Ice-T – "99 Problems" (1993)

If you’re having girl problems

I feel bad for you, son

After inviting my loyal readers to send their questions to 2 or 3 lines instead of to one of those lame newspaper advice columnists, I’ve been deluged with inquiries.

I can’t respond to all your pleas for advice, of course.  But here’s one that struck a chord with me.

Dear 2 or 3 lines:

After separating from my wife of forty years, I dated a number of women before settling down with my current girlfriend.  I recently introduced her to a childhood friend of mine who I recently reconnected with, and the two of them have become very chummy.

The childhood friend published her first novel last year, and I bought a copy to show my support for her efforts.  I don’t have a lot of time to read, so I gave the book to my girlfriend – who isn’t all that busy.  (She fritters away most of her time watching TV, playing video games, and talking on the phone with the neighborhood yentas.)

The friend, girlfriend, and I were at a party last month, and I overheard the following conversation between the two of them:

Friend:  “Thank you for posting such a nice review of my book.  I guess Greg hasn’t gotten around to reading it yet?”

Girlfriend: “I’m afraid not.  He means well, but he’s a procrastinator and has his hands full with his large family.”

Friend:  “I know he does.  Anyway, I’m so glad he found you – I was worried about him navigating life as a serial dater.”

I know that you are an expert when it comes to relationships and how the female mind works,  so I’m curious what you think about that conversation – it left me feeling a little uneasy.

Signed, 

Curious Greg

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Here’s my response, which I think speaks for itself:

Dear Curious Greg:

You’re right to feel uneasy.  Both of these women are trouble. 

I suspect what makes you uneasy about this conversation is that these two women are working in tandem to fix you.  That’s not surprising, of course – women are constantly trying to fix men who are just fine the way they are.  

[NOTE: It’s no accident that I chose the word “fix,” which is a euphemism for a certain rather unpleasant surgical procedure.] 

Good advice!

It’s bad enough when you have to deal with one woman who is determined to fix you, but it’s even worse when two of them gang up on you.  

Let me now address two specific aspects of their conversation.

First, we have the “He’s a procrastinator” comment.  Let’s ignore the fact that your girlfriend threw you under the bus instead of taking your side, and focus on the substance of that statement.  

When a woman accuses a man of procrastinating, what she is really saying is that he didn’t do something according to her timetable.  I’m guessing you never committed to read your friend’s book by a certain date, but she had an expectation that you would drop everything and read it ASAP – and when your didn’t act in conformance with her expectations, that’s somehow a failing on your part.

The second issue is the “I was worried about him navigating life as a serial dater” comment.  (Note her use of the word “serial,” which has very negative connotations – e.g., “serial killer.”)  I suspect you were perfectly happy playing the field – especially after milking the same cow for so many years – so there was no need for your friend to worry about you.

Bad advice!

Jane Austen once wrote that “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man must be in want of a wife.”  Today’s women aren’t as hung up on men putting a ring on it as the women of Austen’s time were.  But it does bother them when they see a man who is going from woman to woman like a bee pollinating many different flowers – in other words, a “serial dater.”

Signed, 

2 or 3 lines

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If you’re having girl problems like Curious Greg, 2 or 3 lines feels bad for you, son.  Just e-mail me at 2or3lines@gmail.com, and I’ll give you the straight dope.

Click here to listen to Ice-T’s “99 Problems,” which is possibly the most offensive and misogynistic rap song I’ve ever heard.  (I’m sure you’ve heard Jay-Z’s “99 Problems,” which was a y-u-g-e hit for him.  Jay-Z not only stole the title of that record from Ice-T, but also stole the line quoted at the beginning of this post.)

Click here to buy Ice-T’s “99 Problems” from Amazon.