R.E.M. – "Stand" (1989)

Now face north

Think about direction

Wonder why you haven't before

I’ve believed for years that older people are smarter than younger people.  A recent poll by YouGovUS proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am right.

That poll asked 8215 Americans a very simple question: “Do you believe that the world is round or flat?”

Believe it or not, only 66% of millennials aged 18 to 24 answered “I have always believed that the world is round.”  While only 4% responded “I have always believed the world is flat,” another 9% said “I always thought the world was round, but more recently I am having doubts.”  And 16% chose “Not sure.”

By comparison, 76% of those aged 25 to 34, 82% of those aged 35 to 44, 85% of those aged 45 to 54, and 94% of those aged 55 and over responded “I have always believed the world is round.”  

In other words, the older you get, the smarter you are.

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I find it absolutely dumbfounding that only two-thirds of young adults are sure that the earth is round.

What’s the explanation for this remarkable finding?  Is it the result of bad public school education?  Is it due to overindulgence in drugs and alcohol?

B.o.B.

Is it because certain celebrities who are popular among millennials – including musician Father John Misty, rapper B.o.B., and NBA star Kyrie Irving – believe that the earth is flat?

(Last year, B.o.B. created a GoFundMe page in hopes of raising enough money to fund a private space exploration program that would prove once and for all that the earth is flat.  His goal was $1 million, but so far he has raised only $6893.  Millennials may be dumb, but they’re not that dumb.)

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If the YouGovUS “flat earth” poll’s results aren’t enough to persuade you that millennials are dopes, maybe the “Screenholder Shower Curtain” will convince you.

The “Screenholder Shower Curtain” is a clear plastic shower curtain with pockets that allow you to use your smart phone or tablet while you’re in the shower.

Simply slip your phone or tablet into one of the 17 pockets on the outside of the curtain – some are horizontal and some are vertical, and they are positioned to accommodate both short and tall users.  The plastic is fully conductive, so you can interact with your devices while you’re in the shower – respond to e-mails and texts, watch videos, or even take selfies if you dare:

Obviously this product was designed for millennials.  (Anthony Weiner is also a potential customer, of course.)  

The possibility of accidentally posting a selfie of one’s naked, wet, wrinkled body is so horrific to people of my age that we’re not about to let one of these shower curtains anywhere near our bathrooms.  

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I’m not sure that Michael Stipe and the other members of R.E.M. are flat-earthers, but the lyrics to their 1989 hit, “Stand” – which guitarist Peter Buck described as “the stupidest song we’ve ever written” – aren’t inconsistent with such a belief.

R.E.M.

And the group’s “Man on the Moon” seems to suggest that NASA faked the moon landings. 

Just sayin’.

Here’s “Stand”:

Click below to buy the song from Amazon: