You blow it all with paranoia
You're so insecure, you self-destroyer
A 2014 study by researchers at Oxford University found that people who smoke marijuana are much more likely to be paranoid than people who don't use the drug.
If you’re skeptical of that finding, here’s a story that might persuade you otherwise.
Earlier this year, police in Rexburg, Idaho, released a recording of a 911 call made by a guy who was driving 20 pounds of marijuana from Las Vegas to Bozeman, Montana.
The marijuana smuggler called Rexburg police because he and the friend who had accompanied him on the trip were absolutely convinced that they were being followed by undercover police in unmarked cars. So they called 911 and asked the dispatcher to arrest them because they were tired of the cat-and-mouse game police were playing.
In fact, the two dope-smoking dopes were being followed by civilians driving regular old Chevys and Ford and Toyotas who had no idea that the pair had marijuana in their car.
Here’s how the call began:
Marijuana smuggler: Hi, uh, we’re the two dumb asses that got caught trying to bring some stuff through your border and all your cops are just driving around us like a bunch of jack wagons and I’d just like for you guys to end it. If you could help me out with that, we would like to just get on with it.
Dispatcher: You got caught doing what?
The dispatcher has no idea what they talking about, of course – at this point, no one has the slightest idea that a car with 20 pounds of marijuana is being driven through Rexburg.
Smuggler: Ahh . . . okay. Um . . . we kind of got spooked here trying to bring some stuff across your Idaho border.
Smuggler: And, yeah . . . a bunch of your cops driving around in a bunch of civilian cars not wanting to pick us up. I don’t know what’s the deal. I was just wondering if you could help us out and just end it.
The dispatcher still has no clue. After all, the people in the civilian cars aren’t undercover cops on a stakeout. They’re just ordinary civilians – soccer moms picking up groceries, husbands heading for Home Depot with their “honey-do” lists, or senior citizens heading to the nearest Indian casino to play a little bingo.
Smuggler: Yeah . . . if you could call one of them. It’s getting cold out here man. I just want to get warm and just get on with this whole thing.
Dispatcher: OK. Where you at right now?
Smuggler: University Boulevard right next to the gas station and Applebee’s. All your buddies are around us so if you could help us out that’d be great.
Dispatcher: OK. Is it just you or is there anybody else with you?
Smuggler: It’s me and my buddy that I brought with me and then we have a dog that we were gonna bring back to its owner but . . .
Dispatcher: Oh, OK.
Smuggler: She’s a really nice dog. She’s not mean. She’s a pitbull.
Dispatcher: Oh . . . cool.
Twenty pounds of marijuana . . . plus a pitbull. That is cool.
Smuggler: She’s really cold in the car. She could use some food too.
So the mastermind of this operation isn’t a bad guy – he loves dogs, after all.
Dispatcher: OK. Hold on just one second, OK? Stay on the phone with me.
Smuggler: All right. Thank you.
While the dispatcher is sending out a call for all units to proceed to the Applebee’s on University Boulevard and pick up two dumbasses with a pit bull and twenty pounds of weed, the smuggler is chewing the fat with his compatriot:
Smuggler (speaking to his friend): He’s a nice guy.
Maybe the smuggler will give the dispatcher a good rating on Yelp.
Dispatcher: Do you guys have any guns or weapons or anything on you at all?
Smuggler: Nope we don’t have any of that stuff with us. Just a bunch of snacks and stuff.
Dispatcher: All right. I just wanna make sure. They’re just curious.
The dispatcher probably figured these guys were more likely to be packing Cheetos and chocolate-chip cookies than 9mm automatics and AR-15s. But he had to ask – just to be sure.
Smuggler: We tried walking away from the car a couple times and that didn’t work. We tried waving them down and that didn’t work so I don’t know what’s going on here.
Let me tell you what going on here, guys: NONE OF THOSE PEOPLE IS A POLICE OFFICER, YOU DUMBASSES!
Dispatcher: OK. I do have one of my marked units. He’s on his way over there to meet you.
Smuggler: All right. Thank you.
When police arrived at the scene, both men were standing with their hands behind their heads. There was a dog cage containing twenty pounds of marijuana sitting on the sidewalk.
The caller was sentenced to one and a half to eight years in prison for marijuana trafficking (a felony). That seems a little harsh given how polite the guy sounds on the 911 call. Of course, it didn’t help his case when he showed up for his sentencing hearing and tested positive for marijuana, cocaine, and oxycodone.
Here's a local TV news story that includes the 911 call recording:
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“Destroyer,” which was released by the Kinks in 1981, is sort of a sequel to the group’s 1970 hit, “Lola.”
It’s not clear whether protagonist of the song is paranoid because he’s been smoking marijuana or because he’s discovered after taking Lola back to his place that she’s actually a he.
Click below to buy the song from Amazon: