The President has a sex tape
Your daughters aren’t safe at night!
I don’t know how Instagram’s algorithm works, and I don’t really want to know.
What I do know is that it feeds me a LOT of Family Feud videos.
I haven’t watched Family Feud on TV in many, many years. But based on the snippets from the show that Instagram sends to me, it’s clear that people haven’t gotten any smarter since Steve Harvey took over the show from John O’Hurley, who took it over from Richard Karn, who took it over from Louie Anderson, who took it over from Ray Combs, who took it over from Richard Dawson, who was the host when Family Feud first came on the air in 1976.
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| Steve Harvey |
(Yes, you read that right – Family Feud has been around for FIFTY YEARS!)
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The families who were on the Family Feud episode I saw on Instagram today are clearly among the dumbest people in the entire U. S. of A.
Although they might not been as dumb as the women who answered “A funeral” when Harvey asked her to name an occasion where people take a lot of photographs. (Weddings, birthdays, vacations, and family reunions were the correct answers.)
Click here to watch the Family Feud segment I watched today, which featured this question: “If all the U.S. presidents were alive, single, and ready to mingle, who would you date?”
The contestant who rang in first – an older African-American woman – responded “Barack Obama.” (In her dreams!)
But the hugely-pregnant player from the other team topped her by giving the #1 answer – John F. Kennedy.
(I was not surprised that Kennedy was the choice of 41 of the 100 people who were surveyed – younger people may not have chosen him, but he would be a runaway winner if you asked women of my generation.)
The next two contestants answered “Abe Lincoln” and “George Washington,” which were #4 and #5 on the list of correct answers.
I seriously doubt that any woman today would really want to date Abe or George, although they were both over six feet tall (which is important for many women) – I’m guessing they were picked because they’re the first two men that people think of when they’re asked to name Presidents.
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The next contestant stunned Harvey by answering “Madison.”
James Madison – our fourth President – was kind of a big deal. He is known as the “Father of the Constitution” thanks to his role in drafting that document and getting the states to ratify it. He also persuaded Thomas Jefferson – who he served as Secretary of State – to move ahead with the Louisiana Purchase.
But at five feet four inches tall, Madison was our shortest President. In fact, he was the only President who was shorter than his wife:
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| Dolley Madison was three inches taller than her husband |
I’m sorry, but there are very few women out there interested in dating a guy who’s only five-foot-four. Not surprisingly, Madison was not on the Family Feud list.
The team picked up a second strike when the next family member answered “George Bush.” Although that answer turned out to be wrong, it wasn’t a bad choice strategy-wise because there are TWO George Bushes. So the team had two shots to win with that answer, not just one.
The next contestant to answer pulled her team’s chestnuts out of the fire by answering “Bill Clinton.” Clinton barely made the list – only two of the people surveyed picked him.
That surprised me – I figured he would rank higher. Several women I know who were introduced to Clinton at political events in Washington admitted to me that they got a little weak in the knees during those encounters.
Maybe the wording of the question confused them. The question asked you to name a President who was “single and ready to mingle.” Clinton is not single, of course, but he is clearly ready to mingle at the drop of a hat.
It turns out that the #3-ranked answer to the question was “Ronald Reagan.” Reagan was a good-looking former movie star, and had a winning personality. But I figured that his politics might disqualify him from consideration by a lot of women. Also, he was our oldest President – I assumed that his age was work against him. (After all, the Presidents who ranked #1 and #2 on the Family Feud list were the two youngest to hold that office.
I found it very encouraging that so many of the women surveyed picked a man who was 77 years old when he left office as the President they would most like to date.
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The pressure was on the next contestant – there was only one name left on the list of correct answers, and if she didn’t pick the right President, the other team would have a chance to win.
At first blush, the man she named – Robert Kennedy – was an excellent response. RFK was youthful, good-looking, and came from a wealthy family.
There was just one problem with the answer. ROBERT KENNEDY WAS NEVER PRESIDENT.
BZZZZZ!
That gave the other team a chance to steal the win. But the team member whose turn it was to answer gave an even more puzzling response: “Benjamin Franklin.”
Franklin was one of the most important of our Founding Fathers, but he never sought the Presidency. When voters went to the polls in 1788 to elect the first President, Franklin was 82 years old – and in failing health to boot. Like most people – but not all, as recent history demonstrates – he had the self-awareness to realize that someone as old and frail as he was had no business running for President.
If he had ever been President, old Ben would have been a good bet to make the Family Feud list. Franklin never married, so he certainly met the “single and ready to mingle” test. And while he certainly didn’t look like a ladies’ man, appearances can be deceiving.
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| Appearances can be deceiving! |
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Unlike some men, Franklin didn’t limit himself to women younger than he was – he appreciated des femmes d'un certain âge.
In fact, in a letter titled “Advice to a Friend on Choosing a Mistress,” Franklin identified a number of advantages to older paramours – among other things, they are better conversationalists, are less likely to become pregnant, and exhibit “greater prudence in conducting an intrigue.”
Ben went on to offer an explicit evaluation of the physical advantages and disadvantages of high-mileage mistresses:
The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.
I’m convinced!
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So who was the last President on the Family Feud list? Good ol’ Thomas Jefferson – our third President.
Like Franklin (not to mention Clinton and JFK), Jefferson was a big fan of extramarital sex. We’ll have more to say about Jefferson’s famous affair with one of his slaves, Sally Hemings, in the next 2 or 3 lines.
In the meantime, click here to enjoy “The President Has a Sex Tape,” which was released by K. Flay in 2017.
Click here to buy “The President Has a Sex Tape” from Amazon.
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