The Voice – "Train to Disaster" (1965)

You know the end is near

And you’re laughing out of fear

Here’s a quote you might have read recently:

You know, I do the weave.  You know what the weave is?  I’ll talk about like nine different things, and they all come back brilliantly together and it’s like, and friends of mine that are, like, English professors, they say, ‘It’s the most brilliant thing I’ve ever seen.’  But the fake news, you know what they say?  ‘He rambled.’

The person who said those words?  None other than our 47th President, Donald John Trump.

What I found most interesting about that quote is that it applies one hundred percent – maybe even one hundred and ten percent – to 2 or 3 lines.

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I gave birth to 2 or 3 lines on November 1, 2009  – long before Donald Trump declared his candidacy for the 2016 Republican Presidential nomination.  (I’m sure you remember how that campaign turned out.)

The weave is real!

I’m not saying that President Trump stole “ the weave” from me.  Maybe it’s just a coincidence that “the weave” so closely resembles my rhetorical style.  

Do you believe in coincidences?  Albert Einstein didn’t.  “Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous,” he once said.

If you don’t believe Einstein – who was about a thousand times smarter than you are – maybe you’ll be persuaded by something that best-selling author Jim Butcher wrote:

Last year in the U.S. alone more than nine hundred thousand people were reported missing and not found.

That's out of three hundred million, total population. That breaks down to about one person in 325 vanishing every year.

Maybe it’s a coincidence, but its almost the same loss ratio experienced by herd animals on the African savannah to large predators.

(Case closed.)

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“Train to Disaster” was the only single The Voice ever released.  Most of the group’s members were also members of an odd religious cult called The Process, who worshipped both Christ and Satan.  When they upped and moved to the Bahamas with the rest of the cult’s members in 1966, that was the end of The Voice.

Fun fact: The Voice once called themselves Karl Stuart and the Profile – even though there was no one named Karl Stuart in the band.

Click here to listen to “Train to Disaster.”

Click here to buy the recording from Amazon. 

Ice-T – "99 Problems" (1993)

If you’re having girl problems

I feel bad for you, son

After inviting my loyal readers to send their questions to 2 or 3 lines instead of to one of those lame newspaper advice columnists, I’ve been deluged with inquiries.

I can’t respond to all your pleas for advice, of course.  But here’s one that struck a chord with me.

Dear 2 or 3 lines:

After separating from my wife of forty years, I dated a number of women before settling down with my current girlfriend.  I recently introduced her to a childhood friend of mine who I recently reconnected with, and the two of them have become very chummy.

The childhood friend published her first novel last year, and I bought a copy to show my support for her efforts.  I don’t have a lot of time to read, so I gave the book to my girlfriend – who isn’t all that busy.  (She fritters away most of her time watching TV, playing video games, and talking on the phone with the neighborhood yentas.)

The friend, girlfriend, and I were at a party last month, and I overheard the following conversation between the two of them:

Friend:  “Thank you for posting such a nice review of my book.  I guess Greg hasn’t gotten around to reading it yet?”

Girlfriend: “I’m afraid not.  He means well, but he’s a procrastinator and has his hands full with his large family.”

Friend:  “I know he does.  Anyway, I’m so glad he found you – I was worried about him navigating life as a serial dater.”

I know that you are an expert when it comes to relationships and how the female mind works,  so I’m curious what you think about that conversation – it left me feeling a little uneasy.

Signed, 

Curious Greg

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Here’s my response, which I think speaks for itself:

Dear Curious Greg:

You’re right to feel uneasy.  Both of these women are trouble. 

I suspect what makes you uneasy about this conversation is that these two women are working in tandem to fix you.  That’s not surprising, of course – women are constantly trying to fix men who are just fine the way they are.  

[NOTE: It’s no accident that I chose the word “fix,” which is a euphemism for a certain rather unpleasant surgical procedure.] 

Good advice!

It’s bad enough when you have to deal with one woman who is determined to fix you, but it’s even worse when two of them gang up on you.  

Let me now address two specific aspects of their conversation.

First, we have the “He’s a procrastinator” comment.  Let’s ignore the fact that your girlfriend threw you under the bus instead of taking your side, and focus on the substance of that statement.  

When a woman accuses a man of procrastinating, what she is really saying is that he didn’t do something according to her timetable.  I’m guessing you never committed to read your friend’s book by a certain date, but she had an expectation that you would drop everything and read it ASAP – and when your didn’t act in conformance with her expectations, that’s somehow a failing on your part.

The second issue is the “I was worried about him navigating life as a serial dater” comment.  (Note her use of the word “serial,” which has very negative connotations – e.g., “serial killer.”)  I suspect you were perfectly happy playing the field – especially after milking the same cow for so many years – so there was no need for your friend to worry about you.

Bad advice!

Jane Austen once wrote that “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man must be in want of a wife.”  Today’s women aren’t as hung up on men putting a ring on it as the women of Austen’s time were.  But it does bother them when they see a man who is going from woman to woman like a bee pollinating many different flowers – in other words, a “serial dater.”

Signed, 

2 or 3 lines

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If you’re having girl problems like Curious Greg, 2 or 3 lines feels bad for you, son.  Just e-mail me at 2or3lines@gmail.com, and I’ll give you the straight dope.

Click here to listen to Ice-T’s “99 Problems,” which is possibly the most offensive and misogynistic rap song I’ve ever heard.  (I’m sure you’ve heard Jay-Z’s “99 Problems,” which was a y-u-g-e hit for him.  Jay-Z not only stole the title of that record from Ice-T, but also stole the line quoted at the beginning of this post.)

Click here to buy Ice-T’s “99 Problems” from Amazon. 

Shins – "Pressed in a Book" (2001)

I know when you hear these sappy lines

You’ll roll your eyes and say,“Nice try!”

The people who send in questions to newspaper advice columnists must be the dumbest people in the world.  The advice columnists who answer those questions aren’t much smarter.

Here’s a recent inquiry that appeared in Carolyn Hax’s Washington Post advice column:

Dear Carolyn: My best friend farted on a bus packed with people.  She was sitting on a hard plastic seat, which amplified the sound horribly.  She said, “Oh, God.  Excuse me!”  A guy said to her, “It happens.”  She replied, “Why did it have to happen NOW?!”

They laughed about it and started chatting.  He asked her to dinner.  (Nothing with beans!)  They have been seeing each other for three months.

If they get married and I am asked to give a toast, should I mention the event that brought them together?

Here is the columnist’s answer:

In my perfect world, yes.  In this one:

1. Only with both of their blessings — to avoid embarrassing them, obviously.  But even if you’re sure they delight in public retellings of their origin story: They may have relatives who won’t, and be kind enough to spare you the experience of delivering your “hilarious” toast to a roomful of people aghast at your . . . cheek.

Someday I’ll write down all the real-life backstories feeding my advice. Or not.

2. Thank you.  That’s all.

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My first reaction to this exchange was, “When did it become acceptable for a newspaper to use the word ‘fart’ in print?”

As for Carolyn Hax’s answer, it is about the most incoherent thing I’ve ever read.  (What is “In a perfect world, yes” supposed to mean?  Ditto for “Someday I’ll write down all the real-life backstories feeding my advice.  Or not.” What the hell is she saying?)  

The correct answer to this question is obvious (assuming that the couple do get married someday – which is a big assumption): OF COURSE you do the fart toast!  If you don’t, someone else will – don’t let them steal your thunder!

(Pro tip: Bring a whoopee cushion to the reception and slip it under the bride’s ass every time she sits down.)

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If you need advice, forget about asking Carolyn Hax or any other newspaper advice columnist – send your questions to 2 or 3 lines instead!

While you’re composing your inquiry, enjoy today’s featured recording: “Pressed in a Book,” by the Shins.

I had the Shins’ first two albums on my fourth-generation iPod Shuffle, which gave up the ghost about ten years ago – so I haven’t listened to “Pressed in a Book” in at least that long.

Contrary to the last two lines of “Pressed in a Book” – which are quoted at the beginning of this post – its lyrics are not sappy.  They are pretty elliptical, and also twee as all get-out.  But that’s fine with me: I’m a sucker for elliptical and twee.

Click here to listen to “Pressed in a Book.”  PAY ATTENTION TO THE LYRICS!

Click here to buy it from Amazon.

Migos – "M&M's" (2014)

M&M, M&M, M&M, M&M, M&M, M&M, M&M

M&M, M&M, M&M, M&M, M&M, M&M

[NOTE: After I chose the last of the “Golden Age” 2 or 3 lines posts that were featured in this year’s “28 Posts in 28 Days,” I stumbled across this classic from December 2018 – which I just had to share with my loyal readers!]

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There are many ways to eat M&M’s, but only one right way:

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Migos, a hip hop group from Atlanta, released “M&M’s” on its No Label 2 mix tape in 2014:

You might think the song is about the candy, but it’s really about M-16s.

Click here to listen to today’s featured song.