Friday, September 23, 2016

Albert Collins – "Too Many Dirty Dishes" (1986)

Too many dirty dishes in the sink just for us two
You got me wondering, baby
Who's makin' dirty dishes with you?

You would think that the invention of the personal computer would have resulted in such an increase in workplace productivity that everyone would be working a four-day week and taking the whole month of August as a vacation (like the French do).

My theory is that for every hour that an office worker saves by being equipped with a computer, he or she wastes an hour screwing around on the Internet – watching cat videos, posting photos to Instagram, playing fantasy sports, or watching porn.  So there’s no net increase in the productivity of the American work force.

To wit . . .

Someone recently sent me a link to a piece of clickbait titled 30 People Share The Biggest “Lazy Genius” Moment Of Their Lives.

Most of the 30 ideas on this list were unbelievably lame:

Started brushing my teeth in the shower. Saves a bunch of time in the morning.

How exactly does that save time, Mr. Genius?  I’ve got a better idea.  You pee in the shower — it doesn’t save time, but it saves water — so you’re helping save the planet at the same time.  (You do care about protecting the environment, don’t you?)

When I make a can of soup for myself, I just use the pot as a bowl.  Half the dishes.

I’ve been doing that since I went to college, and I’m betting you have as well.  We don’t need some website to tell us some elementary trick that everyone has already figured out.

I used to pretend to be asleep after car rides so my dad would have to carry me inside.

Sad — very sad.  (Whoever contributed this item is obviously a big loser.)

Had to write a paper on existentialism.  Had to write a paper on Billy Budd.  Wrote one paper on the existentialist aspects of Billy Budd and turned copies in for each course.

That’s not a bad idea, I guess.  

When I was a freshman in high school I was a member of the academic team. . . . During one of the competitions there was a challenge to create some sort of aircraft from paper, and the one that went the furthest would win the challenge and receive a certain amount of points.  Anyways, our group took the paper and made a paper ball, easily outclassing all the paper airplanes that other teams made and winning the competition.

I actually like that idea.  Let all your fellow nerds waste an hour folding up a piece of paper in a hundred different ways in the hope that your final design will have a tiny edge when it come to aerodynamics.  You simply wad up your piece of paper into a ball and throw it as far as you can — no fuss, no muss.

Here’s my favorite tip from 30 People Share The Biggest “Lazy Genius” Moment Of Their Lives:

I was out of clean dishes, so rather than wash my dirty dishes I wrapped a dirty plate in plastic wrap and ate off it.

I like that idea . . . I like it a lot!  It doesn’t really save you any time or effort — it would probably be easier to just wash the damn plate instead of finding the plastic wrap, tearing off a piece of appropriate size, struggling to keep the plastic wrap from sticking to itself, and then wrapping the plate in the plastic wrap.  But it’s the principle of the thing.

*     *     *     *     *

The late Albert “The Iceman” Collins was perhaps the greatest blues guitarist to come out of Texas.   “Too Many Dirty Dishes” was released in 1986 on his Cold Snap album.

The protagonist of “Too Many Dirty Dishes” wonders why the kitchen sink is empty when he leaves his house to go to work in the morning, but chock-full of dirty dishes when he returns home at night. 

It’s obvious that the dude’s wife is creepin' when he’s not around:

That glass over there, got a cigar in it or somethin’
I don't smoke no cigar

But his main concern seems to be that he gets stuck cleaning up the mess:

Makes me so mad, I don't know what to do
Thought I was her husband instead of a maid!

Wake up and smell the cat food, you big dope!  Your wife is two-timing you, bud – maybe even three- or four-timing you!  She’s letting her back-door man get a leg over with her while you’re working your ass off at your crappy job!

And all you’re worried about are the dirty dishes in the sink?

Here’s “Too Many Dirty Dishes”:

Click below to buy the song from Amazon:

No comments:

Post a Comment