Fun and Games – "Grooviest Girl in the World" (1968)

You’re the grooviest girl in the world

And I’m a guy with impeccable taste

A few nights ago, I went online to shop for a fleece throw that I could use to make watching TV in my apartment a cozier experience.

I’m usually pleased with the stuff I get from L. L. Bean, so I went to their website first.  Their “Wicked Plush Throw” – which was touted as a New York Times Wirecutter pick – seemed to fit the bill.

Are you familiar with Wirecutter?  They test and rate a wide variety of products – everything from televisions to winter boots for kids to boxed macaroni and cheese.  

I discovered Wirecutter a couple of years ago when I was shopping for an electronic keyboard.  I picked the keyboard that they recommended, and have been very pleased with my choice.

The Wirecutter review of the L. L. Bean throw – which cost $32.95 – made it sound perfect for my needs.  But the “Wicked Plush Throw” wasn’t in stock at the nearest L. L. Bean retail store, and I hated to pay eight bucks in shipping and handling to have it delivered.

I did some more looking around online and decided to look for a throw at the Target store that’s near my gym.  I found a nice plaid one – it was much nicer looking than the solid-color Bean throw I had considered – that cost only $15.

*     *     *     *     *

When I showered after undergoing a minor medical procedure recently, I ended up with a little blood on my bath towel.  I spritzed the towel with some laundry stain remover and dropped it into the washing machine with the rest of my laundry.

While waiting for my washing machine to do its magic, I decided to see if Consumer Reports had anything to say about laundry stain removers.

It turned out that Consumer Reports had tested a half-dozen different laundry stain removers a couple of years ago.  I was pleased to find out that my brand I had been using – OxiClean Max Force – was the magazine’s top choice.  (It did particularly well when it came to removing blood stains.)

I’ve made a mental note to pick up a bottle on my next visit to Walmart.  (I could have picked one up the next time I went to the grocery store, but OxiClean Max Force costs $4.49 at the local Harris Teeter and only $4.39 at Walmart.)

*     *     *     *     *

Was it really necessary for me to go to product testing websites and then compare prices at various retail stores before purchasing a fleece throw and laundry stain remover?  

As a matter of fact, it was.  Because in each case I wanted to get the perfect product.  And I wanted to get it at the best price possible. 

Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder – or “OCPD” – is characterized by excessive perfectionism.  Based on my description of the effort I put into shopping for a couple of simple and inexpensive products, do you think I sound like someone who suffers from OCPD?  Or am I just a little (or a lot) weird?

We’ll continue to chew on that question in the next 2 or 3 lines.

*     *     *     *     *

One final thought before we get to today’s featured record.

This may sound paradoxical, but I don’t think my need to get the lowest price for everything I buy has anything to do with money.  I’m comfortable financially – but even if I wasn’t, we’re talking about very small amounts of money here.

I could give you many more examples of the lengths I go to in order to save money.  For example, my car takes 89 octane gasoline, and I figured out a long time ago that I can save a couple of bucks each time I fill up by mixing 87 octane regular and 93 octane premium in a 2:1 ratio instead of pumping 89 octane gas directly. 

Sure, that requires spending more time at the gas station.  But the reward for my extra effort is the knowledge that I have figured out how to beat the system.

And so am I!

For me, figuring out ways to save money without sacrificing quality is just as satisfying as solving a sudoku puzzle or winning at trivia – not because the amount of money involved is meaningful, but because I’m satisfying my innate desire to master skills and achieve competence. 

*     *     *     *     *

The Fun and Games were a short-lived Houston group that broke up shortly after releasing their one and only album, Elephant Candy, in 1968.  

Click here to listen to their recording of “Grooviest Girl in the World,” which stalled out at #78 on the Billboard “Hot 100” in early 1969.  

The song’s lyrics contain references to three well-known sixties records – “Judy in Disguise” (by John Fred and his Playboy Band), “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” (by the Beatles), and “Up, Up, and Away” (by the Fifth Dimension).

A cover of “Grooviest Girl in the World” by a New Zealand group, The Simple Image, was a #3 hit in that country later that year.

Click here to buy The Simple Image’s cover of “Grooviest Girl in the World” from Amazon.

Johnny Burnette – "You're Sixteen" (1960)

You’re sixteen

You’re beautiful

And you’re mine!

My wildly popular little blog is sixteen years today! 

That’s right, 2 or 3 lines is turning sweet sixteen – hard to believe, but true!

To mark the occasion, I’ve decided to give myself a long-overdue checkup from the neck up.  I'm hoping to be able to answer this question: am I suffering from a scientifically recognized mental disorder, or am I simply weird? 

*     *     *     *     *

It’s obvious to anyone who knows me well that I’m something of a hot mess.  But there are many different kinds of hot messes – which kind am I exactly?

To answer that question, I turned to the 5th edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders ("DSM-5") – that’s the standard reference work used by mental health professionals to diagnose mental illness.

I’ve been described as “a little OCD” in the past.  So I first checked out the definition for obsessive-compulsive disorder to see if it might fit.  

But while I lean toward being obsessive, I’m not really compulsive – I don’t engage in excessive hand-washing, or repeatedly check that I’ve turned off my appliances and locked my doors.  

Then I read the criteria for a somewhat similar condition called obsessive-compulsive personality disorder – or “OCPD” – which seemed to describe me pretty well.

My therapist pooh-poohed my diagnosis.  She pointed out that people with OCPD have little, if any, self-awareness concerning their condition, while I am very aware that I am one messed-up dude.  

*     *     *     *     *

 

The DSM-5 defines OCPD as “a persistent pattern of preoccupation with order; perfectionism; and control of self, others, and situations” that manifests itself by early adulthood.

Experts say that obsessive-compulsive personality disorder – which is sometimes called anankastic personality disorder – is the most prevalent personality disorder, affecting somewhere between 3% and 8% of the population.  It is believed to be responsible for greater direct medical costs and productivity losses than any other personality disorder, but is largely ignored by researchers.  (Borderline personality disorder is the subject of over 30 times as many published scientific papers as OCPD, while there are about 100 times more papers about ADHD than there are about OCPD.) 

According to the DSM-5, an OCPD diagnosis requires the presence of four or more of the following behaviors:

1.  Preoccupation with details, rules, schedules, organization, and lists

2.  A striving to do something perfectly that interferes with completion of the task

3.  Excessive devotion to work and productivity (not due to financial necessity), resulting in neglect of leisure activities and friends

4.  Excessive conscientiousness, fastidiousness, and inflexibility regarding ethical and moral issues and values

5.  Unwillingness to throw out worn-out or worthless objects, even those with no sentimental value

6.  Reluctance to delegate or work with other people unless those people agree to do things exactly as the patient wants

7.  A miserly approach to spending for themselves and others because they see money as something to be saved for future disasters

8. Rigidity and stubbornness

We’ll do a deep dive into those OCPD criteria in the next few 2 or 3 lines posts.  

*     *     *     *     *

“You’re Sixteen” was written by brothers Robert and Richard Sherman, who wrote the scores of dozens of movies – including The Parent Trap, Mary Poppins, The Jungle Book, and several other Disney classics.  (The Shermans also wrote “It’s a Small World (After All),” which some consider to be the most performed song ever written.)

Johnny Burnette’s recording of “You’re Sixteen” peaked at #8 on the Billboard “Hot 100” in December 1960.  Ringo Starr’s cover of the song did even better, going all the way to #1 in 1973.  

Starr was 33 years old when he recorded “You’re Sixteen.”  I don’t remember anyone criticizing him for singing about a girl who was half his age back in 1973, but some more contemporary writers have found his recording to be a little creepy.  

“Maybe people thought this sh*t was cute then, but it's not cute now,” one reviewer wrote in 2019.  “I won't be sad if I never hear ‘You’re Sixteen’ again.”

Click here to listen to Johnny Burnette’s original recording of “You’re Sixteen.”

Click here to buy that recording – which was featured on the American Graffiti soundtrack – from Amazon.

Grateful Dead – "U. S. Blues" (1971)

Red and white, blue suede shoes

I'm Uncle Sam, how do you do?

[NOTE: The late Ronald Reagan used to tell a joke about a very optimistic young boy who was given a big pile of horsesh*t for Christmas.  After receiving his gift, the child smiled, grabbed a shovel, and began digging.  When his father expressed his surprise that the boy wasn't disappointed with the present, the youngster replied, "Dad, with so much horsesh*t, there has to be a pony in here someplace!"  Today's featured recording – the 10th and last member of the 2025 class of inductees into the 2 OR 3 LINES "GOLDEN DECADE" ALBUM TRACKS HALL OF FAME – is one of the rare ponies to be found in the very large pile of horsesh*t produced by the Grateful Dead.  Here's a slightly edited version of my original July 5, 2012 post about "U. S. Blues."] 

*     *     *     *     *

When I was a senior in college, I remember my girlfriend asking me why we had never been "into" the Grateful Dead.  (We were at a party at the time, and the host was playing a Grateful Dead song, and we probably somewhat impaired – which is almost a necessary condition to being into the Dead.)  She was almost as big a music fan as I was, but I don't think either of us owned a single one of their albums.

Chick magnet Jerry Garcia (circa 1974)

I did buy a Jerry Garcia solo album (Garcia) when I was in college on the strength of a couple of tracks I had heard on the radio, but I'm not sure I was even aware that Jerry Garcia was in the Grateful Dead.  (Hey, we didn't have the internet back then.)

I still have never listened to an entire Grateful Dead album straight through, and I'm not conversant with very much of their prolific recorded oeuvre.  But that won't stop me from expressing authoritative-sounding opinions about their body of work.

My impression was then (and remains today) that the Grateful Dead produced a few really good songs, but that life is too short to listen to much of their music.

I would say the same thing about Bruce Springsteen and Elton John – and Paul McCartney and John Lennon as solo artists.  Each of them produced a little gold but a lot more dross.  I don't think any of them has produced a CD's worth of worthwhile music.

*     *     *     *     *

Along with "Bertha," "Truckin'," "Casey Jones," and a few others, "U. S. Blues" is a Grateful Dead keeper.  The song (which was the first track on the group's seventh studio album, From the Mars Hotel) is peppier than the usual Grateful Dead dirge -- the honky-tonk piano makes all the difference -- and the lyrics are clever and funny and not too political.  

The song's lyrics really remind me of rap lyrics – it's more about the way the words sound and fit together than their meaning:

Gimme five

I'm still alive

Ain't no luck

I learned to duck

The singer seems to be some kind of hustler, but he's a charming, lovable hustler – think Professor Harold Hill in The Music Man – and he's very, very cool under pressure:

Check my pulse

It don't change

Stays seventy-two

Come shine or rain

Saying "shine or rain" instead of the more familiar "rain or shine" to make the line rhyme is a very hip-hop thing to do – the rhyme is paramount, and inverting the usual word order gets your audience's attention.  (It's certainly true to say that the Grateful Dead's pulse "don't change" – it may get up to 72 in this song, but it's usually much lower than that.  Much of the time, it's barely perceptible.)

Wave the flag

Pop the bag

Rock the boat

Skin the goat

Now we're really rolling – that verse is 100% sound and . . . not fury, exactly . . . but it sure signifies nothing.  (Which is OK with me.)

I'm Uncle Sam

That's who I am

I hear a hint of Popeye's "I yam what I yam, and that's what I yam" in that line.

Shake the hand

That shook the hand

Of P. T. Barnum

And Charlie Chan

P. T. Barnum began his career as a showman in 1835, when he bought and put on display a slave who claimed to be 161 years old (and George Washington's nurse to boot).  He went on to exhibit General Tom Thumb (a midget who was less than three feet tall) and Chang and Eng, the original Siamese (conjoined) twins, and organized "The Greatest Show on Earth."

P. T. Barnum with Tom Thumb

Given Barnum's history as a mountebank and his utter contempt for the common man – his famous catchphrase was "There's a sucker born every minute" – it's no surprise that he went into politics, becoming mayor of Bridgeport, Connecticut, and then entering the Connecticut legislature.  

I'll drink your health

Share your wealth

Run your life

Steal your wife

Of course he'll drink your health – especially if you're picking up the tab – because there's no better way to make a sucker out of you than by getting you drunk.

And of course he'll share your wealth – Uncle Sam shares your wealth every time you get a paycheck, but especially on April 15.

(Don't worry if he steals your wife.  If she's anything like most of the wives I know, he'll probably insist on giving her back to you very soon.)

We're all confused

What's to lose?

Wave that flag

Wave it wide and high

I hope none of you find it offensive that this song portrays Uncle Sam as a bit of a con man.   As the saying goes, patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.

That certainly doesn't mean all patriots are scoundrels, of course.  But it does mean that scoundrels often exploit patriotism – or religion, or economics, or science – so they can pull the wool over your eyes.  When all else fails, wave that flag!

*     *     *     *     *

The Grateful Dead has to have been one of the most overrated live bands in history.  

Click here to see a 1978 performance of "U. S. Blues" at Cameron Indoor Stadium at Duke University.  It was included on a live Dead album – an official one, not a bootleg – so the group must have thought that performance was a particularly good one.  Plus it appears to be the closing song of that show, so you would think the boys would have pulled out all the stops.

Despite all that, this is a pretty ho-hum rendition of the song.  Jerry Garcia keeps forgetting to sing into the microphone, and the band reduces the volume when they get to the chorus instead of belting it out – just the opposite of what they should have done.  (The verses are sung by Garcia, but the the backup singers join in for the chorus – usually, more voices equal more volume, but not here.)  

I'm not the first person to come to this conclusion: the popularity of the Grateful Dead as a live band can only be explained by the fact that about 90% of their typical audience was as high as a kite.  (Have you heard the old joke about the Dead?  What does a Deadhead say when the drugs wear off?  "This music sucks!")

Click here to listen to "U. S. Blues."  (The animated part of this video was produced by the U. S. Information Agency around the time of the Bicentennial, and it's very trippy – it will remind you a little of Yellow Submarine, but patriotic.)

Click here to buy "U. S. Blues" from Amazon.

Alice Cooper – "Under My Wheels" (1972)

I’m driving in my car now

I got you under my wheels

[NOTE: The tenth and final recording that’s being inducted into the 2025 class of the 2 OR 3 LINES “GOLDEN DECADE” ALBUM TRACKS HALL OF FAME is “Under My Wheels,” which was released in 1971 on Alice Cooper’s fourth studio album, Killer.  “Under My Wheels” is a staple of Cooper’s live shows, including the one I saw at Sam Houston Coliseum in Houston, Texas on April 29, 1973.  What follows is my May 19, 2023 post featuring “Under My Wheels” – which was actually the second time “Under My Wheels” was featured on 2 or 3 lines.  Click here to read the first 2 or 3 lines post to feature “Under My Wheels.”] 

*     *     *     *     *

It’s certainly possible than I will succumb to cancer or a heart attack some day.  But I’m thinking that I’m probably going to die while riding my bicycle.

I do a lot of bike riding.  I try to stay off the streets – who wants to ride on a busy street with cars zooming past you like you don’t even exist? 

But even if you’re riding on a dedicated bike path, you’re probably going to have to cross a street sooner or later – which means you’re going to have encounters with cars.

*     *     *     *     * 

Bicycles generally have the right of way when crossing an intersection – especially when there is a zebra crossing or a sign directing automobile drivers to yield to bike riders.  But you can’t always trust drivers.

Good luck, bicycle guy!

Almost exactly a year ago, I was using a zebra crossing – that is, a crosswalk marked with broad white stripes – to cross a street.  The car entering the intersection from my left slowed down, and I assumed he was going to stop and yield the right of way, as he was required to do.  But the bast*rd never saw me – he looked to the left, but never to the right . . . which is where I was.  Just as I started to enter the crosswalk from and pass in front of his car, he hit the gas, and ran right into me.

Fortunately for me, he wasn’t going very fast.  So while he knocked me off my bike, he didn’t injure me.  He didn’t even damage my bike – I hopped back on it and continued on my merry way . . . after screaming obscenities at the very apologetic driver for five minutes or so.

*     *     *     *     *

According to the federal government, about 1000 cyclists die annually as a result of being hit by cars.  Another 130,000 are injured.

Did you know that male bicyclists are six times more likely to die in a collision with an automobile than female bike riders?

I’m guessing I’m about sixty times more likely to die than the typical female rider.

That’s because I expect drivers to be careful and follow the rules – meaning yielding the right of way to me.

So when I approach a zebra crossing with a sign telling drivers to stop for bikers, I assume that any oncoming drivers will stop for me.

*     *     *     *     *

That’s a big mistake.  A fair number of drivers are so clueless that they are completely unaware they are approaching a zebra crossing – meaning that if I don’t yield to them, they will run me down.

It will probably come as no surprise to you when I tell you that a bike rider usually comes out of a collision with an automobile in much worse shape than the driver of the car.

This white bicycle marks the spot
where a cyclist was killed while riding
on a bike trail that I ride on regularly

So the only smart thing for me to do when I’m about to cross a street is to stop dead in my tracks and make damn sure that any car that’s in the vicinity stops and allows me to cross safely. 

For some reason, I find it very hard to do that.

*     *     *     *     *

“Under My Wheels” was the first single released from Alice Cooper’s 1971 album, Killer.  It peaked at #59 on the Billboard “Hot 100.”

(Only #59?  Really?  WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?)

Click here to listen to “Under My Wheels.”

Click here to buy the record from Amazon.

James Gang – "Walk Away" (1971)

You just turn your pretty head

And walk away

[NOTE: Whatever happened to power trios?  Groups like the James Gang, Cream, the Jimi Hendrix Experience, and Grand Funk Railroad were all over FM radio in the sixties and seventies.  As a keyboard player, I love records with prominent organ or piano parts – but I have to admit that you don’t really need anything more than one guitar, a bass, and drums to create great rock music.  “Walk Away” isn’t the first power-trio record to earn a space in the 2 OR 3 LINES “GOLDEN DECADE” ALBUM TRACKS HALL OF FAME, and it won’t be the last.  Here’s a slightly edited version of my February 8, 2018 post featuring that record.]

*     *     *     *     *

I recently stumbled upon an online trivia website that asked this question: “What band was Paul McCartney in before Wings?”

I’ve got a similar question for you.  What band was Joe Walsh in before the Eagles?

The James Gang

That question isn’t quite as stupid as the McCartney question, but it’s in the ballpark.

I’m not talking about Barnstorm, which was the group Walsh played in immediately before replacing Bernie Leadon in the Eagles.  (I wonder if Walsh ever thought to himself, “I’ve made a boatload of money since I joined the Eagles, but their music  sucks!” when he performed with them.)

I’m talking about the James Gang, one of the great power trios of all time, and a favorite of mine when I was in college.

*     *     *     *     *

Just before their second album was released, the James Gang (who hailed from Cleveland) opened for the Who in Pittsburgh.  Pete Townsend invited the band to join the Who on their upcoming European tour largely because he was so impressed by Walsh’s playing.  

“”I was flattered beyond belief,” Walsh later said, “because I didn’t think I was that good.”

Walsh was more than good, boys and girls.  Just listen to “Walk Away,” the first track from the James Gang’s third album (which was titled Thirds) if you don’t believe me.  (That album credited Walsh with guitar, lead vocals, and “train wreck” on the song – presumably “train wreck” is what the band came up with to describe Walsh’s multi-tracked guitar playing at the end of “Walk Away.”)

Click here to  “Walk Away.”

Click here to buy "Walk Away" from Amazon.