Friday, August 22, 2014

Carrie Underwood -- "Two Black Cadillacs" (2012)

And the preacher said he was a good man
And his brother said he was a good friend
But the women in the two black veils didn't bother to cry

Let me give all you males out there a little advice.  You most definitely do not want to give Carrie Underwood a reason to be p*ssed off at you.

Last year, 2 or 3 lines featured Miz Underwood's 2006 hit, "Before He Cheats."  In that song, the singer catches her boyfriend slow dancing with a bleached-blond tramp -- et tu, Carrie? -- and then goes all medieval on his shiny new pickup truck.

Carrie Underwood
To wit:

1.  She keys the side of the pickup;

2.  She carves her name into his leather seats with a knife;

3.  She takes a Louisville Slugger to his headlights; and

4.  She slashes all four of his tires.

As I pointed out at the time, if a man had released a song glorifying revenge against a woman, he would have no doubt been crucified in the press.  But apparently the New York Times and Huffington Post and MSNBC have no problem with a song that glorifies violence and vigilantism as long as it's a female dishing it out to a male.

By the way, "Before He Cheats" was the #1 song on the Billboard "Hot Country Songs" chart for five weeks and won the 2007 Grammy for "Country Song of the Year."  It eventually sold some four million digital downloads.

So I guess we shouldn't be surprised that Carrie Underwood released another revenge song a few years later -- namely, "Two Black Cadillacs," from her Blown Away album, which 2 or 3 lines is featuring today.  

I heard today's featured song for the first time while driving home from Cape Cod last month.  I was driving south through Westchester County, NY, on the Taconic State Parkway, obsessively hitting the "scan" button on my car radio, when "Two Black Cadillacs" caught my attention.

The song is about two women who meet at a funeral after conspiring to kill the man who is one's husband and the other's lover.  

How did the wife found out about the girlfriend?  Her dopey husband pulled the oldest boner in the book -- he called or texted the girlfriend on his cell phone and didn't delete her number:

Two months ago his wife called the number on his phone
Turns out he'd been lying to both of them for so long
They decided then he’d never get away with doing this to them

The two of them introduce themselves, exchange a few pleasantries, and plot to murder the unsuspecting bozo who's buffing them both.  

The song doesn't specify how they did the dirty deed.  If you want all the gory details, you have to watch the music video:

Does the video remind you just a little of Christine, the Stephen King novel about the classic car that kills a bunch of people after it becomes possessed by a dead man's evil spirit?

To say the video is a bit confusing is the understatement of the year.  For one thing, it's not clear whether Carrie Underwood's character is the wife or the girlfriend.

And according to the song, "the first and last time [the two women] saw each other face to face" was at the cemetery.  But in the video, both women are present when the dude receives the coup de grace from the black Cadillac.

But let's not get all hung up on petty details.  After all, as our old friend Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds."

The extremely brown-eyed
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Of course, Ralph Waldo Emerson was so full of sh*t that his eyes were brown.  Just sayin'.  

Here is the interpretation that was voted #1 by those who visited this website.  (Whoever wrote this has a vivd imagination, possibly fueled by reading too many romance novels.)

Carrie plays the unassuming lover who finds out that her man is married when his wife calls her number from his cell phone.  Distraught with heartache and then an embittered, passionate anger, both women plot to get their revenge.  While Carrie's character manipulates the man into a dark alleyway . . . the wife drives into the ally and corners her unsuspecting husband.  Pleading for his life, the husband yells, "No, don't do it," but the plan must be completed to lay the heartache to rest.  Revving up the engine the wife finishes the blood crimson deed by ramming him into the ally wall. 

In a seeming reference to the 70's and 80's ghost car movies such as Christine, the car has spookily healed its damage and the now dead husband is forever stuck to the car in his ghostly state and a servant to the forever blood-stained damaged women.

Some of the interpretations of the song are from outer space.  Like this one, which is so out there that it's mind-boggling:

"THEY had a secret to hide" . . . RIGHT?  That being said . . . yes he was married . . . and yes there was a girl friend . . . But . . . what if [the] wife and Carrie were in love and the only way to be together was to kill him . . . so they did.

Or this one, which is equally absurd:

I think the plot is more sinister than what it appears.  I think that the wife and mistress knew about each other.  One took care of him during the day and the other at night.  I think the phone number was to some child pronography and the 2 women could not tolerate that at all and killed him.

Spelling is not a strength of the people who post to that website:

That is exactly why you don't mess with woman!  If you cheat on your wife, you're basically looking death strait in the face.

This one not only misspells "alley" but also mangles the famous William Congreve quote:

Ummm he was run over by a car it was a trap the girlfriend lured him to an ally and his wife (in a car) ran him over :)
Hell Has No Fury like a woman's scorn

(Close, but no cigar)
Finally, here's my absolute favorite:

Interoperate it how you want.  It means what you want it to mean.

That's sooooo deep, isn't it?  And I don't know how I've lived so long without using the word "interoperate."

The Clintons' Bedford Hills manse
By the way, the Taconic State Parkway -- the road I was driving on when I first heard "Two Black Cadillacs" -- passes just west of Bedford Hills, a tony suburb that is home to Bill and Hillary Clinton, who bought an $11 million mansion there a few years ago.  (The house is 7000 square situated on 20 acres, and comes equipped with a heated pool, wine cellar, stable, and two guest houses.)  

So I suddenly had a vision of Hillary and Monica Lewinsky, both in black veils, attending Bubba's funeral after conspiring to off the horny old galoot:

Or Hillary and Paula Jones:

Or Hillary and Gennifer Flowers:

Or Hillary and Kathleen Willey:

Or Hillary and Bill's current paramour, who Secret Service agents describe as a busty blonde known as "Energizer":

Or Hillary and . . . well, you get the idea.

Once more, here's "Two Black Cadillacs":

Click below to buy the song from Amazon:

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