David Bowie – "Five Years" (1972)

We’ve got five years

That’s all we've got

In The King and I, Anna – a widowed British schoolteacher who has agreed to move halfway around the world to tutor the children of the King of Siam – advises her anxious young son to “whistle a happy tune” whenever he is afraid.

Acting nonchalant when you’re in a scary situation does two things, she explains.  First, your false bravado fools other people.  More importantly, you can fool yourself:

The result of this deception

Is very strange to tell

For when I fool the people I fear

I fool myself as well

*     *     *     *     *

I used to be a pretty good whistler.  But I seem to have lost that ability.

If I had been whistling a couple of days ago, it would have been to conceal the anxiety I was feeling about my upcoming colonoscopy.  But now that the procedure is over and done with, any whistling that I’m able to do is in celebration of the fact that it’s FIVE YEARS until I have to undergo the procedure again.

*     *     *     *     *

I’m sure that those of you who have had a colonoscopy will agree that the procedure (done under sedation) is a piece of cake compared to the preparation for the procedure.

My particular colonoscopy “prep” was called GoLYTELY.  Whoever came up with that name is a very sick person who should be allowed to marry and have children.  (The “Go” part of the name was certainly accurate, but the “LYTELY” part was certainly not.)

The unpleasantness of going without food for a day and a half pales in comparison to the misery of having to drink eight glasses of GoLYTELY the evening before the colonoscopy, and eight more glasses the morning of the procedure.

GoLYTELY’s primary active ingredient is polyethylene glycol 3350, an osmotic laxative that induces watery diarrhea.  The idea is to empty the colon so completely that your doctor has a perfectly clear view of the colon walls.  

The product also contains essential electrolytes to prevent the dangerous dehydration that might otherwise occur from such rapid fluid loss. 

I can report that guzzling 16 glasses of GoLYTELY worked like a charm for me – after the procedure was over, my doctor gave my colon two thumbs up for emptiness.  

Looking back on the experience, I have to wonder if it was really necessary to consumer 16 doses of laxative in a 16-hour period to achieve the desired effect – perhaps that was a bit of overkill.  

But better safe than sorry – right?  After all, I wouldn’t have wanted to be the woman in the waiting area next to mine.  I overheard her doctor tell her that she would have to redo the procedure in three months because her prep wasn’t as successful as mine was.  “I couldn’t get very far,” he explained to her.

(I never wanted to be a doctor.  But if I had to be one, gastroenterology would be very low on my list of preferred specialties.) 

*     *     *     *     *

“Five Years” – the opening track of David Bowie’s legendary 1972 album, The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars – warns the listener that the end of the world is coming soon: “Five years, that’s all we’ve got.”

Five years may not be a long time to stave off an apocalypse.  But I’m not complaining that I only have five years before I have to undergo another colonoscopy – after all, there’s a good chance that I’ll have the last laugh and be dead by then!

Click here to listen to “Five Years.”

Click here to buy “Five Years” from Amazon.