I knew the folks in the marketing department would soil their drawers if I told them I was tearing up the FY 2011 2nd quarter posting schedule and inserting an unplanned post on the spur of the moment.  

You would think that SBFH might have a little more concern for the good of 2 or 3 lines – after all, it is the only wildly popular little blog I'm aware of that has given her carte blanche to ramble on about her glory days.

We even let her get away with that disturbing little story about relieving herself in a coffee mug in her minivan.  (Goodness gracious, "Linda," have you no shame?  Wouldn't that story have better been kept to yourself rather than splashed all over the pages of my blog?)

But no, it's a-l-l-l-l about her.  So rather than just deep six her contribution, which would no doubt precipitate a major hissy fit by Ms. SBFH – I so hate it when I'm forced to call Ted, our chief of security, to escort an employee who has misbehaved out of the building – I've decided to turn the other cheek and accede to her desire to unload on "Tainted Love" in 2 or 3 lines. 

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My non-italic comments are interspersed throughout her italicized screed, which begins with the following sortie: 

One of the many benefits of my lofty position with 2 or 3 lines is occasional permission to voice a dissenting opinion.

Am I imagining things, or is there the tiniest hint of sarcasm here?  

Disagreement with upper management, while tolerated, is not necessarily appreciated.  Shameless toadying is the preferred modus operandi for underlings.

I'm pretty sure now that I wasn't imagining that sarcasm.

My hot (age-adjusted) French g/f

In this case, though, I feel compelled to express my complete distaste for “Tainted Love.”  I have a sneaking suspicion that the hot (age-adjusted) French girlfriend must have somehow influenced our fearless leader in his adoration of this song.  How else does one explain such an obvious lapse in judgment?  

Hold it right there, sister.  I've liked this song since it was released in 1982.  (It helped that I didn't own the record and heard it only infrequently on the radio, so I didn't wear it out for myself.)  The French g/f had nothing to do with it.

The squiggly synths and mechanized drum loops, coupled with the whiny vocals, are just completely unappealing to me. I don’t have a problem with synthesizers and drum machines, in principle. A lot of early eighties bands used them and produced great music. The Eurythmics come to mind, as well as Blondie, Devo and Depeche Mode.  

(Depeche Mode produced "great music"?  ARE YOU FRIGGING KIDDING ME?)  

“Tainted Love” just sounds way too sterile and mechanical to me. The accompanying video, a mishmash of togas, tennis outfits (or maybe cricket), and children, is vaguely homoerotic but mostly just silly and not very entertaining. 

Click here to watch that video.  (The guy in the video who's not wearing a toga is wearing a cricket outfit, not a tennis outfit – the fact that he's holding a CRICKET BAT instead of a tennis racket was a dead giveaway, I thought.)  The video is very creepy – but I believe we were talking about the song.  Attacking the video is attacking a straw man.

(By the way, calling this video "VAGUELY HOMOEROTIC" is akin to saying that Sarah Jessica Parker has a vaguely equine appearance.)  

  

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Back to SBFH's philippic against "Soft Cell":

Neither Marilyn Manson nor the Pussycat Dolls, who both covered the song, could make it palatable, either. 

Click here to watch the Marilyn Manson video.  (Watch the hot-tub scenes and tell me they aren't highly palatable!)

Click here for the Pussycat Dolls cover.  (Nothing "vaguely homoerotic" here.)

The Pussycat Dolls

Coil’s version is the most unusual and interesting of the covers. An industrial music band formed in the early eighties, Coil released “Tainted Love”  in 1984. It was the first musical release to have all of its profits donated to a foundation dedicated to AIDS education and prevention. Coil’s video of the song is on permanent display in the Museum of Modern Art in New York.

That's all well and good, but one might ask how truly noble it was for a band no one has ever heard of to donate the non-existent profits from a record that nobody bought to a good cause.

Coil's version of "Tainted Love" reminds me of what a 45 rpm record sounded like on my parents' stereo when I accidentally played it at 33 rpm.  And as for the video, my advice is not to view it after a big meal unless you're a bulimic . . . in which case it's perfect.

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I think SBFH may have confused New York City's Museum of Modern Art ("MOMA") with the Museum of Bad Art ("MOBA") in suburban Boston.  MOBA's permanent collection includes 500 pieces of art "too bad to be ignored," according to one critic.

From MOBA's permanent collection, here is an anonymous tribute to the famous pointillist artist Georges Seurat, which the anonymous artist titled "Sunday On The Pot With George":

And here is one more piece from MOBA's collection for those of you who prefer artworks that present the lovely female form rather than anything "vaguely homoerotic."  This painting (also anonymous, not surprisingly) is called "The Itch."  Whether "the itch" is under her right armpit or it is her back that itches isn't clear.

Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion.  Far be it from me to try to take on the title of arbiter of musical taste.  But, Gary, I’m sorry – “Tainted Love” is just . . . wrong!
 

There certainly is something that's just wrong here, but it ain't "Tainted Love."

(I know, that was kind of a weak ending, but the lawyers wouldn't let me talk about taint.)

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Soft Cell's version of "Tainted Love" ranked #2 on VH1's 100 Greatest One-Hit Wonders, but #5 on VH1's 100 Greatest One-Hit Wonders of the Eighties.  Obviously VH1 doesn't take as much care with its lists as it might.  ("Tainted Love" ranks ahead of "Come On Eileen" by Dexys Midnight Runners on the first list, but behind it on the latter list.)

Click here to hear the radio edit of "Tainted Love"/"Where Did Our Love Go?".

Click here to listen to a much longer version that was very popular in the clubs back in the day.

Click below to buy that extended mix on Amazon: