X – "I Must Not Think Bad Thoughts" (1983)

I must not think bad thoughts!

I must not think bad thoughts!

I must not think bad thoughts!

Have you met my landlord, Mr. Macbeth?

From act 2, scene 2 of Shakespeare’s Scottish play:

Methought I heard a voice cry “Sleep no more!

Macbeth does murder sleep,” the innocent sleep,

Sleep that knits up the ravell’d sleeve of care,

The death of each day’s life, sore labour’s bath,

Balm of hurt minds, great nature’s second course,

Chief nourisher in life’s feast . . .

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Signs that read as follow were posted all over my apartment building yesterday:

Please be aware that the fire alarm will be sounding off 4/4/2024 between 9 AM to 5 PM.

I’ve been going to bed too late and waking up too early the last few days, but I was sleeping soundly this morning when the fire alarm went off at 8:55 AM – a slightly premature start.  My landlord – let's call him “Mr. Macbeth,” shall we? – couldn’t have waited until 9:00 AM to begin the testing?

There’s a speaker directly over my bed, so the fire warning came through loud and clear.  Click here to hear it.

I would have thought three or four repetitions of the recorded message would have been plenty to test the system.  But I swear they played the warning at least a hundred times.  

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The rest of the day was just as bad.

I spent the next hour on the phone trying to figure out how to file my federal income tax return without also filing my state return.  (TurboTax wants me to pay $64 to file a state return, but my state has a free website that I’ve used for years – it works very well.  I thought about saying the hell with it and just paying the damn $64, but after wasting half an hour on the phone with them, there was no f*cking way I was going to give another penny to TurboTax.)  

The next half hour was spent on the phone with my online brokerage.  I was trying to do an online transaction so I would have enough cash to pay my income taxes, but I kept getting error messages.  So I had to call a rep and do the transaction over the phone.

It’s been a l-o-n-g time since I’ve been in a fouler mood than I was in at the end of that call.  (Like maybe two or three days?)  

Winning at trivia would have cleansed my palate of the bad taste the first half of the day had left in my mouth.  My team got off to a great start – we had a perfect score and a decent lead at the halfway point – but we inexplicably screwed up a relatively easy question about the Liberty Bell, and ended up out of the money.  Poopy!

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Upon my return home from trivia, I found this e-mail from my landlord in my inbox:

Good morning. 

I hope this finds everyone well.  We were informed today that, as part of the fire alarm testing, we need to enter each apartment.  Originally, they thought they could perform the test without.  They will only crack your door open.  Confirm they can hear the alarm sounding.  Then they will close the door. 

Apologize for any inconvenience this may cause. Please reach out to the office with any questions or concerns. 

Sincerely, 

[Mr. Macbeth] 

That e-mail didn’t specify what time this will all take place, but I’m betting on 8:55 AM.

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I can assure you that there is no need for the maintenance staff to open the apartment doors to hear the alarm – that motherf*cker is plenty loud enough to hear through the door.  

I can only imagine how long it will take the maintenance staff to go to each and every one of the several hundred apartments in my 18-story building, unlock each door, open it, stick their head in to verify that the speakers in each apartment are working, and then close the door and lock it before moving on to the next unit.  (Hopefully they’ll use the stairs to go from floor to floor rather than waiting for an elevator, WHICH CAN TAKE FOREVER.)

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“I Must Not Think Bad Thoughts” was released in 1983 on X’s fourth studio album, More Fun in the New World.  That album was produced by Ray Manzarek, who is best known as the co-founder and keyboard player of the Doors.

Click here to listen to “I Must Not Think Bad Thoughts.”

Click here to buy that recording from Amazon.