Talking Heads – "Road to Nowhere" (1985)

Takin' that ride to nowhere

We'll take that ride

My destination on day three of the 2 or 3 lines "Tour de Missouri" was Hartsburg, Missouri (population 103).  

Hartsburg is not exactly nowhere, but it's close enough for government work. 

The end of the second day of my Katy Trail adventure found me sound asleep in a Hampton Inn in Jefferson City, the capital of Missouri.

The next morning, I was enjoying the comprehensive free breakfast that Hampton Inns are justly renowned for when I overheard the following conversation between an older guest and the well-upholstered bottle blonde who was restocking the breakfast buffet:

Guest: What are you doing for the 4th of July?

Blonde: My fiancé and I are going to Truman Lake and watch the fireworks.

Guest: When are you and your fiancé getting married?

Blonde: I don't know – we're not in no hurry.  We've both been married before, so we want to make sure it's right before we do it.  But he can't seem to get rid of me, and I can't seem to get rid of him, so I guess we'll do it someday.

After breakfast, I rented a nice, almost-brand-new Specialized hybrid at the Red Wheel Bike Shop, which is just a block from the Missouri State Capitol.

My day-three bike and the Missouri River

From the store, it was only a few blocks to the US Route 54/63 bridge over the Missouri River.  The bridge features a cantilevered bicycle and pedestrian lane that takes you to a spur trail that connects to the Katy Trail a few miles north.

To get from the bridge down to ground level, bikers must negotiate this rather forbidding ramp, which requires eleven right-angle turns:

Here's another view of that ramp:

Needless to say, the ride down the ramp to the spur trail was a lot more fun than the ride back up to the bridge.

The North Jefferson station is very near the exact midpoint of the Katy Trail, and there's a marker there commemorating the joining of the eastern and western segments of the trail in 1996.

   

(No golden spike was needed to join the two halves of the Katy Trail.)

From North Jefferson it was ten miles west to Hartsburg, where I planned to grab a sandwich before turning around and riding back to Jefferson City.

Dotty's Cafe (Hartsburg, MO)

But when I got to Hartsburg, it turned out that the village's one eatery – the 1950s-themed Dotty's Cafe – was closed on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays.

Hartsburg has a bar that serves pizza if you feel like eating lunch at 4 PM (which is when the bar opens).  But according to the John Deere tractor clock at Dotty's, 4 PM was a long time away:

Unfortunately for me, Hartsburg doesn't have a grocery store, a 7-11, a gas station, or even a vending machine.

I knew from my westbound ride that there was nothing in the way of food or drink along the ten miles of trail between North Jefferson and Hartsburg.  So it looked like I was going to have to settle for the tepid, grassy-tasting H2O that came from the Katy Trail's water fountain. 

I was about to saddle up and ride back hungry when I saw someone working in the garden of Hartsburg's Globe Hotel, a bed and breakfast that caters to Katy Trail cyclists.  

Mark, one of the owners of the Globe, admitted that there was no place to buy food or drink in Hartsburg on a Wednesday at one in the afternoon, but offered to spot me a couple of bottles of blue Gatorade, which I gratefully accepted.

The Globe B&B (Hartsburg, MO)

Despite having fully replenished my precious bodily fluids with Gatorade – which is the official sports drink of the NFL, MLB, NBA, NHL, WNBA, and MLS as well as 2 or 3 lines – my ride back to Jefferson City was a bit of a struggle.

You see a lot of corn from the Katy Trail

It had rained the night before, which made the unpaved trail a little mushy – so it took more effort to propel the bike down the trail that it ordinarily would have.

Also, my bike was a tad small for me.  I was forced to lean forward more than I was used to, which fatigued my back, shoulders, and arms.

Finally, although I had filled up on scrambled eggs, sausages, waffles, and orange juice that morning, I had ridden far enough by this time to burn up almost all of those calories.  I was simply running out of fuel by the time I got back to the bike store at 4 PM or so.  (When you weigh 195 like I do, riding a bike at 12 MPH uses about 65 calories per mile.  So I had burned around 2000 calories by the time I finished my ride that day.)

I paid a quick visit to the Missouri State Capitol – more about that visit tomorrow – then headed off in search of sustenance.

I found it at the Prison Brews brewpub in downtown Jefferson City, which is only a few blocks from the old Missouri State Penitentiary, which operated from 1836 until 2004, and which is now open to the public.

Prison Brews features pseudo-prison decor – for example, the bar area is delineated with faux prison bars:

The names of the beers made and sold at Prison Brews are also prison-themed: Go to Jail Ale, Prison Town Brown Ale, Misdemeanor Maibock, and so on.

I thought about having one for the road at this intriguing bar, which was just down the block from Prison Brews:

The Shrunken Head Tropic Lounge (Jefferson City, MO)

But I didn't want to get pulled over on a DWI beef and end up in jail for real, so I hopped in my rental car and headed north to Columbia, Missouri, where I was spending the night.

"Road to Nowhere" is the last song on Little Creatures, the delightful album released in 1985 by the Talking Heads.

My oldest son was not quite two years old when I bought Little Creatures, so I took an immediate liking to another song on that album, "Stay Up Late":

Mommy had a little baby
There he is fast asleep
He's just a little plaything
Why not wake him up?

Cute, cute, little baby
Little pee-pee, little toes
Now he's comin' to me
Crawl across the kitchen floor

Here's "Road to Nowhere":

Click below to buy the song from Amazon:

Edie Adams – "Big Spender" (1966)

The minute you walked in the joint

I could see you were a man of distinction

A real big spender

(Hey, if the shoe fits . . . )

On day two of the 2 or 3 lines "Tour de Missouri," I rented a bike in Defiance, Missouri, rode it from Defiance to Dutzow (one of the oldest German immigrant communities in Missouri) and back to Defiance, and then hopped in my rental car and headed west on Missouri Route 94.

My first destination was the Blumenhof Winery, one of ten or so wineries accessible from Route 94 between Defiance and Dutzow.  

Blumenhof, which has been producing wine for about 30 years, uses mostly its own grapes.  (It buys the rest from local growers.) 

The majority of its wines are made from hybrid grape varieties that were bred to be grown in the United States, including the Vidal and Vignoles (which are made into white wines) and the Chambourcin and Cynthiana (which are made into reds).

The Cynthiana is genetically identical to the Norton, which is the official grape of Missouri.  The Cynthiana/Norton not only makes delicious red wines, but is high in anthocyanins, which are the antioxidant compounds that make blue, purple, and red fruits especially beneficial to your health.  So drink up, boys and girls!

After sampling half a dozen Blumenhof wines, I headed south across the Missouri River and then proceeded west along Missouri Route 100 until I reached New Haven, which is home to the Röbller Vineyard winery.

When I got to the Röbller tasting room, the winery's very personable owner – Robert Mueller – was on duty.  I not only got to taste some very nice wines, but also heard the story of how Röbller got started in 1988.  (The name "Röbller" is a contraction of "Robert Mueller.")  We ended up talking about wine, music, and other topics until well after the tasting room's posted closing time.

Robert Mueller

Like many Missouri wineries, Röbller produces a number of semi-sweet German-style white wines, including a Traminette (a hybrid grape that's related to one of my favorites, the Gewürztraminer).

Röbller grapes

But the tasting highlight of my visit to Röbller was its Norton, a red wine that was easily distinguishable from Bordeaux and Burgundy-type reds but just as enjoyable.  I bought a bottle of Röbller's 2011 Norton and enjoyed it greatly when I returned to my parents' home in Joplin a few days later.

*     *     *     *     *

From New Haven, I continued west to Hermann (population: 2431), which was founded by the German Settlement Society of Philadelphia in 1837.  

The statue of Hermann in Hermann

Hermann is German through and through.  It was named after Hermann der Cherusker, a Germanic warrior who defeated the invading Roman legions in the Battle of Teutoberg Forest in the year 9 A.D.

The town claims to be the sausage-making capital of Missouri, and the immediate area is home to seven wineries, including Stone Hill (the largest winery in Missouri).

Oktoberfest in Hermann

Hermann is a charming town.  There's nary a chain hotel to be found, but there are dozens of bed-and-breakfasts and guest houses.

Based on a local's recommendation, I ended up eating dinner at Wings A-Blazin', an unprepossessing restaurant on a side street that featured spicy chicken wings and "chicken lips" (which are sliced chicken breast pieces prepared like hot wings).

Wings A-Blazin' is an aviation-themed restaurant.  The facade of the building features a replica of a World War II fighter plane:

Inside there are airplane-related signs on the walls:

Here's another one:

Someone has made model airplanes out of beer and soda cans and hung them from the restaurant's ceiling:

The restaurant was crowded when I arrived, so I took a seat at the bar and ordered catfish fried in cornmeal, curly fries, and baked beans.

Wings A-Blazin' had an interesting selection of draft beers, including several from Missouri microbreweries:

The Wings A-Blazin' draft beer list

I struck up a conversation with the only other person eating at the bar, a young woman named Sarah.   (When I call a woman "young," that means younger than my daughters, who are 28 going on 29.)

Sarah was a soil engineer who was staying in Hermann temporarily while she worked on a construction project at a nearby nuclear generating station.  (I hope she studied hard when she was getting her engineering degree.  I wouldn't want a C student working on a nuclear power plant.)

We talked mostly about bike riding and music – she was a fan of the White Stripes and Sonic Youth, who are favorites of 2 or 3 lines, and recommended several other groups I wasn't familiar with. 

When I ordered a second beer, I bought one for Sarah as well.  Later, I found out that Wings A-Blazin' sold pints for two bucks on Tuesday nights.  "Hey, big spender," indeed!

*     *     *     *     *

Are you old enough to remember the Muriel Cigar TV commercial that featured Edie Adams singing "Big Spender," a Cy Coleman-Dorothy Fields song from the 1966 Broadway musical, Sweet Charity?  (You didn't have to be a big spender to smoke Muriel Cigars, which sold for a dime when that commercial was filmed.)

Edie Adams

Edie Adams earned degrees from the Juillard School of Music and the Columbia School of Drama, and also studied at the Actors Studio.

Adams first gained fame as the co-star of The Ernie Kovacs Show.  (She and Kovacs were married in 1954).  She appeared in dozens of other TV shows and a number of movies, and won a Tony for her portrayal of Daisy Mae in the musical Li'l Abner.  

When Adams died in 2008, the New York Times said she "both embodied and winked at the stereotypes of fetching chanteuse and sexpot blonde."  

Click here to listen to Edie Adams singing "Big Spender."

Monkees – "Last Train to Clarksville" (1966)

'Cause I'm leavin' in the morning

And I must see you again

The focus of the recent 2 or 3 lines "Tour de Missouri" was four days of bike rides on the Katy Trail, a recreational rail trail that follows the right-of-way of the former Missouri-Kansas-Texas ("M-K-T") Railroad in central Missouri.  (That railroad's stock exchange symbol was KT -- so it was commonly referred to as the "Katy.")

The Katy linked St. Louis, Kansas City, Joplin, Tulsa, Oklahoma City, Dallas-Ft. Worth, Austin, San Antonio, Houston, and Galveston.  It didn't pass through Clarksville, Arkansas, or Clarksville, Missouri, or Clarksville, Texas, or any other Clarksville – so the "Last Train to Clarksville" was not a Katy train.

A Katy Trail sign (Augusta, MO)

The Katy Trail follows the M-K-T's main line from suburban St. Louis to Clinton, Missouri, a small city southeast of Kansas City.  It's 240 miles long, which makes it the longest rail trail in the United States.

I described day one of the "Tour de Missouri" in the previous 2 or 3 lines.  It went relatively smoothly, but day two of the journey had a number of ups and downs.  

After spending the first night of the trip with friends in a suburb of St. Louis, I rose early the next morning and headed for Augusta, Missouri (population 253), to rent a bike for my second day's ride.

But the Augusta bike rental store wasn't open when I arrived at about 11 AM on a Tuesday.  

So I called the bike rental place in Defiance, which is about seven miles east of Augusta.  (Both businesses have the same owner.)  

Katy Bike Rentals (Defiance, MO)

The guy in charge of the Defiance store told me that the guy who ran the Augusta store usually didn't open until 4 PM on Tuesdays.  (If that was true, I'm not sure why he bothered opening on Tuesdays at all.)

I drove to Defiance on Missouri Route 94, a scenic highway that parallels the Missouri River.

Route 94 detour signs

Unfortunately, it had rained heavily the day before, and parts of Route 94 were under water.  So I had to take a long and winding detour to get to my destination.

Route 94: open for boats, but not for cars

When I finally arrived in Defiance, I got into my bike shorts and shirt, picked out a hybrid bike, and headed west along the trail.

But after riding about a mile, the bicycle's stem – the part that clamps on to the handlebars – became loose, which meant the handlebars were free to rotate forward and backward and to slide left and right while I was trying to ride:

I tried to keep the handlebars in place while riding back to Defiance for repairs, but it was impossible.  It looked like I was in for a long walk back to the bike shop to get the stem tightened.

But I was lucky.  I saw a biker going in the other direction shortly after I started walking, and flagged him down.  He had the tool I needed to tighten the stem and continue my trip without further delay.

A few miles west of Defiance, I saw a sign for the "Daniel Boone Judgment Tree Memorial."  

Boone, who was born in Pennsylvania in 1734, moved from Kentucky to Missouri in 1799.  What later became the Louisiana Territory was owned at that time by the Spanish.  

The famous frontiersman was granted 850 acres by the Spanish government and appointed to hear disputes between other settlers and issue judgments to settle those disputes.  He held court under a large tree on his son Nathan's land.  

In 1820, Boone died at Nathan's house in Defiance, which is open to the public today:

The Nathan Boone Home (Defiance, MO)

I biked west until I reached Dutzow, a small town that was settled by German immigrants in the 1830s:

Dutzow, MO

After quaffing a couple of bottles of V8 juice, I turned east and headed back to Defiance.

The area between Defiance and Dutzow is home to several wineries:

I had planned to stop on the return trip to have a beer at the Augusta Brew Haus, a microbrewery that gets good reviews and is located right on the trail.  

But it appears that the owners of that microbrewery are Third-Day Adventists, because it was closed.

That's a shame, because the list of beers on tap looked pretty good:

I was plenty thirsty when I finally made it back to Defiance.  (I had ridden about 30 miles altogether, which is nothing special, but is longer than I usually ride.)  

After chastising the bike-rental guy for not making sure my bike stem was tightened before renting me a bike, I headed to a dive bar across the street and had a pint of Faust, a Vienna-style lager brewed by Anheuser-Busch and sold only in the St. Louis area.  (Faust was originally brewed by Augustus Busch in 1884 for his friend Tony Faust, who owned a famous St. Louis restaurant.)

Speaking of the "Show-Me State," did you know that no state borders more other states than Missouri?  

One of the eight states that Missouri touches is Tennessee. (The others are Kentucky, Illinois, Iowa, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, and Arkansas.)

Missouri borders eight states

I guessing almost all of you could name Tennessee's two largest cities – Memphis and Nashville.  

Some of you will also know the next two biggest cities in the "Volunteer State" – Knoxville and Chattanooga.

But I'm betting that not a single one of you knew that the next biggest city in Tennessee is Clarksville, which is home to about 136,000 souls.

Tennessee borders eight states as well

A lot of people think that "Last Train to Clarksville" – the Monkees' first hit single – is about Clarksville, Tennessee.  

But Bobby Hart (who co-wrote the song and co-produced the record with Tommy Boyce) has said that "Last Train to Clarksville" has nothing to do with Tennessee's Clarksville.

Boyce and Hart also wrote "(I'm Not Your) Steppin' Stone" and "Valleri" for the Monkees, "Come a Little Bit Closer" for Jay and the Americans, and a number of other songs.

Tommy Boyce and Bobby Hart

But they saved their best song for themselves:  "I Wonder What She's Doing Tonight," which was a top ten hit single for Boyce and Hart in 1968, is one of the best three-minute pop songs ever.

Click here to read what 2 or 3 lines had to say about that song.

Speaking of "Last Train to Clarksville," it was popular in the fall when I was in 9th-grade.  I was one of three student managers for my junior high school's undefeated basketball team.  (If I had gone to a junior high with a crappy team, I might have actually made the team rather than having to settle for keeping stats.)

One of the other managers was a guy named Bob.  Bob and I persuaded the third student manager that Bob had written the words to "Last Train to Clarksville."  (As I recall, we claimed that the Monkees had stolen the song.)   

Here's "Last Train to Clarksville," which clearly was influenced by the Beatles' "Paperback Writer":

Click below to buy the song from Amazon:

Bee Gees – "Holiday" (1967)

Millions of eyes can see

Yet why am I so blind?

A couple of weekends ago, I went to my hometown (Joplin, Missouri) for my high-school reunion.  

My father was celebrating his 90th birthday the following weekend, and I thought it was important for me to be in Joplin for that as well.

I could have flown back to my home (Washington, DC) on the Monday after the reunion and returned to Joplin the following Friday.  But it takes so long so travel back and forth that it hardly seemed worth it.  So I decided to stay in Missouri and take a brief holiday instead.

My plan was to spend the weekdays between my two Joplin weekends seeing old friends, visiting a few of the numerous wineries and breweries in central Missouri, and riding parts of the Katy Trail, a bike trail that follows the former Missouri-Kansas-Texas Railroad right of way.  At 240 miles from end to end, the Katy Trail is the longest rail trail in the United States.

The day after the reunion was over, I headed east towards St. Louis on Interstate 44, which roughly parallels old Route 66.    

I saw a number of billboards on I-44 inviting travelers to visit Uranus, Missouri, which is supposedly the home of the Uranus Fudge Factory.  (Its slogan: "The Best Fudge Comes From Uranus.")

(I don't know about you, but I think the folks in Uranus are pulling our collective pud.)

I didn't stop in Uranus, but I did stop at a Route 66-themed rest stop east of Springfield.  

I was planning to meet several of my high-school friends in St. Louis for dinner that night.  But first I stopped in nearby St. Charles (Missouri's first capital city) to rent a bike and spend a couple of hours riding the eastern part of the Katy Trail.

The old St. Charles train station

I rented my bike just across the street from Frontier Park, where William Clark, Meriweather Lewis, and 40 other brave souls camped before embarking on their famous expedition up the Missouri River in May 1804.  

Clark had one hell of a big hat:

(You'll be hearing much more about Lewis and Clark in a future 2 or 3 lines.)

After my ride, I headed to the nearby Trailhead Brewing Company for a bargain pint:

That's right – three bucks (including tax)

Fortunately, the rental car I had picked up at the Kansas City airport came equipped with a Sirius/XM satellite radio.  I drove about 1300 miles during my nine-day Missouri sojourn, and the satellite radio was my only companion for most of those miles.

The Bee Gees are best known for the songs they contributed to the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack.  But before they became a disco act, they were a somewhat Beatles-ish pop group, with hits like "To Love Somebody," "I've Gotta Get a Message to You," and "I Started a Joke."

The Bee Gees (circa 1967)

Here's "Holiday," which made it to #16 on the Billboard "Hot 100" in 1967:

(Wow – those lyrics don't make any sense at all, do they?)

Click below to buy the song from Amazon: