I don't need a man
To make it happen
Gentlemen, we’re in b-i-g trouble.
Back in the day, women needed men to go hunting and bring back fresh meat while they stayed in their caves taking care of the kids. But now that we have nannies and au pairs and the 19th Amendment and the Equal Pay Act and no-fault divorce, women are not as dependent on men as they once were.
But males are still indispensable to women, right? After all, you can’t create babies without sperm. And without a fresh supply of babies, the human race would soon disappear.
Hold your horses, bucko. Scientists have discovered a population of female salamanders who have figured out a way to reproduce by cloning themselves – no males necessary.
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| A unisexual salamander |
You might think that these unisexual salamanders are at an evolutionary disadvantage to salamanders that reproduce sexually. After all, conventional male-female sexual reproduction introduces a heapin’ helpin’ of genetic diversity into the process. Without such genetic diversity, a species is at a real disadvantage.
That’s why we men try to plant our seed in every woman we meet. We don’t really enjoy having sex with women, but we know we must do our duty and spread our DNA far and wide for the good of the human species.
But this group of salamanders has figured out a way around the problems usually associated with asexual reproduction.
From Quartz.com:
Most salamanders mate externally – males deposit “sperm packets” for females to pick up. Through a mechanism science hasn’t completely worked out, unisexual salamanders are able to sidle over and steal DNA from these packets, in what [one scientist] calls “sneaky sex.” The stolen genetic material triggers them to lay eggs virtually free of the unwitting sperm donors’ genes.
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| The crocus has unisexual flowers |
It’s a reproductive strategy known as “kleptogenesis” – essentially, reproduction by theft.
“On paper,” [the scientist] said, “it’s the perfect way to reproduce: there are no males to take up resources, every female gets to pass on all of her genetic material, but they still get a new shot of genetic variation occasionally.”
(That scientist may think that’s “the perfect way to reproduce,” but I beg to differ.)
More from Quartz.com:
When their tails were cut off, according to the new research, the unisexual salamanders regrew them 1.5 times faster than sexually-reproducing peers. Being able to regrow a tail quickly is a huge competitive advantage for [these salamanders], as it’s much better to offer predators an expendable limb than, say, a head.
Once human females figure out how their salamander sisters are able to pull this off, it’s all over for us males.
Wake up and smell the cat food, guys. Do you really think women put up with us because of our charm and good looks?
Wake up and smell the cat food, guys. Do you really think women put up with us because of our charm and good looks?
Ha! All they care about is glomming on to a guy’s DNA before their biological clock strikes midnight.
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| (Beats the hell out of me) |
As of today, only a male homo sapiens can give a female homo sapiens the DNA she craves. But that may not be the case for long.
* * * * *
“I Don’t Need a Man” was released in 2005 on the Pussycat Dolls’ debut album, PCD.
The song was co-written by Kara DioGuardi, a very successful pop songwriter who is best known from American Idol. (She was one of Idol’s judges in its eighth and ninth seasons.)
Here’s “I Don’t Need a Man”:
Click below to buy the song from Amazon:
Posts
There's an old story about a young woman up in them thar hills lamenting to her Ma, "Mama, here I am 18 and a half y'ars old and I ain't got a husbin yet." "Hush your fuss, Sally Mae. You got a hound dog that sleeps all day, a tomcat that prowls around all night, a parrot that cusses and a mule that won't work. What d'ya need a husbin for?"
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