Turbonegro – "Back to Dungaree High" (1998)

Just a soul on ice

With a mirror and a blade

And a pocket full of mice

The typical American flushes an average of 141 rolls of toilet paper annually – more than the citizens of any other country.  (U. S. A.!  We’re number one!  U. S. A.!  We’re number one!) 

Americans use twice as much toilet paper per capita than the French.  (I’m guessing the French score even worse relative to the U.S. when it comes to deodorant use.) 

Did you know that 70% of the world’s population doesn’t use toilet paper at all?

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Angel Soft is the best-selling toilet paper in  America, but I’m a Cottonelle guy.

I recently found myself on the Cottonelle toilet paper website – no, I’m not going to tell you why – which contains a lot of really interesting stuff about toilet paper.   

For example, there’s an article titled “Over or Under: Both Sides of the Toilet Paper Debate,” which lays out the relative advantages of “over” or “under” toilet-paper positioning.  It also notes that 19% of people admit to having changed the orientation of the toilet paper in someone else’s house.  (That’s just plain weird.)

If you had read “Washroom Anxiety: How to Poop in Public,” you’d know that quite a few people become anxious when they have to use a toilet away from their home.  You’d also know that “paruresis” and “parcopresis” are the scientific terms for difficulty going #1 and #2 in public restrooms.  (I was glad to learn that because it might come up in bar trivia some day.)

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My favorite article on the Cottonelle website is “How to Wipe Your Butt the Right Way,”which includes the following discussion of the different ways people hold their toilet paper:   

Interestingly enough, there are a variety of different ways people hold their toilet paper.  The good news is there isn’t a right or wrong way to do it.  You get to choose whatever way you like best:

Folding

Generally preferred by men, folders will fold the toilet paper into neat squares before they wipe.  54% of people claim to be a folder, although the majority is heavily skewed toward the male demographic.

Crumpling

Crumplers will press the toilet paper into a loosely shaped ball before they wipe.  26% of the population use this method although the statistics show that mostly women opt to use this method.

Hand Wrapping

The remaining 9% are classified as wrappers. They wrap the toilet paper around their hand to form a rudimentary glove they then use to wipe with.

I have only two things to say about all that:

1.  Please contact 2 or 3 lines if you are a “wrapper” – I have some questions for you.

2.  54% plus 26% plus 9% doesn’t add up to 100%.  (What about the remaining 11%?)

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I moved on from the Cottonelle website after reading “Holding Toilet Paper: Advanced Wiping Techniques.”

But you may want to peruse “First Off: Do You Always Need to Wipe?,” or “To Sit or Stand During Wiping,” or “Front to Back, or Back to Front?,” or one of the many other toilet paper-related articles you can find at www.cottonelle.com.

(What does the guy who wrote those articles say when a woman he met on a dating site asks him what kind of work he does?)

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Today’s featured song is on the soundtrack of The Worst Person in the World, a 2021 film by Norwegian director Joachim Trier that I highly recommend.

Click here to read the Wikipedia page about Turbonegro, the Norwegian deathpunk band that released “Back to Dungaree High” in 1998.  When I read it, I wondered if someone had written it as a prank – it’s that bizarre.

Here’s one excerpt:

Initially, the band had two running ideas for band names: Nazipen*s and Turbonegro.  They were advised that a band named Nazipen*s would never sell records, so they chose Turbonegro as a more consumer-friendly choice.

Click here to listen to “Back to Dungaree High.”

Click here to buy “Back to Dungaree High” from Amazon.