Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Bloodhound Gang -- "The Bad Touch" (2000)

You and me, baby
Ain't nothin' but mammals 
So let's do it like they do
On the Discovery Channel 

Sometimes I choose the songs that are featured on 2 or 3 lines.  Other times, the songs do the choosing -- 2 or 3 lines is simply the medium that transmits the message.

Believe me, I didn't choose this song.  It chose me.  (That's my story and I'm sticking to it.)

It all started a couple of weeks ago when I saw the Washington Post obituary for  the late Tandyn Almer, who composed "Along Comes Mary," which is one of the greatest songs of the sixties.  (I think you can make a very good case that it is the greatest song of the sixties.)

The original recording of "Along Comes Mary" was by the Association, but a number of other artists -- including the Bloodhound Gang -- have covered the song.  (I'm using the term "artist" very, very loosely here.)

The Bloodhound Gang's rendition of "Along Comes Mary" (not to mention 'The Bad Touch") appeared on an 1999 album titled Hooray for Boobies.  (I second that emotion, of course, but might have preferred a somewhat more tasteful title.)  

I almost forgot to mention that the Bloodhound Gang's cover of "Along Comes Mary" sort of sucks.  

(Let me revise that: it REALLY SUCKS.)

But the band makes up for it with some of their other songs -- including this one.

Here's what Allmusic says about the Bloodhound Gang:

On one hand, it's easy to hate the Bloodhound Gang.  They're vulgar, obnoxious, lunk-headed, awkward, offensive, and defiantly stupid.  On the other hand, you almost have to admire the lengths that they go to be, well, defiantly stupid.  It's not just in the words -- the music is as dumb and dopey as [the] ridiculous lyrics. This is really, really, really dumb music. 

I think Allmusic pretty much nailed it, although you could fault them for not throwing in another "really" or two.

From "The Bad Touch" music video
The music video for "The Bad Touch" was shot in Paris, of all places.  The band's members are dressed in monkey outfits in keeping with the song's chorus, which is quoted at the beginning of this post.  

The video has many, many appalling elements.  For example, there's a shot of four hot French models walking down a Left Bank street, unaware that the monkey-suited band members are lying in wait to ambush them.  As the models walk by them, the Bloodhound Gang pops up with blowguns and nails the models with tranquilizer darts, then carries off the unconscious jeunes filles to who-knows-where to do who-knows-what to them.

(Let me revise that as well:  I have a pretty good idea what they plan to do to them.)

Always a welcome sight!
You've gotta love a song with a Waffle House reference:

You've had enough of two-hand touch
You want it rough, you're out of bounds 
I want you smothered, want you covered, 
Like my Waffle House hash browns 

For those of you who have never enjoyed Waffle House hash browns, you should know that you can order them not only "smothered" (with onions) and "covered" (with cheese), but also "chunked" (with diced ham), "diced" (with tomatoes), "peppered" (with jalapeños), "capped" (with mushrooms), and "topped" (with chili).

2 or 3 lines will feature another Bloodhound Gang song in the very near future, and that will give me the opportunity to introduce you to some of the group's members and talk a little about how they got started.  (You've been warned.)

Here's the music video for "The Bad Touch" (which has had over 61 million views to date):

Click her to buy the song from Amazon:


  1. I really, really, really, really almost like it!

  2. Come over to the dark side, Karen!