Rolling Stones – "Short and Curlies" (1974)

It’s too bad

She’s got you by the b*lls

Do any of you happen to have a phone number or e-mail address for Stephen King?

If so, could you send it to me?  I have an idea for a book or movie that I think he would love!

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Years ago, I knew a couple who owned a male black Lab that had never been neutered.  I think his name was Randy, or maybe Rowdy.  (Either one would have been appropriate.)

That dog was always running away in search of female companionship.  When his quest for a little doggie lovin’ was unsuccessful, he would hump any neighborhood children who were friendly to him.

One day, he got overly excited playing with a teenage girl and started thrusting at her until he made a mess all over her blue jeans.

After that, the horrified wife insisted to her husband that they take the dog to the vet and get him castrated.  But the husband would have no part of it.

“If I let you get the dog fixed,” he told his wife, “next thing you’ll want to do is get me fixed.”

(True dat!)

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I was reminded of that couple and their dog at trivia a few nights ago.  I was hanging around having a beer after leading my team to a hard-fought victory, when one of the women sitting at the bar mentioned that she having minor outpatient surgery in a few days.

“If you’re not having general anesthesia, you should ask the doctor if you could watch while he does the surgery,” one of her friends suggested.

“I watched when my husband had his vasectomy,” another woman announced.  

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,” I thought to myself.  “What kind of harpy would enjoy watching while her husband underwent a vasectomy?”

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Actually, I think a lot of women would enjoy watching while their husbands got “fixed.”

In fact, I think more than a few of them would be happy to personally perform the procedure if they had the chance. 

I don’t think any man alive would want a scalpel-wielding wife anywhere near his private parts.  “Have you had any affairs since we got married?” I can just hear her asking while in the middle of doing the ol’ snip-snip.  “Don’t lie to me!”

If that’s not a more terrifying scenario that those that King dreamed up in The Shining or Carrie or Cujo or even Misery, I don’t know what is.

Actually, forget about sending me King’s phone number or e-mail address.  I bet I can write the book or screenplay myself and sell it for at least a million bucks.  

Why share any of that cash with King?  He’s got plenty of do-re-mi already.

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It’s Only Rock ’n’ Roll – which the Stones released in 1974 – isn’t in the same class as their very best albums (e.g., Let It Bleed and Sticky Fingers), but it’s not bad.  In fact, it may be the best of their post-Exile on Main St. albums.

“Short and Curlies” – it’s the obvious choice for today’s featured song – has never been performed in concert by the Stones.    

Click here to listen to “Short and Curlies.”

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