Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Miley Cyrus -- "We Can't Stop" (2013)

We run things
Things don’t run we

I've decided that it is time for 2 or 3 lines to take a position on Miley Cyrus.  

(Hahahahaha, you're very funny -- yes, I did think about making that joke that you just thought of.)

Did you catch Miley's performance with Robin Thicke at the 2013 Video Music Awards?  (You'll definitely wanna go full-screen on this video.)

What do you think is the most appalling element of Miley's performance?  

Her hair?

Her Chuck E. Cheese outfit?

Her giant foam finger?

(By the way, what's with Miley's tongue?  It seems to have a mind of its own.)

Her touching Robin Thicke's crotch with that big foam finger?

Her enthusiastic twerking against said crotch?

Holy moly!  How did a mere 20-year-old -- and a 20-year-old who spent her formative teenage years on the Disney Channel -- become such a gynormous slut?  

XXL, a hip-hop magazine, called Miley's performance "a true trainwreck in the classic sense of the word as the audience reaction seemed to be a mix of confusion, dismay and horror in a cocktail of embarrassment."  

That wasn't my reaction -- not by a long shot.  I didn't experience one iota of confusion, dismay, or (especially) horror at her performance.

Instead, I experienced the kind of gleeful excitement that only a pop music blogger who is committed to write three posts a week and often has absolutely no idea where the next one is coming from can understand what I felt when this dropped into my lap like manna from heaven.  (If this post doesn't generate click numbers beyond my wildest dreams, I'll be surprised.)

If the Video Music Awards performance wasn't enough, there's the music video for Miley's #1 single, "Wrecking Ball," which currently has over 426 million views on Vevo.

Here's what Wikipedia has to say about "Wrecking Ball":  

Upon its release, "Wrecking Ball" received generally mixed reviews from music critics who were ambivalent towards its lyrical content and overall production.

You have GOT to be kidding me.  Have these critics watched the "Wrecking Ball" video, which is divided pretty equally between shots of Miley licking the head of a sledgehammer and riding a wrecking ball in her birthday suit.

The former:

The latter:

Did you hear what I said?  She is swinging on a wrecking ball nekkid as a jaybird -- and music critics are worried about her song's "lyrical content" and "overall production"?

And then there's this outfit.  (Does this girl have parents?  A manager?  A super-ego?)

I feel sorry for the Kardashian/Jenner sisters in this photo.  Someone as megaslutty as Miley makes it tough for regular sluts to compete:

Not to mention these pictures.  (What the hell is going on here?)

Where is she getting her fashion advice?  From Larry Flynt?  Ike Turner?  (Ike's dead, you say?)

And then there's her famous "nipple tweet":

Click here to read a Los Angeles Times story about that tweet.  That story -- which is headlined "The real story behind Miley Cyrus's 'Free the Nipple' tweet" -- ends with this mind-boggling line:

Say what you will about Miley Cyrus, but she's starting to look like a feminist hero to me.

"Feminist hero"?  Really?  ("Dirty old man hero," maybe.)

Excuse me, but I need to lie down for a few moments with a cool washcloth on my forehead.

* * * * *

That's better.  My blood pressure did get just a tad high for a moment or two, but everything's back to normal now.  

Anywho . . . By the way, how's your blood pressure these days?  1o5 over 75?  Hey, that's very good!  But your blood pressure isn't what this post is all about, is it?

No, it's not.  Miley Cyrus is what this post is all about, and I'm betting her blood pressure is perfectly normal.  Miley's problem is not high blood pressure.

Miley's problem is that Satan is currently in residence in her brain, her heart, her soul, and  -- last but certainly not least -- her nether regions.

You don't have to take my word for it.  Just watch the "We Can't Stop" video.  As my mother would say, "It's . . . different."

Here's what Idolator -- a music website that sounds like it is well-acquainted with Satan, too -- had to say about that video:

Have you watched Miley Cyrus's "We Can't Stop" music video yet?  Of course you have!  Have you recovered from it yet?  Probably not!  And that’s OK — a french fry skull is not for the faint of heart.  But you have to admit, if art is supposed to elicit reactions, than this video did its job.  Our own Sam Lansky said the visual is “like a party at Terry Richardson‘s house as filmed by David Fincher that you’re watching after drinking an entire bottle of Robitussin.”  We think that’s just about the most accurate description out there.  Also, he meant that as a total compliment.  

So does 2 or 3 lines, Miley.  Honest!

Click here to join the 315 million people who have viewed the official music video for "We Can't Stop":

Click here to buy the song from Amazon:

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