Dr. Coolsex -- "Dropped My Phone in the Toilet" (2011)

Is water damage

Covered by AppleCare?

A old friend of mine named Carol often posts to Facebook about her daughter, Elle.  Here's one example:

Elle and I were driving home from her ballet class tonight and she said to me, "Ugh. I can't wait to get home, lay on the couch, and take off my bra." . . . Sometimes I forget she's only 9. 

(Sounds like nine going on 19 . . . or maybe 29.)

Carol posted recently about Elle's latest misadventure, which took place in the women's restroom in the Macy's at a New Jersey mall:

Elle just dropped her brand new phone into the toilet at Macy's.  I need a drink.

Later, Carol shared more details about Elle's mishap: 

I did try and scoop it out with a plastic cup, but then I thought of what I was doing and how disgusting it was. I mean, really, what was I going to do with the phone once I fished it out of the toilet? Put it in a bag of rice and then try and use it again? I wouldn't let that thing touch my skin let alone hold it up to my ear!!!

Tracy, one of Carol's friends, then chimed in with her two cents' worth:

You are too funny! Reminds me of a friend who throws shoes away if they step in dog poo!

Carol demurred:

Tracy, I would clean off the dog poo.  I skeeve public toilets to begin with.  I won't touch a door handle let alone a phone that's been submerged in dirty toilet water.  Imagine the germs in that toilet bowl!!!!  YUCK!  Even if the phone worked after all of this, I would not feel right seeing Elle hold it in her hand and up to her face knowing where its been.

Kim, another are Carol's friends, offered a suggestion from her husband:

Jerry said you could have sold it for parts. LOL. I agree I would have trouble putting that to my face.

Once again, Carol demurred:

Kim, I wouldn't even touch it to sell it for parts either.  BLAH!

I shared this exchange with several of my female Facebook friends, asking them what they thought about all this.  One of them offered this observation:

I on the other hand would fish out that sucker, take it apart, put it in rice, and tell my daughter to be more careful next time!!  However, I get the dog poo thing . . . to me that's a MUST toss in trash moment!

Another of my lovely lady friends had a very different point of view.  (This friend works for a pet-supply company and is unusually knowledgeable about dog poop, so I am inclined to defer to her expertise.)

Good grief!  Why aren't most people aware that there are more "germs" in our mouths than what is in any given toilet bowl?!!  And, yes, there are more on the surfaces of the doors in and leading to a restroom and around the wash basin area.  While I would probably also abandon that cell phone and not use it anymore, I do find that scenario to be rather humorous.  And, the dog poo thing is funny too, but keep in mind that dogs do it on the floor of all the stores I work in each week!!!  Many people's shoes inadvertently are carrying out samples of all kinds of dog poo when they leave a PetSmart or Petco because the owners usually do a "shitty" job of just wiping the area and do not clean the area very well.

And just when you thought Carol's saga was over, she posted this note to Facebook:

What could be worse than Elle dropping her cellphone into the toilet at Macy's and us leaving it there?  Someone trying to call me from it.  Are you kidding me?

Do NOT try this at home -- or at Macy's!

Carol's friend Susan replied with these words of wisdom:

OMG!  They touched it!  OK, I'd say they earned the right to have it.  Ewww!

Carol's friend Kristine expressed an even stronger sentiment than Susan, and wasted no words doing so:

EWWWWW!

I sent the following message to Carol, expressing my heartfelt regrets for Elle's misfortune:

Carol, I'm sorry Elle dropped her phone in the toilet.  But the exchange you had with your friends after it happened may be the funniest thing in the history of the universe.

Here's her answer to my expression of sincere condolence:

I can't believe they expected me to fish it out of the toilet!  If it were in my own toilet, different story . . . but the toilet at Macy's!?  YUCK!!!  

A sign that all Parisians ignore

Here's the last sentence of Carol's response:

So glad I can keep you amused. 

Me too, Carol!

It's an ill wind that blows nobody any good, and Carol's ill wind gave me plenty of fodder for a very entertaining (and sorely needed) 2 or 3 lines post.  As I told her:

This is comedy gold! I will use this in an upcoming "2 or 3 lines" but will keep your name out of it.

Carol cheerfully gave the requested go-ahead for my quoting her Facebook posts:

Feel free!  Always happy if I can make someone laugh off of my trials and tribulations.  

(What a sweetheart -- always thinking of others!)

I don't know about you, but I've learned two things from all this:

1.  Women have widely varying opinions as to the appropriate response to one's child dropping her smart phone in a public toilet -- not to mention stepping in dog poop.

2.  Women are crazy.

I'll be interested to hear how Carol's husband (and Elle's father) views the situation.  I have a feeling that I would say one of the following two things, depending on whether the phone still works or not, if I were in his position.

If the phone works: "I DON'T CARE IF IT'S YUCKY AND YOU DON'T WANT TO TOUCH IT!  I'M NOT BUYING A NEW PHONE FOR YOU JUST BEFORE YOU WERE TEXTING YOUR FRIEND EMMA WHILE YOU WERE DOING NUMBER ONE AT MACY'S AND SOMEHOW DROPPED THE PHONE INTO THE TOILET!"

If the phone doesn't work:  "HELL NO, I'M NOT BUYING YOU A NEW PHONE.  MAYBE THAT WILL TEACH YOU NOT TO BE TEXTING EMMA WHILE YOU ARE DOING NUMBER ONE AT MACY'S!"

However, if Elle is even half as adorable as my twin daughters were when they were nine, I might have said this instead: "Honey, don't cry!  Of course Daddy will buy you a new cell phone to replace the one you dropped in the toilet at Macy's while you were doing number one and texting Emma.  Come here and sit on my lap and eat your bowl of ice cream while I read The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe to you."

Here's "Dropped My Phone in the Toilet," by Dr. Coolsex.  (And no, I don't know if AppleCare covers it when you drop your new iPhone into the toilet.  I'm a Blackberry guy, so I don't particularly care.)

Click below to buy the song from Amazon: