Yardbirds – "Happenings Ten Years Time Ago" (1966)

Walking in the room, I see

Things that mean a lot to me

Why they do, I never know

In the last 2 or 3 lines, I told you about my recent colonoscopy, and how happy I was that I could go five years before having another one.

It turns out I was wrong about that.  I just heard from my gastroenterologist – which is the second-longest and hard-to-spell medical speciality after “otorhinolaryngologist” – who had this to say about the one “teeny-tiny” polyp she found during my procedure:

The biopsy results show a reparative polyp which is a benign growth that forms in your digestive tract as part of the healing process after inflammation or injury to the lining. . . . These polyps are not cancerous and are not the same as the adenomatous polyps that can turn into cancer. ​ ​

That was certainly welcome news.  But she had even better tidings for me:

Based on your history, we can consider another colonoscopy in ten years for continued colorectal cancer screening. ​ ​​ ​

Learning that I can wait until 2036 to have another colonoscopy instead of having to undergo the procedure again in 2031 made me a very happy camper.  

But it gets even better.

You see, I’m really, really old.  I might manage to live another five years.  But I figure there is almost no chance that I’ll still be above ground ten years from now.  (Given the extreme rock ’n’ roll lifestyle I’ve lived – eat your heart out, Keith Richards! – it’s a miracle I’ve survived as long as I have.)

So the odds are very good that I will never have to undergo the ordeal of a colonoscopy “prep” again.  Hooray! 

*     *     *     *     *

Eric Clapton, Jimmy Page, and Jeff Beck – who hold down the #2, #3, and #5 spots, respectively, on Rolling Stone magazine’s “100 Greatest Guitarists” list – were all members of the Yardbirds at one time or another.

Clapton joined the group in October 1963 but left a year and a half later.  The band wanted Jimmy Page to replace him, but Page turned them down.  He suggested they offer the job to Jeff Beck, who agreed to join the Yardbirds in March 1965.

When the Yardbirds’ bass player quit the band in June 1966, they persuaded Jimmy Page to take his place.  But when Beck fell ill a couple of months later while the group was touring the U.S., Page took over lead guitarist responsibilities.

The Beck-Page Yardbirds

The brilliant “Happenings Ten Years Time Ago,” which was recorded in the summer of that year, features both Beck and Page as co-lead guitarists.  But Beck left the group in November, leaving Page as the group’s sole lead guitarist.

When the Yardbirds broke up in 1968, Page put together Led Zeppelin, which recorded a song titled “Ten Years Gone” about a decade after the release of “Happenings Ten Years Time Ago.”  Led Zeppelin was notorious for stealing songs from other artists without giving proper credit, but “Ten Years Gone” doesn’t really have anything in common with “Happenings Ten Years Time Ago” other than the use of “ten years” in the title.

Click here to listen to “Happenings Ten Years Time Ago.”

Click here to buy “Happenings Ten Years Time Ago” from Amazon.

David Bowie – "Five Years" (1972)

We’ve got five years

That’s all we've got

In The King and I, Anna – a widowed British schoolteacher who has agreed to move halfway around the world to tutor the children of the King of Siam – advises her anxious young son to “whistle a happy tune” whenever he is afraid.

Acting nonchalant when you’re in a scary situation does two things, she explains.  First, your false bravado fools other people.  More importantly, you can fool yourself:

The result of this deception

Is very strange to tell

For when I fool the people I fear

I fool myself as well

*     *     *     *     *

I used to be a pretty good whistler.  But I seem to have lost that ability.

If I had been whistling a couple of days ago, it would have been to conceal the anxiety I was feeling about my upcoming colonoscopy.  But now that the procedure is over and done with, any whistling that I’m able to do is in celebration of the fact that it’s FIVE YEARS until I have to undergo the procedure again.

*     *     *     *     *

I’m sure that those of you who have had a colonoscopy will agree that the procedure (done under sedation) is a piece of cake compared to the preparation for the procedure.

My particular colonoscopy “prep” was called GoLYTELY.  Whoever came up with that name is a very sick person who should be allowed to marry and have children.  (The “Go” part of the name was certainly accurate, but the “LYTELY” part was certainly not.)

The unpleasantness of going without food for a day and a half pales in comparison to the misery of having to drink eight glasses of GoLYTELY the evening before the colonoscopy, and eight more glasses the morning of the procedure.

GoLYTELY’s primary active ingredient is polyethylene glycol 3350, an osmotic laxative that induces watery diarrhea.  The idea is to empty the colon so completely that your doctor has a perfectly clear view of the colon walls.  

The product also contains essential electrolytes to prevent the dangerous dehydration that might otherwise occur from such rapid fluid loss. 

I can report that guzzling 16 glasses of GoLYTELY worked like a charm for me – after the procedure was over, my doctor gave my colon two thumbs up for emptiness.  

Looking back on the experience, I have to wonder if it was really necessary to consumer 16 doses of laxative in a 16-hour period to achieve the desired effect – perhaps that was a bit of overkill.  

But better safe than sorry – right?  After all, I wouldn’t have wanted to be the woman in the waiting area next to mine.  I overheard her doctor tell her that she would have to redo the procedure in three months because her prep wasn’t as successful as mine was.  “I couldn’t get very far,” he explained to her.

(I never wanted to be a doctor.  But if I had to be one, gastroenterology would be very low on my list of preferred specialties.) 

*     *     *     *     *

“Five Years” – the opening track of David Bowie’s legendary 1972 album, The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars – warns the listener that the end of the world is coming soon: “Five years, that’s all we’ve got.”

Five years may not be a long time to stave off an apocalypse.  But I’m not complaining that I only have five years before I have to undergo another colonoscopy – after all, there’s a good chance that I’ll have the last laugh and be dead by then!

Click here to listen to “Five Years.”

Click here to buy “Five Years” from Amazon. 

Smashing Pumpkins – "Bullet with Butterfly Wings" (1995)

Despite all my rage

I am still just a rat in a cage

When I drive, I use my horn regularly. 

Women usually cringe when I honk the horn – it upsets them.

“Why do they put horns in cars if they don’t want you to use them?” I ask them.  “When other drivers do something stupid, they need to be taught a lesson.”

“Honey, that’s not the way to teach someone a lesson,” one woman used to tell me.  “They’re not learning a thing from your honking at them.”

Maybe not.  But too many people turn a blind eye to bad behavior – “It’s not my responsibility,” they say, shrugging their shoulders.  “Let someone else take deal with it.”  

I’m not one of those who has given up on trying to make this world a better place.  If one blast from my horn doesn’t get the job done, I hit it again.  And again, if necessary. 

*     *     *     *     *

 

I think I’ve always been a bit of a d*ck.  

But I have changed as I’ve gotten older.  I used to feel bad about being a d*ck – I’d try not to let it show.

Nowadays, I don’t mind acting like a d*ck – in fact, I kind of enjoy it.

Only when I have good reason to act that way, of course . . . which happens several times in the typical day.

*     *     *     *     * 

“Bullet with Butterfly Wings” was released in 1995 on the Smashing Pumpkins’ double-CD and triple-LP album, Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.  (A double-CD and triple-LP album seems very apropos for 2 or 3 lines, don’t you think?)

Click here to watch the official music video for “Bullet with Butterfly Wings.”

Click here to buy “Bullet with Butterfly Wings” from Amazon.

Lynyrd Skynyrd – "Gimme Three Steps" (1973)

Wait a minute, mister

I didn’t even kiss her!

I got very excited when I heard a promo earlier today for a new Sirius/XM channel called “Red White & Booze.”  It features music you might expect to hear on the jukebox at a sleazy bar.

But that’s not why I got excited when I first heard that promo.  I got excited because I misheard the name of that channel.

Actually, I misheard the name of the channel twice.  The second time I misheard it, I thought the name was “Red White & Boots.”

But the first time I misheard it, I thought the name was “Red White & . . .”

(2 or 3 lines ended 2025 with a cheap joke.  Why not start 2026 off the same way?)

*     *     *     *     *

Click here to listen to Lynyrd Skynyrd’s 1973 hit, “Gimme Three Steps,” which was the first record that I heard when I told Alexa to play the Sirius/XM “Red White & Booze” channel on my Amazon Echo device.

Click here to buy “Gimme Three Steps” from Amazon.