Carrie Underwood -- "Two Black Cadillacs" (2012)

And the preacher said he was a good man

And his brother said he was a good friend

But the women in the two black veils didn't bother to cry

Let me give all you males out there a little advice.  You most definitely do not want to give Carrie Underwood a reason to be p*ssed off at you.

Last year, 2 or 3 lines featured Miz Underwood's 2006 hit, "Before He Cheats."  In that song, the singer catches her boyfriend slow dancing with a bleached-blond tramp -- et tu, Carrie? -- and then goes all medieval on his shiny new pickup truck.

Carrie Underwood

To wit:

1.  She keys the side of the pickup;

2.  She carves her name into his leather seats with a knife;

3.  She takes a Louisville Slugger to his headlights; and

4.  She slashes all four of his tires.

As I pointed out at the time, if a man had released a song glorifying revenge against a woman, he would have no doubt been crucified in the press.  But apparently the New York Times and Huffington Post and MSNBC have no problem with a song that glorifies violence and vigilantism as long as it's a female dishing it out to a male.

By the way, "Before He Cheats" was the #1 song on the Billboard "Hot Country Songs" chart for five weeks and won the 2007 Grammy for "Country Song of the Year."  It eventually sold some four million digital downloads.

So I guess we shouldn't be surprised that Carrie Underwood released another revenge song a few years later -- namely, "Two Black Cadillacs," from her Blown Away album, which 2 or 3 lines is featuring today.  

I heard today's featured song for the first time while driving home from Cape Cod last month.  I was driving south through Westchester County, NY, on the Taconic State Parkway, obsessively hitting the "scan" button on my car radio, when "Two Black Cadillacs" caught my attention.

The song is about two women who meet at a funeral after conspiring to kill the man who is one's husband and the other's lover.  

How did the wife found out about the girlfriend?  Her dopey husband pulled the oldest boner in the book -- he called or texted the girlfriend on his cell phone and didn't delete her number:

Two months ago his wife called the number on his phone

Turns out he'd been lying to both of them for so long

They decided then he’d never get away with doing this to them

The two of them introduce themselves, exchange a few pleasantries, and plot to murder the unsuspecting bozo who's boffing them both.  

The song doesn't specify how they did the dirty deed.  If you want all the gory details, you have to watch the music video:

(Does the video remind you just a little of Christine, the Stephen King novel about the classic car that kills a bunch of people after it becomes possessed by a dead man's evil spirit?)

To say the video is a bit confusing is the understatement of the year.  For one thing, it's not clear whether Carrie Underwood's character is the wife or the girlfriend.

And according to the song, "the first and last time [the two women] saw each other face to face" was at the cemetery.  But in the video, both women are present when the dude receives the coup de grace from the black Cadillac.

But let's not get all hung up on petty details.  After all, as our old friend Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds."

The extremely brown-eyed
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Of course, Ralph Waldo Emerson was so full of sh*t that his eyes were brown.  Just sayin'.  

Speaking of being full of sh*t, you ought to read the explanations of "Two Black Cadillacs" that people have posted on one website.

Here is the interpretation that was voted #1 by those who visited this website.  (Whoever wrote this has a vivd imagination, possibly fueled by reading too many bad romance novels.)

Carrie plays the unassuming lover who finds out that her man is married when his wife calls her number from his cell phone.  Distraught with heartache and then an embittered, passionate anger, both women plot to get their revenge.  While Carrie's character manipulates the man into a dark alleyway . . . the wife drives into the ally and corners her unsuspecting husband.  Pleading for his life, the husband yells, "No, don't do it," but the plan must be completed to lay the heartache to rest.  Revving up the engine the wife finishes the blood crimson deed by ramming him into the ally wall. 

In a seeming reference to the 70's and 80's ghost car movies such as Christine, the car has spookily healed its damage and the now dead husband is forever stuck to the car in his ghostly state and a servant to the forever blood-stained damaged women.

Some of the interpretations of the song are from outer space.  Like this one, which is so out there that it's mind-boggling:

"THEY had a secret to hide" . . . RIGHT?  That being said . . . yes he was married . . . and yes there was a girl friend . . . But . . . what if [the] wife and Carrie were in love and the only way to be together was to kill him . . . so they did.

Or this one, which is equally absurd:

I think the plot is more sinister than what it appears.  I think that the wife and mistress knew about each other.  One took care of him during the day and the other at night.  I think the phone number was to some child pronography and the 2 women could not tolerate that at all and killed him.

Spelling is not a strength of the people who post to that website:

That is exactly why you don't mess with woman!  If you cheat on your wife, you're basically looking death strait in the face.

This one not only misspells "alley" but also mangles the famous William Congreve quote:

Ummm he was run over by a car it was a trap the girlfriend lured him to an ally and his wife (in a car) ran him over :)
Hell Has No Fury like a woman's scorn

(Close, but no cigar)

Finally, here's my absolute favorite:

Interoperate it how you want.  It means what you want it to mean.

That's sooooo deep, isn't it?  And I don't know how I've lived so long without using the word "interoperate."

The Clintons' Bedford Hills manse

By the way, the Taconic State Parkway -- the road I was driving on when I first heard "Two Black Cadillacs" -- passes just west of Bedford Hills, a tony suburb that is home to Bill and Hillary Clinton, who bought an $11 million mansion there a few years ago.  (The house is 7000 square situated on 20 acres, and comes equipped with a heated pool, wine cellar, stable, and two guest houses.)  

So I suddenly had a vision of Hillary and Monica Lewinsky, both in black veils, attending Bubba's funeral after conspiring to off the horny old galoot:

Or Hillary and Paula Jones:

Or Hillary and Gennifer Flowers:

Or Hillary and Kathleen Willey:

Or Hillary and Bill's current paramour, who Secret Service agents describe as a busty blonde known as "Energizer":

Or Hillary and . . . well, you get the idea.

Once more, here's "Two Black Cadillacs":

Click below to buy the song from Amazon:

Carrie Underwood -- "Before He Cheats" (2006)

Right now, she's probably saying "I'm drunk"

And he's thinking that he's gonna get lucky

("Probably"?  Ha!  Ain't no "probably" about it.  To borrow a word coined by a very dear friend, he is abso-frickin'-lutely thinking he's gonna get lucky.)

*     *     *     *     *

This is the second 2 or 3 lines in a row that features a country song.  But don't worry, gentle readers – country music isn't going to become the predominant genre here.

After writing about Toby Keith's "How Do Like Me Now?!" – a paean to getting even with those who do you wrong – I was reminded of this little ditty, which is equally bullish on the pleasures of revenge.

Toby Keith's character got even with a girl who blew him off in high school by becoming a big star.  His unadulterated glee when she was victimized by her cheating husband was a bit unseemly, but he had nothing to do with making her miserable – his hands were clean.  

Compare the singer in Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats."  When she catches her boyfriend "slow dancing with a bleached-blond tramp," she gets even by going all medieval on his pickup truck.  

(Note: I don't know that much about Carrie Underwood.  But based on her appearance and demeanor in the "Before He Cheats" music video, I would say that we may have a case here of the pot calling the kettle a bleached-blond tramp.)

First, the vengeful young lady keys the side of the vehicle.  Then she carves her name into his leather seats.  (Pickup trucks have leather seats?  Who knew?)  Next she takes a Louisville Slugger to his headlights.  Finally, she administers the coup de grace, slashing all four of his tires.

Speak softly, and carry a Louisville Slugger

*     *     *     *     *

What I'm about to say will make me sound like a whiny little you-know-what, but it needs to be said.  Why the hell is it considered acceptable for a woman to abuse a man in ways that would get a guy neutered (figuratively, and perhaps literally) if he did the same stuff to a woman?

Let's face the facts.  There's a double standard in our culture when it comes to violence and abuse inflicted on someone by a member of the opposite sex.  A man can't even think of touching (or threatening to touch) a woman in anger without exposing himself to serious consequences – AND THAT IS ABSOLUTELY THE WAY IT SHOULD BE!  But when a woman whales away on a guy, a lot of people respond very differently.

Former lovebirds Finley and Kitaen

Consider the reaction to baseball pitcher Chuck Finley getting beat up by his wife, "actress" Tawny Kitaen, who had previously been married to Whitesnake's lead singer, David Coverdale – Finley became a laughingstock.

Kitaen was arrested for domestic abuse after repeatedly kicking Finley with her high heels in 2002.  Finley not only suffered physically, but had to put up with everyone sniggering at his inability to defend himself from a woman.  As one ESPN.com writer put it at the time,

He [will face] constant heckling for the rest of his career and the distinct possibility that despite nearly 200 career wins and more than 2000 strikeouts, he will be forever remembered as the 6-foot-6 pitcher who got beat up by the chick in the Whitesnake videos. 

By the way . . . Tawny Kitaen didn't spend a day in jail.  And when Finley filed for divorce three days after she assaulted him, she had the nerve to sue him for breach of contract.  (According to Ms. Kitaen, Finley had promised to support her for the rest of her life.  Did she think that promise held even if she decided to kick the crap out of him?)

Tawny Kitaen

*     *     *     *    *

Can you imagine the public outcry if a male country singer recorded a song about trashing a female's vehicle after catching her doing the dirty with another guy?  He would be absolutely crucified in the media.  Chris Matthews, Rachel Maddow, and their fellow blowhards would talk about nothing else for weeks.

But I don't recall the New York Times or Huffington Post pursing their editorial lips in disapproval of Carrie Underwood's glorification of violence and vigilantism when this song was released.  

If you're a woman, tell the truth: did you hiss "The rotten b*stard deserved it!" sotto voce when you first heard "Before He Cheats" on the radio?  (I thought so.)

*     *     *     *     *

"Before He Cheats" was named the "Single of the Year" by the Country Music Association.  It is Carrie Underwood's biggest hit, and is the fourth-highest selling country music single of all time.  ("How Do You Like Me Now?!" was also a highly successful single.  Revenge songs are a good bet if you're a country singer looking to jumpstart your career.)

Here's the music video for "Before He Cheats":

Usually I put a link you can use to buy the featured song from Amazon at the end of my posts.  But I've got enough on my conscience without making money from the sale of "Before He Cheats."