Turbonegro – "Back to Dungaree High" (1998)

Just a soul on ice

With a mirror and a blade

And a pocket full of mice

The typical American flushes an average of 141 rolls of toilet paper annually – more than the citizens of any other country.  (U. S. A.!  We’re number one!  U. S. A.!  We’re number one!) 

Americans use twice as much toilet paper per capita than the French.  (I’m guessing the French score even worse relative to the U.S. when it comes to deodorant use.) 

Did you know that 70% of the world’s population doesn’t use toilet paper at all?

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Angel Soft is the best-selling toilet paper in  America, but I’m a Cottonelle guy.

I recently found myself on the Cottonelle toilet paper website – no, I’m not going to tell you why – which contains a lot of really interesting stuff about toilet paper.   

For example, there’s an article titled “Over or Under: Both Sides of the Toilet Paper Debate,” which lays out the relative advantages of “over” or “under” toilet-paper positioning.  It also notes that 19% of people admit to having changed the orientation of the toilet paper in someone else’s house.  (That’s just plain weird.)

If you had read “Washroom Anxiety: How to Poop in Public,” you’d know that quite a few people become anxious when they have to use a toilet away from their home.  You’d also know that “paruresis” and “parcopresis” are the scientific terms for difficulty going #1 and #2 in public restrooms.  (I was glad to learn that because it might come up in bar trivia some day.)

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My favorite article on the Cottonelle website is “How to Wipe Your Butt the Right Way,”which includes the following discussion of the different ways people hold their toilet paper:   

Interestingly enough, there are a variety of different ways people hold their toilet paper.  The good news is there isn’t a right or wrong way to do it.  You get to choose whatever way you like best:

Folding

Generally preferred by men, folders will fold the toilet paper into neat squares before they wipe.  54% of people claim to be a folder, although the majority is heavily skewed toward the male demographic.

Crumpling

Crumplers will press the toilet paper into a loosely shaped ball before they wipe.  26% of the population use this method although the statistics show that mostly women opt to use this method.

Hand Wrapping

The remaining 9% are classified as wrappers. They wrap the toilet paper around their hand to form a rudimentary glove they then use to wipe with.

I have only two things to say about all that:

1.  Please contact 2 or 3 lines if you are a “wrapper” – I have some questions for you.

2.  54% plus 26% plus 9% doesn’t add up to 100%.  (What about the remaining 11%?)

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I moved on from the Cottonelle website after reading “Holding Toilet Paper: Advanced Wiping Techniques.”

But you may want to peruse “First Off: Do You Always Need to Wipe?,” or “To Sit or Stand During Wiping,” or “Front to Back, or Back to Front?,” or one of the many other toilet paper-related articles you can find at www.cottonelle.com.

(What does the guy who wrote those articles say when a woman he met on a dating site asks him what kind of work he does?)

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Today’s featured song is on the soundtrack of The Worst Person in the World, a 2021 film by Norwegian director Joachim Trier that I highly recommend.

Click here to read the Wikipedia page about Turbonegro, the Norwegian deathpunk band that released “Back to Dungaree High” in 1998.  When I read it, I wondered if someone had written it as a prank – it’s that bizarre.

Here’s one excerpt:

Initially, the band had two running ideas for band names: Nazipen*s and Turbonegro.  They were advised that a band named Nazipen*s would never sell records, so they chose Turbonegro as a more consumer-friendly choice.

Click here to listen to “Back to Dungaree High.”

Click here to buy “Back to Dungaree High” from Amazon.

Cousin Joe – "Bad Luck Blues" (1947)

If it wasn’t for bad luck

I wouldn’t have no luck at all

Sometimes I feel like “Born Under a Bad Sign” was written about yours truly.  But I have to admit that Alice Roth was a lot unluckier than me.

On August 17, 1957, the Philadelphia Phillies were hosting the New York Giants at Connie Mack Stadium.  There were 7929 fans in attendance, including Alice Roth – who was the wife of the sports editor of the Philadelphia Bulletin – and her two grandsons. 

Richie Ashburn, who played center field and led off for the Phillies that day, was known for his ability to spoil good pitches by fouling them off.  One of the balls he fouled off in that 1957 Phillies-Giants contest hit poor Alice Roth in the face, breaking her nose.

A 1959 Topps Richie Ashburn card

The game was halted briefly while the unlucky fan was administered first aid and put on a stretcher.

Ashburn fouled off the next pitch as well, and that foul ball struck the hapless Mrs. Roth as she was being carried out the stadium, breaking a bone in her leg.

(Cue the lines from "Bad Luck Blues" quoted above.)

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Ashburn visited Alice Roth in the hospital several times before she was discharged.  Her grandsons, who had to leave the game when she was injured, were given free tickets to another Phillies game later that season.  (They watched batting practice from the Phillies dugout that day, and the whole team autographed baseballs for them.)

Ashburn sent Roth birthday and Christmas cards every year for the rest of her life.  

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The Phillies made it to the World Series in Ashburn’s third season with the team, but were also-rans during the remainder of his tenure in Philadelphia.  (The team finished a respectable 5th the year when Ashburn broke Alice Roth’s nose, but fell to last place the following year and stayed there for four consecutive seasons.)  

Ashburn was voted into the Baseball Hall of Fame two years before he died in 1997.  He wasn’t a power hitter – he had only 29 home runs in his 15-year career – but he excelled at getting on base.  

Ashburn’s career on-base percentage was an outstanding .396 – better than the career marks of his contemporaries Hank Aaron, Willie Mays, Roberto Clemente, and Duke Snider.  He led the National League in hits three times and in walks four times.

And he was an outstanding outfielder, leading the senior circuit in putouts nine years in a row.

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The first song to include the lyrics that are quoted at the beginning of this post was “Bad Luck Blues,” which was originally recorded in 1947 by New Orleans blues and jazz singer Cousin Joe.

Those lines also appear in “Born Under a Bad Sign,” a William Bell-Booker T. Jones song that was originally recorded by Albert King in 1967 and then covered by Cream the next year.

Click here to listen to Cousin Joe’s recording of “Bad Luck Blues.”

Albert King – "Born Under a Bad Sign" (1967)

Born under a bad sign

Been down since I began to crawl

You think you had a bad day?  Wait until you hear about my day . . .

This morning, I got up early and made my weekly pilgrimage to the local farmers’ market.  (So far, so good.)

When I returned to the 2 or 3 Lines World Headquarters Building, I parked on the second level of the parking garage and took the elevator to our 16th-floor C-suite offices.

But moments after I got there, I realized that I had left my cell phone in my car.

So it was back to the elevator for a ride back down to the parking garage.

Once I got there, I remembered that I had left my car key back in the office – so it was back to the elevator for another ride up to the 16th floor.

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I got my car key, rode the elevator back down to the second floor, and retrieved my phone.

As I was walking back to the elevator for the ride back up to my office, it hit me that I had forgotten to go feed the family cat – which I had intended to do on my way back from the farmers’ market.  (The cat is temporarily under my care while the person with whom I formerly shared living quarters is on vacation.)  

I got in the car and started the engine, but then I remembered that I hadn’t locked my office door.  (When I left my office, I thought I was just going to make a quick trip down to my car to grab my phone and then immediately head back up – so I didn’t lock the door.)   

That meant it was back to the elevator for a ride up to 16 to lock my door, followed by a ride back down to the parking garage, followed by the short drive to my former home to check up on my cat.

Who had pooped upstairs and thrown up downstairs.   

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“Born Under a Bad Sign” was originally recorded by Albert King in 1967 and then covered by Cream the next year.

Click here to listen to Albert King’s recording of “Born Under a Bad Sign.”

Click here to buy that recording from Amazon.

Groucho Marx – "I'm Against It" (1932)

Your proposition may be good

But let’s have one thing understood:

Whatever it is, I'm against it!

The Washington Post recently reported that the Trump Administration is using tariffs in hopes of achieving an array of national security goals.

The primary goal of this strategy seems to be to limit China’s strategic influence throughout the world.  But China is not the administration’s only target.    

For example, Trump has threatened to impose a 50 percent tariff on imports from India because that country is supporting Russia’s war against Ukraine by buying two million barrels of oil a day from Russia.  (Before Russia invaded Ukraine, India purchased a negligible amount of oil from Russia.  But since the invasion of Ukraine, Russia has become India’s largest source of oil.)

The use of tariff threats as a diplomatic tool “sent shock waves” through the State Department, according to one anonymous source.  “This isn’t normally how it works.”

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Many of you reading this post will immediately decide that the new tariff strategy is a terrible idea simply because it came from Trump, while many others will immediately decide that it’s a great idea simply because it came from Trump. 

I’m keeping an open mind on this issue for the time being.  Until I know more about the pros and cons of this strategy, I’m not ready to take a position supporting or opposing it.

But I am ready to take the position that “This isn’t normally how it works” is NOT a good reason for opposing that strategy.

In fact, “This isn’t normally how it works” may be the WORST possible reason for opposing an idea.

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“I’m Against It” was featured in a 2 or 3 lines post a couple of years ago, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I feature it again – it’s so apropos with regards to so many situations.

Click here to watch Groucho Marx singing “I’m Against It” in the 1932 movie, Horse Feathers.

Click here to buy the movie from Amazon.