Beat Farmers – "Baby's Liquored Up" (1994)

Now she’s goin’ too far

She just blew lunch in my new car

She’s all liquored up!

I once almost had a girlfriend blow her lunch in my car.

It was New Year’s Eve,  and the two of us were out celebrating with my best friend and his girlfriend.  We were driving from one party to another party when “Gayle” suddenly announced that I needed to stop the car.

I quickly pulled over and stepped on the brakes just in time for her to open the door, step out of the car, and throw up in the gutter.

It was a freezing cold night, but I’ll never forget the pair of cuffed, peach-colored hot pants that she was wearing.  It was 1972, or perhaps 1973 – I’m not sure if she threw up before or after midnight – when hot pants were at their height of popularity.  

As Gayle was cleaning herself up after blowing lunch – or, more likely, blowing dinner – my friend looked at me and shook his head.  “Pard,” he said, “you need to end this.”

He was right.  A few days later, I retuned to college – and I don’t think I ever saw Gayle again.   

Looking back on that “relationship,” I don’t we ever spent time together without alcohol being involved.  

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I could tell stories for hours about my male friends and me drinking to excess.  (Believe me, I’m not proud of that – but it’s the truth.)  But I only have one other anecdote about a woman drinking until she was past the point of no return.

Once evening, some friends were visiting me in the apartment I lived in my junior year of college.  Near the end of the evening, I handed one of the girls in the group a can of beer.  As soon as I let go of the can, it fell through her hand and went splat on my kitchen floor.  

In other words, she was so drunk that she was unable to grasp the beer can when I put it into her hand.

That’s pretty drunk.

*     *     *     *     *

The Beat Farmers formed in San Diego in 1983.  The band broke up shortly after their drummer and co-founder, Country Dick Montana (who was born Daniel Monte McLain), had a heart attack and died three songs into a live appearance in Whistler, British Columbia.

The nom de scène “Country Dick Montana” sounds suspiciously like “Handsome Dick Manitoba,” the name used by Richard Blum when he was the lead singer of the Dictators – a wonderful band that released its first album about eight years before the Beat Farmers got together.

Click here to listen to “Baby’s Liquored Up.”